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Comment by Ammy on March 11, 2014 at 1:56pm

My heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you all.  

Anne, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend and praying that your health is improving.

Michelle, I can only support you from where I am, but when the time comes I'm sure we all will be with you in our hearts.  You can count on that.

I have been having anxiety attacks again.  No way to control except by medication.  I believe they are being caused by my subconscious, as I physically/mentally try to avoid thinking about the 'trigger' areas. It doesn't really seem to work.  Each season change I seem to go through this as I think of what he did during those seasons.  Crazy?  Maybe.  I know that I sometimes feel that way.

I also think it's the feeling of feeling alone.  Abandoned by those we thought would always be here for us.  Their silence is worse than if they would scream at me.  ???  Confused, and I thought it was improving.  I had a few decent months about a year ago.  I guess it's time to surrender as Jane had mentioned.  It's not going to go away, and I have been doing a lot of thinking again.

Tomorrow will be 191 weeks.  I don't want to count the weeks anymore, but I can't stop.  My daughter says it's not healthy.  I want to laugh at that.  Then the other day she said something like she doesn't get as upset any more because she knows he is not suffering anymore.  I told her it has nothing to do with his suffering.  I know that, but it doesn't stop me from missing him, from wanting to see him, to talk to him, to hug him.  Her answer, 'I know'.  Then the silence.

Sorry for rambling on, but I needed to get some of these things out.  Expressing our feelings by writing to ourselves or others can sometimes clear away those cobwebs that are getting so thick.  

I hope this week is being kinder and gentler to you all.

Comment by Connie K on March 11, 2014 at 11:24am

Lynn as tough as it is, you know that that is the place Kyra loved and choose to live. Her spirit will be with you all and I'm sure you will feel the love. We've never been to Montana but my husband's sister went to college there and now another friend is going there and she send pics. It's so beautiful. just like Kyra. sending love.

Anne & Dolly - praying for your health to improve

Hugs to EVERYONE going through this! ((( )))

Comment by Michelle H on March 11, 2014 at 10:03am

Thanks to all who have given me your comments on the upcoming memorial to honor Chris' one year anniversary. I'm thinking it will be harder to go through that day (April 6th) than the actual anniversary of his death (March 21). Plus my birthday is this Thursday and it's just not a celebration anymore.

Anne, I'm so sorry for the death of your friend and yet another loss for you, on top of being hospitalized.

Lynn, we will all support you this summer when you inter Kyra's ashes.

Vasanthi, you are always sharing such meaningful thoughts.

Jane, I love your very kind thought in which you state that your heart hears my heart. What a lovely way to put it.

Connie, you are always so supportive.

To everyone not named (and not because I don't think of each of you), my hugs and prayers are with you each and every day.

Comment by Vasanthi S on March 11, 2014 at 8:57am

Comment by anne on March 10, 2014 at 9:40pm

Oh Lynn, I wish I lived closer to Missoula. I live in the south west corner of ND. Right on the SD, Montana border. Many blessings to you, and your family.

Comment by Lynn Williams on March 10, 2014 at 9:12pm

Anne I am so sorry for the lost of your friend. Sending a healing prayer for your health. Michelle I so understand what you mean when you say moving from numbness to awareness. When our children no longer live at home when they die it's hard to face the reality of their passing. My husband is having a head stone carved and we will bury her ashes in the cemetery this summer. My two step-sons, and my other daughter are gathering together with us in Montana for Kyra's birthday. My daughter is running in the Missoula marathon to honor her sister. Having to make plans for our stay in the town Kyra lived in at the time of her death is bringing it all back intensely. I don't know how I will get through it this July. I am hoping being together with my family will help me. I don't want to go to Montana again but we all need to celebrate her birthday in a place she loved. How we all continue on is a testament to the human spirit and the love we have for our children. I am thinking of everyone here on this site tonight and sending love

Comment by Jane P on March 10, 2014 at 8:50pm

I'm so sorry Anne. Death has become part of our lives. Grief is our constant companion.
You said you were in hospital? How are you?
I wish you well.

Comment by Connie K on March 10, 2014 at 6:53pm

Anne I am so sorry for your recent loss. I will send all the healing prayers and love for you and your recovery. It is so much harder to deal with grief when you are sick.

Michele - hugs to you . It will be tough but healing also I think. ((( )))

Comment by anne on March 10, 2014 at 6:37pm

You are all becoming very wise! I am having a very rough time. My dear friend passed away, and I have been hospitalized and didn't know till today. Once again I am crushed. Damn this whole death thing. I'm sick of it.

Comment by Jane P on March 10, 2014 at 6:16pm

Michelle

It will be rough, no question about that. Having had a similar experience this is what I tried to do. I knew I would have a meltdown, that was a given. But at the same time, I felt this was also a "Danielle" moment, and if I didn't pay attention to what was going on around me, I was going to miss that special moment. And that is all I cared about.

So, have your moment, Michelle. Have your moment with Chris.

Let your love for him glow and warm your heart.

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