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Comment by Michelle H on April 5, 2014 at 2:24pm

Thank you, Jane. That means a lot.

Comment by Jane P on April 5, 2014 at 1:53pm

We are all with you Michelle....

Comment by Michelle H on April 5, 2014 at 10:00am

Tomorrow is the dreaded day: we have to go to the cemetery, almost 200 miles away, for the dedication of my son's headstone. At least this time I was able to get a priest to participate in the service, unlike at the funeral. I know it will be painful seeing my son's name on that tombstone, will make it more a reality since I never saw him dead.

Comment by Grace on April 5, 2014 at 9:22am

So yes I still miss my Niles.... almost 5 years later.... and yes I understand not wanting the time to pass and the fear of forgetting each detail of life... I also have had a realization that life is short and I do find myself saying do it today because tomorrow is not certain... I lost a friend and have several other people I know who are closer to the end with cancers.... I find myself MAKING the time for visits and less time for cleaning my house.  

I read the comments about being comfortable talking about your child... I do and I try not to use the Euphemism words... such as passed away or other words... I say DIED... because I want the others to feel the rawness of what it is.....Painful..... sometimes we try to make the painful more palatable for others.... but maybe if we communicate the pain and that we can say the word DIED... they can see that they can talk to us and know that we are very broken but can handle the truth of our situation?      We are still alive and living with the pain of death .....

Comment by Teresa D. on April 5, 2014 at 7:49am

Connie my mom is the same way.  Michael was her first grandson, I know she loves him but won't allow me to say a word, which is frustrating to me.  I need the comfort of my mom and haven't been able to get it.

Connie, that friend has one son and I know she would never be able to handle something happening to him.  She called again and apologized again.  I just don't know how many apologies I can take. 

Adrianne, I kept finding hearts.  That was your son letting you know he was there.  I too miss my conversations with Michael.  There's times I want to call him and have to work pass the urge.

Today is the first beautiful day in a long time.  I invited some old friends to come over so I can try to smile.  Hopefully I can do it without guilt.  The other day I found myself laughing at the radio and when I realized it I cried.

I wish everyone well and some peace as well.

Comment by Connie K on April 4, 2014 at 10:36am

Wishing everyone here some peace today.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on April 4, 2014 at 1:55am

Connie
It does get harder. I try not to be rude. I don't want to embarrass anyone. But the next time someone says it will get easier I'm going to friggin say something. Most of these people are moms. Why woukd they think it's easier not to see your child in months, years, etc? I spoke to my son sometimes a dozen times a day. After he passed my phone would ring and there would be no one there. But it sounded like someone was trying so hard to get a hold of me. This happened often. I always felt like it was my son. Then it went away.

Comment by Connie K on April 3, 2014 at 11:11am

I love the book "Tear Soup". It deals with the very individual ways in which people deal with grief and is really insightful. It makes you understand with beautiful illustrations as well, that each person's grief, in fact, each grief is one's own journey. It points put, kindly, the potholes we and others stumble into when dealing with our grief. I gave it to all of my best friends because I didn't know how to say it and it helped them to understand if just a little. But my Mom, who is also grieving the loss of her grandson (I have to remember that) also just sort of blows it off when I start talking about Daniel by saying "I know I know" in a loving way. BUT she doesn't know. I realize she has lost her Mom and Dad and husband and certainly understands loss. But, she can't know this pain that we endure. She just can't. It is maddening when people compare other types of loss to this. One  thing is for sure though - we can understand, we will understand their loss. If there is anything to be learned through this, it is to use our pain to love a little more because we understand the depth of human tragedy. Even if it makes people uncomfortable, I refuse to not mention my son if I think of something in normal conversation. Whenever I am i that position, I do hesitate, but then feel like I have every right to talk about my son. Yes it's weird and uncomfortable especially if I have to tell someone new that my son has passed. But if I try to avoid questions about if I have kids, etc. I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. I just don't really care if others have to deal with the reality of life for a second. Teresa to your friend who dared compare a break up with the loss of your son, she needs a good swift kick in the butt. I am assuming that she doesn't have kids?

Adrianne, my husband gets quiet too but he listens and is the only one who knew my son the way I did. Everyone deals with it differently. Although I wished he opened up more, it seems like my husband prefers to suffer silently and I have to respect that. That's why I need all of you so much!!!! And a good counselor or therapist.

I hate getting farther away from the day Daniel left because I don't want to forget anything. My longing to to hold him and hear that laugh just gets stronger and stronger. The hurt just gets more intense while others believe it must be getting better because more time as gone by.

Sending love to everyone today.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on April 3, 2014 at 3:10am

My husband gets quiet when I talk about Don. Uncomfortable. Makes me sad.

Comment by anne on April 2, 2014 at 5:22pm

It's rare that I talk about my boys, especially to my daughters. They tell me not too. There's very few people I talk too about them. I think it's because people are of the mind set that unless it's happened to them they don't want to deal with it. I'm learning to understand it, but I'm sad that people are so narrow minded about the death of a child. I think it might be fear. People who were my friend before are no longer. I have been told that I am a jinx, and that others are afraid that it will happen to them if they are a friend to me. Totally ignorant, but this is my reality. Before I experienced the death of a child myself, when I would hear about this subject my heart would hurt for them, and I thought it was only right that I treated that person with love and understanding. After Lil Del died I learned that I was probably the only one who felt that way, and that others are not as sympathetic. Sad too say that everything I thought was right turned out to be not true when it came to my reality. I believed I killed my own child because that's how I was treated afterwards. It took years for me to understand that it wasn't my fault. I've read many books about grief, but I haven't come across anything that helps people on the outside of death learn what is helpful, and what is not helpful to grieving parents. Fear is a powerful emotion, and can cause great pain for those of us whose reality is the loss of a child. That's part of the reason I have turned to God for help and comfort. Atleast here we can share our stories, and emotions without fear of being hurt. May Peace, Love, and understanding be with all of you.

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