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Comment by Jesse's Mom on April 9, 2014 at 2:24pm

By Theresa, "Everything is such a process now. Getting to realizing this is so very real has been a process and not one I've completed. There are some mornings I wake up and think 'Oh yea another day to get through without Michael.' and some mornings its, "No No No this is not happening"

 

Theresa, this is exactly where I am at...it is every morning for me...it is just exhausting this new reality...and I hate it, every minute of it...

Comment by Lynn Williams on April 8, 2014 at 8:00pm

Michele I hope you are holding up after the cemetery visit and the unveiling of your sons memorial. Some days I feel like I am just existing. The past 24 hours have been very rough for me. Yesterday an old friend of my daughters from high school told me she went to a healer and Kyra came through. I felt so elated to here about it and hear. Her say she was okay, but an hour later I broke down .
The reality of her death hit me over the head again and I dissolved. I know I will pull out of this but the emptiness is so hard to bear.My husband is going skiing for a few days so I can let my feelings out alone. I know what you mean Connie when you say it's hard to care about our future now. Maybe tomorrow this grief will ease. Love to all

Comment by Connie K on April 8, 2014 at 10:54am

I understand that feeling Michele H. The sadness does become intensified when we put all our energy into their memory and honor them. I think because they are close  and there with us. But there is definitely the physical part that seems to have memories in every cell of your body.

Right now it has become harder for me because as my arm heals and I now have no employment except the occasional singing gig, I am so lost without my son. We were a team. So it is hard for me to get myself together, get a job, and start a new chapter in my life????!!!! It is hard to care about any future right now. But I will always honor and celebrate my beautiful, sweet boy. And I pray that I receive the guidance I need.

Comment by Michelle H on April 8, 2014 at 10:08am

Grace, thank you for your instant message. I wasn't by the computer when it came. The dedication is behind me now, but I feel like it's the first days all over again. My entire body aches and the sadness is intensified. I guess I'm coming to the realization that this will never really be better.

Prayers to all and thanks to all who were thinking of me on Sunday.

Comment by Teresa D. on April 8, 2014 at 10:05am

Connie Michael's tournament warmed my heart but your right at the same time it was one of those moments I realized how real this all is and that Michael is gone from this earth. 

Everything is such a process now.  Getting to realizing this is so very real has been a process and not one I've completed.  There are some mornings I wake up and think "Oh yea another day to get through without Michael." and some mornings its, "No No No this is not happening" 

Nothing we do or don't do is going to change anything.  Does that thought keep me from having daily break down moments?  Nope! 

This is a heavy load or as Dolly would say like a ton of concrete on your back.  It's such a long journey.

I'm still trying to figure out how to live Michael's life for him. 

I'm still trying to figure out how to answer questions about my kids.

I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with insensitive comments.

I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with the silence of a few, like my mother.

I'm still trying not to cry everyday.

I have none of this and more figured out and some days it hurts my head.  But one thing I do know is I have no choice but to take this journey for whatever reason. 

I want to smile again and it not hurt.  I want to laugh again without crying inside.  I want to be real again instead of wearing this damn mask all day everyday and I just pray everyday that God will help me reach there. 

Connie, it's ok go ahead and exhale. 

Comment by Connie K on April 7, 2014 at 11:45am

Teresa- I am so glad your friend apologized. Sometimes anyone can make an insensitive and thoughtless remark. At least she understands that was inappropriate and cares enough about you to try to make it right. Forgive and you both will have a deeper friendship because of it and hopefully she can be a better support for you in the future.

My heart is just breaking. Although the Drum Circle was wonderful, it has made me so aware that it is final in this world. It is hard not to give into this huge weight in my chest, just to be depressed, curl up in bed and wait til I see him again. But I know that is not what he would want and I'm afraid it won't get me to where he is anyway. God - this is such a heavy load to carry.

Comment by Connie K on April 6, 2014 at 10:56am

Vasanthi - congratulations. I know it's been hard on you making all the plans but now is your time. I'm sure you are missing Micks even more but he will be there making everything beautiful for your day.

Sending everyone prayers and love

Comment by Teresa D. on April 6, 2014 at 8:54am

Good for you Vasanthi.  It is so nice to see someone is having happiness back in their life.  Mick will be there with you every step of the way.  CONGRATULATIONS! 

Michelle, thinking of you.

I was looking forward to my friends coming but things took a bad turn.  One called to say her daughter was in a bad accident and they weren't sure she was going to make it.  (she woke up) And then the other called and said her son got locked up the night before.  Both of these situations were caused by alcohol.   

Comment by Vasanthi S on April 6, 2014 at 7:10am

Michelle, love to you, you are in my prayers.. Now my parents are here as I am getting married on the 13th. Its a new life with a good, kind man and its a happy time, yet 
Micks presence is sorely missed, I so so want him, he would have been happy and content with this step I am taking..love u micku, not a moment goes by where you are not in my heart.

Comment by Michelle H on April 5, 2014 at 5:07pm

Connie, Lynn, thank you. It will mean being with people who have hurt me a lot, in addition to the pain of the event.

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