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Comment by Connie K on May 26, 2014 at 10:37pm

or plant a penny with your hydrangea if you want it to be blue. A penny from heaven.

My dear Kim, I am so so sorry for your loss. I have also lost my son and only child 18 months ago next Saturday. I can't add much but to say that we are here for you and unbearable as its seems right now, you will survive with some love and understanding. And hopefully you can find that here. Love to everyone

Comment by Lynn Williams on May 26, 2014 at 9:39pm

This holiday weekend has brought back many memories, The start of summer weekends and my daughter Kyra will not be here. I am so sorry Kim for the loss of your beloved son. My daughter died last August at 26 in a car accident. Some days are hard to get through. Every night lying in bed before sleep I talk to my daughter and the tears start to flow. Our lives will never be the same. I remember those feelings of just wanting to die so I could be with her again. It has gotten better but i still have difficulty truly believing she is gone. She lived out west in Montana not near our home. Dolly you can plant your hydrangea outside now. They like part sun to flower not all shade. If you want the blue colored flower blooms you have to give the soil around them food to add an acid PH to the soil. Home Depot or a gardening store sells it. Hugs to you Anne and Adrianne hope you are both feeling better. Love to everyone here tonight and our children in heaven.

Comment by anne on May 26, 2014 at 5:06pm

My music is all on paper, and some on CD. I'm not very tech savvy. However I can share lyrics.

Dear Kim I'm so sad to have to welcome you to a group no one wants to belong too. We are here. We know what your going through. I have learned that my sons started coming to me when the time was right. Time is different for everyone. We are all like snowflakes. We have a common denominator but we are all so unique. Personally I lean on faith. Been down every wrong road there is on this journey. When faith became my last resort, I was finally capable of some peace. Your journey  has just begun. Read posts here from all of the different folks who have walked in your shoes. Every story is different, and we each have our own way of coping. Learning to cope comes with time, and support. Most of us have had problems with friends, and family dealing with this tragedy. When you come here you never feel alone. Some of us have been walking this journey for a while, and some are in the middle, and some are as raw as you. One thing we all have in common is our love for our children, and the pain of death. Some days I can cope, and some days not so much. The days that are tough I just do my best to go with the flow. The big  sore of losing a child never goes away, but it does scab over in time. The wound opens up on occasion, but that's the reality of this journey. You are not alone.

I went to the cemetery today. I put flowers on my sons graves, and an American flag on my son Bens grave. I cried, told them how much I loved, and missed them. I kissed both of their headstones, sat in my van till the tears dried, and left for home. It's very painful for me to go to the cemetery. I know in my heart they are not there, but seeing their names engraved in stone hurts. May the Peace, and Love that passes all understanding be with all of you today!

Comment by kim on May 26, 2014 at 1:30pm

hi my name is kim, I just lost my beautiful son in nov, he was with me in our van, his heart stopped, I died to that day,  I go see him everyday, my heart is so broken, I want so bad to be with him. I only have the one child, even though he is 41 now hes always going to be my baby. I cant stop crying morning noon and night. and I feel so alone, friends don't call anymore and I feel my sisters are not here for me either. how does life go on with everyone and mu life is over.  I pray every night to go with him, im so tired anymore. I asked him to send me bunnies and everyday there on our front lawn, but I stopped dreaming7 months ago and I need him to come to me so bad, I need to know hes ok and with my mom. no one knows the pain im in, no one understands the heart break I feel. I just want so bad to go with him, the pain is so unbearable.to never hear my shawns voice or see his beautiful smile, what I would give to even here him yell at me one more time. how can I ever heal without the love of my life? 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on May 26, 2014 at 3:09am

Ammy
Thank you
XO

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on May 26, 2014 at 3:08am

Anne. Can you or would you link us to one of your recordings?

Comment by anne on May 25, 2014 at 11:06pm

Dolly thanks for sharing that! I believe in my heart that that hawk was a sign from Brandon! I also have noticed as time goes by how much closer I have become to nature. Not just in sight, but also in spirit. They also come much closer to me without fear. I came face to face with a raccoon hiding in our barn. I could hear her babies, and curiosity got the best of me so I had to look. Right there behind a piece of plywood was a mama coon and her babies. We looked each other in the eyes, and I was mesmerized by her beautiful eyes, than it dawned on me that she could've scratched out my eyes, but I wasn't afraid, and she didn't even try to attack me. Very bizarre because mama coons are very protective of their young. Each time I have a positive experience with nature I feel the love of my boys.

Tuesday I leave to go to see the neurologist. Been having terrible migraine's and much pain in my spine. I hope they can figure it out for me. I also got my pathology reports back, and it seems I have precancerous cells in the small intestine. Funny when I wanted to die I couldn't. Now I want to live, and I'm going to have to fight for it! Oh well that's life.

Adrianne I sure hope the Dr's can help you. It's bad enough with carrying grief, and than to have to deal with physical pain too can be overload. You are in my prayers.

On top of all that is happening in my life, I also have to serve on a federal jury this week. We were going through old paper work to find a deed to our rental house and I found an old picture of my Lil Del. Big smile, and the brightest, sparkling blue eyes you ever did see. He was the sweetest little boy. Full of love and wildness. I miss them both so much, but I know in my heart that I will see them again. I don't know what the future will bring for me, but one thing I do know. I know in my soul that there's nothing I can't handle. At least for now.

Teresa I sure hope that you were talking to Michael in your sleep! It's possible!

I think I will start singing again, but not for large audiences, but to spread my message of love to those who could use some comfort, and happy thoughts. Who knows, maybe I will again be able to write songs once more. You all hang in there. My heart is with all of you. I hope you all hear the strength, and courage I hear every time you share your thoughts, and experiences here on this site. I hear all of you making great strides on this journey. We will always fall down, but we will also get back up with each other's help, and comfort. Much Peace and Love to each and every one of you!

Comment by Ammy on May 25, 2014 at 9:30am

Adrianne, I am so sorry you are in so much physical pain.  I can't understand your pain, but I know how the physical pain can deplete us even more of our energy.  I keep you and all here in my prayers.  May you soon be feeling better.

Comment by Teresa D. on May 25, 2014 at 9:29am

Dolly that was Brandon letting you know he is watching over you.

Every time I hear another young person has lost their life I cry.  I feel the pain and grief that those parents feel.  I too would give anything to trade places with Michael, but I have come to know God doesn't negotiate.

My fiancé says I have been talking in my sleep lately, something I never did before.  He says it sounds like I am having a conversation with someone.  I have no memory of a dream or a conversation.  I wonder if God is letting me talk to Michael. 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on May 25, 2014 at 1:52am

Been sick. Sooooo much pain. Diagnosed with neuropathy. I don't do pain meds though I did do morphine in the hospital. But now dealing with another negative. Life is good. But then it takes away and then it's hard to trust. The physical pain is much like the mourning. I would gladly give up this body to let him live again. Miss my boy.

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