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Comment by Connie K on May 14, 2014 at 11:00am

Teresa - I think I have been in shock for at least the first year . Now the reality gets more and more intense. These last few months  seem even harder because like you all say, just when you think you are dealing okay, you are not. I have to take one day at a time to get through my responsibilities. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't recognize the person looking back. I wonder how I have survived even this long

Comment by Teresa D. on May 14, 2014 at 5:50am

You ladies are so right.  Adrianne I too want my life back.  And I think a lot about if Michael was scared.  Did he know what was happening?  Did he feel any pain? Was the phone in his hand because he was calling me back or because it happened when we hung up?  Why didn't I hear something in his voice? It's torture.  I tell myself if he can face death so can I.  Everyday to me is a day closer to Michael.  Sad way to live.  But who is really living.  It's more like Dolly said we are pretending.

LR emotional landminds is exactly what it is like.  You never know what is going to hit you and how hard it's going to hit. 

Going into Walmart I saw this kid that I thought was Michael.  Stopped me dead in my tracks and then I stood and stared.  I had to tell myself it's not him get moving.  Then I ran down an empty isle and cried.

This being my second Mother's Day I thought I was prepared.  I woke up crying with my fiancé telling me how I cried all night and kept him awake all night. I didn't know.  I thought this one would be easier but it was actually harder.  Is it because I'm starting to face reality?

But if I'm facing reality then why do I look for him when I know I won't find him?

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on May 14, 2014 at 12:54am

How sad that "normal" is for us now what others don't have any understanding of. Our reaction to holidays. Our profound sadness. The daily anxiety and fear. I don't like this and I want my life back. I want to see my son. Not wonder if he exists or not somewhere. Not torture myself wondering if he was afraid. He was alone when he died.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on May 13, 2014 at 3:04pm

Anne, I totally agree with your words....and I am glad the weekend of Mother's Day is over...it seems like my life has become one of avoiding emotional landmines...there is a part of me that would like to paint a closet black and then live in it for the rest of my time...I am so emotionally exhausted from just trying to cope with so many triggers...

Comment by Teresa D. on May 13, 2014 at 5:37am

I pretty much cried my way through Mother's Day.  I avoided the phone because I didn't want to ruin anyone's day. My one friend kept calling so in the evening I finally answered.  I thought I was ok but burst into tears as soon as I heard her voice. I told her how sorry I was but how difficult the day was.  She told me to go ahead cry and so I did.  I don't think she realized how much I appreciated her allowing me to do that.

Toni my ex-husband has Michael's dog and I think all the time he must wonder where he is and why he is not coming home.  I know his dog misses him badly. 

MICHAEL MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Connie K on May 12, 2014 at 6:24pm

Toni - So sorry it was so hard for you. I find so much comfort in my animals. My son's dog always slept on his bed. Now he usually sleeps on mine. But when I see him on Daniel's bed, it makes me feel like his spirit is here. They miss them too...

Comment by anne on May 12, 2014 at 6:17pm

Peace, and Love to you Toni.

Comment by toni m dicarlo on May 12, 2014 at 4:29pm

I thought I could get thru yesterday ok and I was so wrong ! I missed my son so much I left the celebration and spent the rest of the day with Emma my so s dog . I got her when Gabe wa 9. She is my saving grace . My heart is so heavy and I feel old

Comment by anne on May 12, 2014 at 12:29pm

That's the trouble my own family won't deal with it or allow me to deal with it. When I get the dirty looks it breaks my heart.

Comment by Connie K on May 12, 2014 at 11:43am

I understand Anne. It is amazing to me how people can just act like they were never here. I will never be shushed when I talk about my sweet boy, even when I feel the uncomfortableness. If I have to deal with it, surely they can too

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