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Comment by Teresa D. on March 22, 2014 at 10:45am

Connie I look forward to hearing "Momma don't cry".

Hugs to all!

I'm burning out!

Time for me to seek some help.  I went to the doctors the other day.  first physical in a long time.  I just need to know what is stress and what is age.  He wants me to take some pills for depression but I'm not into it.  So I decided it may be time to seek a counselor.  I need tools not pills.  I want someone to give me the tools I need to save myself not medicate myself.  I just don't want to be stuck in the misery forever.  I will forever want and love my Michael but how do I move forward without carrying the ton of grief on my back? I'm just too exhausted to keep doing this daily.  It's aging me, it's wearing me down and it's just simply too much. 

Comment by Jane P on March 21, 2014 at 10:20am

Michelle

Thinking of you today....

Comment by L on March 20, 2014 at 1:32pm

Haven't been free to read all of your thoughts and emotions until just now.  I think that we all relate to the pain of grieving so intensely that it is all consuming.  Big things / little things / anything ....can trigger the roller coaster of sadness.  Birthdays and Anniversaries are monumental sources of sadness.  If there are a couple of things that I can throw out that might work for any of you - it would be to let your feelings out if it makes you feel better in the end - even to those that you think don't really care.  You might be teaching them how to be compassionate.  My heart goes out to you Bern with regard to your marriage.  Is there anyway to find some common ground?  I had cancer 5 years ago and my husband was my rock - when my Daughter died, I was his.  We now are just holding on to each other trying to get to a good place.  I wish I could help in some small way.  To you Michelle, I will keep you in my prayers tomorrow. Anniversaries I can only imagine are extremely hard.  Maybe when I get there - you will be my strength and guide to just get through the day. I will think of you tomorrow and hope that you can get through the day.  Just want to say that when people ask me how my family is doing _hmmmmm -I usually respond with - when someone is having a bad day the rest of us try to rally around. Safety in numbers and hopefully the rest of us can be support.  I feel that "safety in numbers" here on this page.

To the comment about people saying that they will be there  - I can't tell you how many times when I have needed help with my daughters' little girl.... and no one was there - how deeply sad I am.  But - she is our light in the darkness. A lovely thing. 

I am as always - Thankful for the comfort I feel.  I just hope that you all know that I send my support for healing and my prayers for peace are with you all.  L

Comment by Michelle H on March 20, 2014 at 1:32pm

Thank you, Connie. I'm sure Chris Wii be honored.

Comment by Connie K on March 20, 2014 at 11:46am

Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers also Michele to get through tomorrow okay. And to everyone...

I will remember Chris with a candle

Comment by Vasanthi S on March 20, 2014 at 10:24am

Michelle, you are in my thoughts and prayers... the day will pass and I too struggle with the times when I am so afraid to allow myself to feel because I don't know what will be unleashed and how to handle it. try to just keep calm and feel Chris's love for you. That helps and there is then a feeling of connection. Chris loves you and don't you ever forget that important fact. That will tide you over any negative feelings. 

Adrianne you are so right, Karen is responsible for so much of the help and support we have got... That is huge and I really want to say Thank you with all my heart.

Bern, So many challenges and so much of adversity can make anyone  feel sad. I feel your pain and I think when its hard just try and ride with it. It is the time to grieve and that is what you and your husband are doing but in your own unique ways. Sometimes I do feel that grief being so personal really is for the sufferer alone and no one else really understands. I accept that and try to maintain some semblance of functionality. I pray that things ease up for you and prayers are so powerful . Please try and get to a calm place inside of yourself beneath all the pain and loss and sorrow. xoxoxoxo

Comment by Michelle H on March 20, 2014 at 9:29am

Tomorrow is the DREADED day...the first anniversary of Chris' death. It makes me angry for some reason that so much time has passed when it feels like it just happened. Am I somehow magically supposed to be "better?" I can't even cry and THAT makes me mad, too. I want to feel, but I'm afraid to feel. I wish I hadn't learned to stuff my feelings when I was a kid. Wanting to feel doesn't make it happen. I want to feel Chris!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 20, 2014 at 12:25am

Karen
You started this thread and helped us find a home in this grief. Somewhere to go where we know we are not alone. Where others unfortunately share our pain and understand our grief. Grief isn't just sadness. It's a huge void. A loss greater than the deepest sea. It's anxiety and panic attacks. It's pure disbelief. It's fear of the unknown. Where is he/she? Alone somewhere in the dark? Cold? Scared? Thank you Karen. Where are you? You once wrote daily and now you barely write. With love and appreciation.

Comment by Bern on March 20, 2014 at 12:09am

No easy days for me. I wear a mask at work. I am married and hide my tears at home too. Our marriage was loss too. We can not find anything in common anymore. He eats alone. I eat alone. We sleep in separate beds. I just could not pretend to want to act like I am have a good time and really, I just don't want anyone but my son only. What a hell of a life, I live now empty without my 20 year old son that was shot 9/30/12. Why me? Why him? He was born and raised in the country, trying to live like his friends "Hard". All the calls I have received are bad new. I am trying not to loss my mind but this is hard,

Comment by Connie K on March 19, 2014 at 11:20pm

Grace I am so sorry for your loss and all the bad memories it has brought up for you. Sending you extra prayers tonight.

I don't like the look of Resurrection and I think it has an evil plot twist (the resurrected aren't "the same"...cue scary music) so I will stay away from that. I'm still trying to recover from True Detectives!!

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