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Comment by Michelle W on May 17, 2014 at 1:34pm

Dolly,
I know I want my son back.. I on bad days I just try to focus on my projects.. As my husband call them .. If you didn't know what my situation was you would think I was crazy.. mad.. And I guess maybe I am a Little now.. When I can't stand the daily pain any more I do a project.. I have learned to crochett sew paint tile I have rep ain't many rooms in my house oh, and the latest I built a pallet garden only days off.. So Lynn I hope the gardening will help take me away.. Anne, you speak such wise words.. I just spend my day trying to forget and trying to remember.. Yes I wish everyone would be able to look through my eyes for just a minute then there would be that comforting compassion I need most of the time.. I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.. I work 4 ten hour shifts so I am busy on work days and I can keep busy and deal with life on the other three,, it does help,,, hugs to all
Michelle

Comment by Teresa D. on May 17, 2014 at 8:07am

Anne, you give such hope to me.

One thing about this group is everyone keeps "it real".  Others will tell you time will heal wounds but the parents ahead of us will tell you no that's not so.  You will learn to manage it but the scar will always be there as Anne stated.  Right now I need the scab to grow.

Comment by Lynn Williams on May 16, 2014 at 7:34pm

Michelle thank you for the video. Some days is don't know what to write. One thing I am certain about, the coming of warm weather and the ability to work in my garden is lifting my spirits. It has been nine months and I am so much better than I was in January. I want to thank you Anne for sharing your journey as well as everyone else on this site. I never imagined I could survive Kyra's death but I go on because my family and friends give me understanding and love. My faith has grown and I know Kyra is still with me and we will see each other again. Most nights when I listen to the news I start crying. The torment people inflict on others is incomprehensible. After the death of your child it's so difficult to hear about needless violence in the world. Sending hope and hugs to everyone here. Lynn

Comment by Jesse's Mom on May 16, 2014 at 6:55pm

I get so tired of the "just be strong" message or "put on a face" so others won't be uncomfortable...sometimes I wish people could "live" my life for one month...they would not be so flip and would gain a little wisdom...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on May 16, 2014 at 6:51pm

Thank you Anne for continuing to share...I know  this pain will be lifelong..and I thank you for your honesty and bravery and being realistic in how the journey really continues...

Comment by anne on May 16, 2014 at 5:03pm

The wound of the death of a child never heals all the way. It scabs over, but never really heals. At least that's how I feel about it. I have plenty of good days. I also never have a day when I don't think about my sons. Some thoughts are happy, and some are not. Sometimes the scab get's pulled off by a nasty comment, a nightmare, or a dirty look from my daughter, but I do my best to regroup, and begin again. I have worked very hard to learn to pick my battles, what I can handle, and what I can't. There's just no easy way to deal with this. So all anyone can do is do their best, one day at a time. I don't cry very much anymore because I'm pretty sure I'm close to being all cried out. But when I do cry I allow myself to do so. I try to avoid music that hurts my heart, and I walk away from those who say, or do things to hurt me. I don't always do the right thing, and I make many mistakes, but I also try to forgive myself when I mess things up. There are lots of times I would like to give up, but my faith always brings me back, and my love for my family gives me reason to live. I miss my boys everyday, but I also can feel them in my heart. I believe feeling them is a gift that comes with time. I post on this site with the hope that I may give maybe a little strength, and hope to someone else, and to help myself survive by sharing my feelings, experience, and love. I need all of you. You all teach me things that only you can teach me. I consider you all a friend, and a confidante. I wouldn't mind going through this alone if it meant that no one else had to suffer this kind of tragedy, but since no one can control who lives, and who dies, I am so very grateful I have a place to go where there's no judgement, and where comfort and wisdom is abundant. You all may not feel helpful or wise, but the truth is YOU ARE. You are all very beautiful, and incredibly special people, and I am so grateful to know you. I know this is a long post, but I have to speak what I'm thinking, and feeling because I believe that the unspoken words are the saddest of all. May the happy thoughts of all your children fill your hearts with love.

Comment by Ammy on May 16, 2014 at 1:18pm

Michelle, I love that song.  I have it saved in my little collection of songs that (for me) relate to this life I now live.  That we all live.

Eva, allow yourself to grieve.  Two months is almost like the day she left.  Sadly, you must feel this until you can go no further and then one day it will be a gentler day, and then another gentler day will come along as you adjust.  No easy way around it.  Just go through it and allow yourself to feel and express your sadness.  

As always, you all are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Comment by Michelle W on May 16, 2014 at 1:03pm

Teresa,
It is so hard to explain (most folks just don't care, it makes them uncomfortable ) how you feel inside. I have so many people at work say oh your always in such a good mood... I haven't truely enjoyed life sense my son has left me.. I was at the pool first warm day this year, all really to just relax in the sun, then boom I was laying there thinking this is just peaceful.. I am truely enjoying this and then in the next thought was wow the cement is really hard.. Then I go through my sons accident and what pain he may or may not have felt and boom that three seconds were gone I just sat there and cried,, so I don't believe time heals the wound .. I think I just intensifies it.. And Connie, I think I may understand about the driver, I know that the accident was different but I know this boy was my sons friend but he didn't even call in all this time and say soviet or are you ok or even explain what happen..I too have horrible feelings about this boy... In my eyes my son would have felt so bad he would feel the need to communicate some how with the family..it's the not knowing,,, he was there...two and a half years and wow this can be a challenge some days... Hope everyone is have as I call it a good day..

Michelle W

Comment by Teresa D. on May 16, 2014 at 5:42am

Michelle thank you for sharing the video, it is exactly how I feel right now.  PEACE to ALL!

Comment by Connie K on May 15, 2014 at 11:56am

Thanks Michele and all of you for being here.

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