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Comment by L on March 20, 2014 at 1:32pm

Haven't been free to read all of your thoughts and emotions until just now.  I think that we all relate to the pain of grieving so intensely that it is all consuming.  Big things / little things / anything ....can trigger the roller coaster of sadness.  Birthdays and Anniversaries are monumental sources of sadness.  If there are a couple of things that I can throw out that might work for any of you - it would be to let your feelings out if it makes you feel better in the end - even to those that you think don't really care.  You might be teaching them how to be compassionate.  My heart goes out to you Bern with regard to your marriage.  Is there anyway to find some common ground?  I had cancer 5 years ago and my husband was my rock - when my Daughter died, I was his.  We now are just holding on to each other trying to get to a good place.  I wish I could help in some small way.  To you Michelle, I will keep you in my prayers tomorrow. Anniversaries I can only imagine are extremely hard.  Maybe when I get there - you will be my strength and guide to just get through the day. I will think of you tomorrow and hope that you can get through the day.  Just want to say that when people ask me how my family is doing _hmmmmm -I usually respond with - when someone is having a bad day the rest of us try to rally around. Safety in numbers and hopefully the rest of us can be support.  I feel that "safety in numbers" here on this page.

To the comment about people saying that they will be there  - I can't tell you how many times when I have needed help with my daughters' little girl.... and no one was there - how deeply sad I am.  But - she is our light in the darkness. A lovely thing. 

I am as always - Thankful for the comfort I feel.  I just hope that you all know that I send my support for healing and my prayers for peace are with you all.  L

Comment by Michelle H on March 20, 2014 at 1:32pm

Thank you, Connie. I'm sure Chris Wii be honored.

Comment by Connie K on March 20, 2014 at 11:46am

Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers also Michele to get through tomorrow okay. And to everyone...

I will remember Chris with a candle

Comment by Vasanthi S on March 20, 2014 at 10:24am

Michelle, you are in my thoughts and prayers... the day will pass and I too struggle with the times when I am so afraid to allow myself to feel because I don't know what will be unleashed and how to handle it. try to just keep calm and feel Chris's love for you. That helps and there is then a feeling of connection. Chris loves you and don't you ever forget that important fact. That will tide you over any negative feelings. 

Adrianne you are so right, Karen is responsible for so much of the help and support we have got... That is huge and I really want to say Thank you with all my heart.

Bern, So many challenges and so much of adversity can make anyone  feel sad. I feel your pain and I think when its hard just try and ride with it. It is the time to grieve and that is what you and your husband are doing but in your own unique ways. Sometimes I do feel that grief being so personal really is for the sufferer alone and no one else really understands. I accept that and try to maintain some semblance of functionality. I pray that things ease up for you and prayers are so powerful . Please try and get to a calm place inside of yourself beneath all the pain and loss and sorrow. xoxoxoxo

Comment by Michelle H on March 20, 2014 at 9:29am

Tomorrow is the DREADED day...the first anniversary of Chris' death. It makes me angry for some reason that so much time has passed when it feels like it just happened. Am I somehow magically supposed to be "better?" I can't even cry and THAT makes me mad, too. I want to feel, but I'm afraid to feel. I wish I hadn't learned to stuff my feelings when I was a kid. Wanting to feel doesn't make it happen. I want to feel Chris!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 20, 2014 at 12:25am

Karen
You started this thread and helped us find a home in this grief. Somewhere to go where we know we are not alone. Where others unfortunately share our pain and understand our grief. Grief isn't just sadness. It's a huge void. A loss greater than the deepest sea. It's anxiety and panic attacks. It's pure disbelief. It's fear of the unknown. Where is he/she? Alone somewhere in the dark? Cold? Scared? Thank you Karen. Where are you? You once wrote daily and now you barely write. With love and appreciation.

Comment by Bern on March 20, 2014 at 12:09am

No easy days for me. I wear a mask at work. I am married and hide my tears at home too. Our marriage was loss too. We can not find anything in common anymore. He eats alone. I eat alone. We sleep in separate beds. I just could not pretend to want to act like I am have a good time and really, I just don't want anyone but my son only. What a hell of a life, I live now empty without my 20 year old son that was shot 9/30/12. Why me? Why him? He was born and raised in the country, trying to live like his friends "Hard". All the calls I have received are bad new. I am trying not to loss my mind but this is hard,

Comment by Connie K on March 19, 2014 at 11:20pm

Grace I am so sorry for your loss and all the bad memories it has brought up for you. Sending you extra prayers tonight.

I don't like the look of Resurrection and I think it has an evil plot twist (the resurrected aren't "the same"...cue scary music) so I will stay away from that. I'm still trying to recover from True Detectives!!

Comment by Grace on March 19, 2014 at 7:58pm

Has any one seen the advertisement for a new tv show called resurrection... it is about the dead coming back?  I don't think I could watch it.... it has been 5 years.... and i doubt if my emotions could handle it..... 

This has been such a bad week.... as I was telling you about my Friday morning dream of my Niles.... this past Monday.... My friend died.  I learned later that her husband rushed her to the hospital Friday morning.....   She died similar to the way my first husband (Different Wedding) died 31 years ago... as he described the events..... FLASH BACKS 31 years ago... I still remembered the names of the Blood Pressure Medication give to some one who has a drop in BP..... and floods on flash backs to 31 years ago.... 5 years ago... and the Dreams..... 

Comment by Connie K on March 19, 2014 at 6:55pm

Wow- I echo all of your feelings. Our days and emotions are like the tide.

Some days it's a tidal wave. I'm sorry for all of your pain.

And about what you said Lynn - people's judgements can make you crazy and intensify everything. I think it's impossible for someone who has not had this loss to understand and I that for some people to entertain the thought of it happening to them is just too scary. You know how before we lost our kids, if you had the thought - you felt like there's no way you could ever survive it. It's the worst imaginable fear. It reminded me of when my best friend told me that another friend of hers had lost her daughter at age 16 a couple of years ago and my friend told her that she'd be there for her - whenever, whatever she needed. Then I asked her how the mother was dealing with it so I could possibly get some insight, and she admitted she had never seen her since. I was really taken aback because this is so unlike my friend. I asked her why and she just said it scared her to death because she had a daughter that age with her own issues. Anyway, her reaction is what gave me the insight  - and I gave her the real low down on how it feels. Now she has also learned a lot about how to help people going through this and dealt with some of her own fears and she has been my biggest support this year.  But if you don't HAVE to deal with it nobody wants to and they probably wonder how we possibly can. So I'm proud of all of us just for finding the strength to carry on each day, however we have to (sometimes crying through the whole damn day, kicking and screaming or finding an occasional bit a peace when we feel our childrens spirit helping us along the way, or by helping others). I'm so glad we have support here and am sending a huge prayer for spring weather to come to everyone soon!!!!!!!!!! I wrote a song last year sometime (I have no concept of time anymore) and will be recording it. I'll share with you all when I get it done. It's called "Mama Don't Cry". Yes - it's a country song :)

Thanks for giving me encouragement to sing again.

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