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Comment by Ammy on March 3, 2014 at 2:24pm

Teresa, I'm so glad you didn't get hammered from the storm.  I was excited this morning when I looked out and only saw a coating.  Finally got a break.  The newscast said that we have had 1 or more snows every week since Dec 8.  No wonder this winter has seemed so hard.
Spring is coming.  Flowers and vegetable gardens.  Nice thoughts.

Sending you all my love and blessings.

Comment by Ammy on March 3, 2014 at 2:20pm

Adrianne, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.  Especially with making peace with God.  Maybe finding some short statements to say throughout the day to God will help you get back to where you need to be.  Even a little thank you for something (like a precious grandchild) :).  I know it's hard but it's like anything else we have to learn.  We need to practice it.
As for the crying, some days I can't pray without crying either.  Maybe just in more of a fragile state at the time.  It also happens when I'm reading the bible.  Certain verses just make me start to cry.
Sending my love to you & prayers.

Comment by Ammy on March 3, 2014 at 2:09pm

Connie & Davi, it's good to let those feelings out.  I hope you felt somewhat better after expressing yourselves.  I think we all have some type of those thoughts going through our heads at some time or other. 
I have even questioned myself on why I didn't show more affection to my son, and I know the it wasn't me holding back, but he would get uncomfortable at times if I just went up to him and hugged him.  I don't know if it was because of his feeling he wasn't worthy or his mental state, but it did keep me from doing it more often.  I am okay with that because I do know he knew how much I loved him.
I had gotten a new car in 09 and I believe I will keep it forever, if possible.  When I'm alone and driving I often feel my son with me.  We went out in my car all the time and I can still see him sitting there.  I just have a hard time listening to a CD that we played so I don't try to play it anymore.
We all have our things/memories/thoughts/guilts and it's okay.  Actually, it's probably good even if we cry over them sometimes.  I have to believe that one day we will come to peace with them all.
The most important thing to me is that my son knew how much his dad and I loved him.  We made mistakes along the way, but our son always knew we loved him and we were always there to support him.  That is where I get some of my peace from.

A new week and I pray a gentler week for all.

Comment by Connie K on March 3, 2014 at 11:53am

Davi I know your son would want you to have that car, he wants you all safe. But I understand how you feel. My husband wants me to get a new car (or new used car !) because mine needs body work that I don't want to pay for. But I feel guilty because Daniel was just 4 months away from finally getting his own car and would finally be able to drive by himself which to me is one of the most fun things in life. I love driving and I loved the feeling of freedom when I got my first car. He deserved that,. But he learned in my car and I let him drive with me all the time. That car holds memories for me that some folks don't get. So sometimes I want to get a new one but can't let go yet. It's hard to move on and not feel guilty about just living But here we are. We have also been able to take care of some physical necessities with the insurance money we got from the driver's insurance co but we have also helped others with it. The fact that you can now afford a new car now is a blessing. So take it and appreciate it and do something charitable with some of that money in your son's name. I know he will be with you through it all. I think it's all about balance from here on out...

Comment by Davi Burford on March 3, 2014 at 11:27am

Here I sit today crying we bought a new car Friday and I can't get excited because it was insurance money that bought it and I feel guilty that it took my son dying before I was able to get it. I have never had a brand new car before cause we could never afford it and now it feels tainted :(  I want to seek God to better myself but again there is guilt that why couldn't I be a better person when Dylan was here, anytime as a family we do something that we never did with him there is guilt. I just don't know anything anymore. 

Comment by Connie K on March 3, 2014 at 11:08am

I don't know why I feel so weepy today. Even though I have faith in God, and feel that my son is okay, great actually with God, in the "real reality", here I am , still here without him. And I just feel lost. I too feel like I have surrendered myself to whatever God still has for me to do and learn, but I can't feel the motivation, the hope to carry on and make a difference in this world. I guess I still feel like God doesn't love me because I have failed so horribly in some way that I will never understand, so I can never make it up. I still struggle with memories of the fights I had with my son as he struggled with his health burdens and I want to have a do over. I wish I had been kinder. I wish I had understood what I understand now. Even worse - I understood then and still gave into fear and doubt. I was so distraught during those last years because I was watching my son suffer so much both from the disease and the treatment. I'm sure he felt hopeless and I was afraid and not strong enough. He would overhear me crying and say "What are you crying for? It's my stuff." He never had a child though. It is the worse to watch them suffer and not be able to fix it. And then to have someone else' stupid decision take his life in a car accident is just unreal. He was getting so much better and I was looking up and seeing a bright future for this first time in a long time. Every Saturday night, I can't help but relive the hour leading up to the coroner and police showing up at my door and telling us he didn't make it. This past weekend reminded me so much of that night because of the rain. Now Monday morning is here and I struggle to get up and get going and not indulge in self pity. But I just needed to vent.

I know all of this going over and over things isn't helping. I just can't help it some days. I am so sad and missing my Daniel so badly. Without other kids to take care of and now no job, I find it hard to get myself in a positive enough mindset to start a new job. I feel like I am standing still while all the world goes on around me. Thank you to everyone hear for listening and supporting. Teresa - I wish you could help me garden also. It really helps me get out of my head. Maybe today I will put a few flowers in the ground... Hugs to you all

Comment by Teresa D. on March 3, 2014 at 10:14am

Adrianne I agree with Anne, God is there he's not leaving you he is just waiting for you.  I can't do this without prayer, but I think each one of us has to process this our own way. 

Sometimes I think I'm trying to hard to get to the light and because I'm pushing so hard I'm making myself further away.  If that makes sense.

I need to let the process take it's place and stop trying to make it happen.  I realize I can't "fix" this.

I questioned my faith but it was only for a short minute because I'm too scared to go through this without it.  I know God didn't do this to me or to Michael and while I struggle with the "Why" I can only hope when I reach heaven I will understand.

Prior to Michael there were two situations in my life that I am so sure God was beside me in.  Prior to Michael when telling the stories I would always add the part I thought God played in them.  So I have to believe if he was there then he is there now.  He wouldn't leave me now.

Michael loved me too much to leave me even in death. I know Michael is helping me right now.  I hear him in my head telling me "your doing ok Mom, I'm not leaving you I'm right here."  When I'm breaking down in the car I know he is holding my hand. 

Storm wasn't too bad.  A few more inches of snow with a sheet of ice under it.  My drive way is on a hill so I hope I can drive up and out.

Connie, I wish I could join you in your garden.

I know I say it all the time but I'm saying it again.   THANK YOU! To everyone for being there to share and support.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 3, 2014 at 1:54am

I am struggling with god. Can barely pray. Just starts the crying and grief even more.

Comment by Teresa D. on March 2, 2014 at 11:49am

Ammy, I hope this is the last storm too.  I am so sick of the snow.

It's my faith carrying me.

Comment by Ammy on March 2, 2014 at 11:16am

Anne, I believe everything you said.  It didn't take me 9 years to come back to Him even though I was angry with Him in the beginning and couldn't understand why this happened to 'me'.  I believe what you said about Him waiting for us.  Thank God for His patience.

I t doesn't make the sorrow go away but I believe He does help us to get through.

Blessings to all.  I pray you all stay safe if you are in the path of this next winter storm that is coming through.  Hopefully it will be the last one for this winter.

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