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Comment by Lynn Williams on March 13, 2014 at 9:18pm

Happy birthday Michelle. I am thinking of you. The passing of a year since your son Chris's death must be unthinkable. I hope you will be with your daughter and your grandchildren next Friday. I am already dreading July and August which hold Kyra's birthday and the anniversary of her death. I know we will make it through the day as we have all the others since our children's death. It is so painful to realize that the last chapter of my life will be without Kyra. As time passes I do feel her spirit with me more, but I will forever miss her warm hugs and her laughter. We are all her for you my friend for support. Hugs and prayers to you and all of us here tonight.

Comment by Michelle H on March 13, 2014 at 9:14pm

Thank you, Jane.

Comment by Jane P on March 13, 2014 at 9:12pm

Michelle
Chris loves you too. I'm sorry he's not here for your day.

Comment by Michelle H on March 13, 2014 at 9:01pm

Today is my birthday and would have been Chris' tenth wedding anniversary. What a difference a year makes. Next Friday is an anniversary of a much sadder type: the first year he's been gone. I love you, Chris.

Comment by Ammy on March 13, 2014 at 2:22pm

This is how I feel most of the time.

Comment by Jane P on March 12, 2014 at 7:13pm

Davi

That must have been so sad for you. I've been thinking about you.

Each of us have our own "things" we have to do. But on different levels. They all hurt.

I am sad, for you.

Comment by anne on March 12, 2014 at 6:55pm

You all can talk and ramble on all you want to here. We are here for you. I'm feeling better today. I have a mass at the top of my stomach and the bottom of my esophagus. I'm not worried. Had a rough week, but now that the nightmares have once again receded, I'm feeling much better. Thanks for the comfort.

Many prayers for you Michelle as you get ready for Chris's memorial. My heart will be with you.

Davi I'm sad that you too had to go through this whole thing. I too had to go to the sheriffs office to collect my son Lil Dels things. I'll never forget holding his burned game boy in my hands. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I still have the ends of the sleeves of my sweatshirt jacket that Lil Del was sitting on. I don't know why I kept them, I still don't. None of it is easy. Even after all this time remembering all the steps that we have to go through still makes the hair on my arms stand up. Sometimes it feels like it never ends. I'm always coming across something I didn't see before of the boys's.

Teresa you are so right about having to become a different person. All we can do is try to become better than we were before. I think I have become more compassionate, and more patient than I was before. Now I take the time to smell the roses. I make faces at smiling children, and I'm more understanding with my daughters.

Aroma therapy works well for me with my anxiety attacks, and PTSD triggers.

Lynn, my heart is also with you. Montana really is a beautiful place! I go there when I need to get away, and I love the scenery.

Much Love and hugs to all!

Comment by Jesse's Mom on March 12, 2014 at 11:38am

From Ammy's posting, "I have been having anxiety attacks again. No way to control except by medication. I believe they are being caused by my subconscious, as I physically/mentally try to avoid thinking about the 'trigger' areas. It doesn't really seem to work.

Each season change I seem to go through this as I think of what he did during those seasons. Crazy? Maybe. I know that I sometimes feel that way.

I also think it's the feeling of feeling alone. Abandoned by those we thought would always be here for us.

Their silence is worse than if they would scream at me."

Agreed with everything you said above...it has been over a year now everyone has moved on...we are still going though the court  process for the charges against the girl who killed my son...the next court date, 4 days before my birthday...the change of the seasons is another reminder of what I should be doing with my son, and am not...

*********************

Michelle, I actually had found some of the Jewish mourning practices were helpful to me especially early on...our culture has this fast-paced mentality to everything...including grieving...

So I "borrowed" ideas from their mourning practices...at the one year mark it is typical to light a yahrtzeit candle at home the night before, because the Jewish day begins in the evening. You can find these candles in the ethnic section of a regular grocery store usually.

I am not Jewish...just found some of their observances helpful to my own mourning...

 

******************

Wishing everyone a peaceful day...

Comment by Teresa D. on March 12, 2014 at 6:20am

Anne, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend and I wish you well.

Anne, you have helped us become "wise".  

Sometimes I think the silence is they just don't know what to say or do, without realizing we just need to know they are there. 

As we all know those who haven't experienced this have no clue to the grief our hearts feel. 

This whole thing is remolding who I am.  Part of me is lost, part of me is gone and part of me is new.  Not so sure what I'm going to look like when the remolding is done. 

An extra prayer to those who are experiencing health issues. I know this wears our hearts, mind and body down.

I went to a party over the weekend.  Seen some people I haven't seen in years.  As soon as they asked me how my kids were that was it....the rest of the night the only conversation I had was about Michael.  I have to learn how to control that. 

Here you don't care if I ramble on but in the rest of the world you can see in their faces they want you to stop.  Sometimes it's hard to stop.  When I caught myself I kept adding, I'm sorry I'm still a grieving mom.

The other day I saw an easel in someone's trash.  Michael had one when he was little.  Didn't see it coming but seeing the easel made me cry.  Yet this morning I saw a daycare on the news named "Michael's Energy Factory" and it made me laugh. 

Comment by Davi Burford on March 11, 2014 at 4:27pm

Went today and got Dylans personal effects from the sheriffs today. It was really hard, I guess I thought it would be easy just having it but having it just made me ball my eyes out. I am glad I have them but its just been a really sad time. The weather here is getting warm finally but its Louisiana so I am sure next week it will be back cold again. Prayers & Hugs to everyone

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