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Comment by anne on May 26, 2014 at 5:06pm

My music is all on paper, and some on CD. I'm not very tech savvy. However I can share lyrics.

Dear Kim I'm so sad to have to welcome you to a group no one wants to belong too. We are here. We know what your going through. I have learned that my sons started coming to me when the time was right. Time is different for everyone. We are all like snowflakes. We have a common denominator but we are all so unique. Personally I lean on faith. Been down every wrong road there is on this journey. When faith became my last resort, I was finally capable of some peace. Your journey  has just begun. Read posts here from all of the different folks who have walked in your shoes. Every story is different, and we each have our own way of coping. Learning to cope comes with time, and support. Most of us have had problems with friends, and family dealing with this tragedy. When you come here you never feel alone. Some of us have been walking this journey for a while, and some are in the middle, and some are as raw as you. One thing we all have in common is our love for our children, and the pain of death. Some days I can cope, and some days not so much. The days that are tough I just do my best to go with the flow. The big  sore of losing a child never goes away, but it does scab over in time. The wound opens up on occasion, but that's the reality of this journey. You are not alone.

I went to the cemetery today. I put flowers on my sons graves, and an American flag on my son Bens grave. I cried, told them how much I loved, and missed them. I kissed both of their headstones, sat in my van till the tears dried, and left for home. It's very painful for me to go to the cemetery. I know in my heart they are not there, but seeing their names engraved in stone hurts. May the Peace, and Love that passes all understanding be with all of you today!

Comment by kim on May 26, 2014 at 1:30pm

hi my name is kim, I just lost my beautiful son in nov, he was with me in our van, his heart stopped, I died to that day,  I go see him everyday, my heart is so broken, I want so bad to be with him. I only have the one child, even though he is 41 now hes always going to be my baby. I cant stop crying morning noon and night. and I feel so alone, friends don't call anymore and I feel my sisters are not here for me either. how does life go on with everyone and mu life is over.  I pray every night to go with him, im so tired anymore. I asked him to send me bunnies and everyday there on our front lawn, but I stopped dreaming7 months ago and I need him to come to me so bad, I need to know hes ok and with my mom. no one knows the pain im in, no one understands the heart break I feel. I just want so bad to go with him, the pain is so unbearable.to never hear my shawns voice or see his beautiful smile, what I would give to even here him yell at me one more time. how can I ever heal without the love of my life? 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on May 26, 2014 at 3:09am

Ammy
Thank you
XO

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on May 26, 2014 at 3:08am

Anne. Can you or would you link us to one of your recordings?

Comment by anne on May 25, 2014 at 11:06pm

Dolly thanks for sharing that! I believe in my heart that that hawk was a sign from Brandon! I also have noticed as time goes by how much closer I have become to nature. Not just in sight, but also in spirit. They also come much closer to me without fear. I came face to face with a raccoon hiding in our barn. I could hear her babies, and curiosity got the best of me so I had to look. Right there behind a piece of plywood was a mama coon and her babies. We looked each other in the eyes, and I was mesmerized by her beautiful eyes, than it dawned on me that she could've scratched out my eyes, but I wasn't afraid, and she didn't even try to attack me. Very bizarre because mama coons are very protective of their young. Each time I have a positive experience with nature I feel the love of my boys.

Tuesday I leave to go to see the neurologist. Been having terrible migraine's and much pain in my spine. I hope they can figure it out for me. I also got my pathology reports back, and it seems I have precancerous cells in the small intestine. Funny when I wanted to die I couldn't. Now I want to live, and I'm going to have to fight for it! Oh well that's life.

Adrianne I sure hope the Dr's can help you. It's bad enough with carrying grief, and than to have to deal with physical pain too can be overload. You are in my prayers.

On top of all that is happening in my life, I also have to serve on a federal jury this week. We were going through old paper work to find a deed to our rental house and I found an old picture of my Lil Del. Big smile, and the brightest, sparkling blue eyes you ever did see. He was the sweetest little boy. Full of love and wildness. I miss them both so much, but I know in my heart that I will see them again. I don't know what the future will bring for me, but one thing I do know. I know in my soul that there's nothing I can't handle. At least for now.

Teresa I sure hope that you were talking to Michael in your sleep! It's possible!

I think I will start singing again, but not for large audiences, but to spread my message of love to those who could use some comfort, and happy thoughts. Who knows, maybe I will again be able to write songs once more. You all hang in there. My heart is with all of you. I hope you all hear the strength, and courage I hear every time you share your thoughts, and experiences here on this site. I hear all of you making great strides on this journey. We will always fall down, but we will also get back up with each other's help, and comfort. Much Peace and Love to each and every one of you!

Comment by Ammy on May 25, 2014 at 9:30am

Adrianne, I am so sorry you are in so much physical pain.  I can't understand your pain, but I know how the physical pain can deplete us even more of our energy.  I keep you and all here in my prayers.  May you soon be feeling better.

Comment by Teresa D. on May 25, 2014 at 9:29am

Dolly that was Brandon letting you know he is watching over you.

Every time I hear another young person has lost their life I cry.  I feel the pain and grief that those parents feel.  I too would give anything to trade places with Michael, but I have come to know God doesn't negotiate.

My fiancé says I have been talking in my sleep lately, something I never did before.  He says it sounds like I am having a conversation with someone.  I have no memory of a dream or a conversation.  I wonder if God is letting me talk to Michael. 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on May 25, 2014 at 1:52am

Been sick. Sooooo much pain. Diagnosed with neuropathy. I don't do pain meds though I did do morphine in the hospital. But now dealing with another negative. Life is good. But then it takes away and then it's hard to trust. The physical pain is much like the mourning. I would gladly give up this body to let him live again. Miss my boy.

Comment by anne on May 24, 2014 at 7:04pm

The gal that I jumped in the cold channel for has passed away. I didn't know her, but for some odd reason I feel really bad for her family. She fought so hard, and for so long. Her life and death brought a entire community together for the fight against cancer. Today she was buried. I didn't go, but I watched from my window. Sometimes I just can't bring myself to go to funerals. I know attending let's God know I have respect for life, but I'm pretty sure He already knows what's in my heart. Every time something tragic happens in our small community I realize more, and more that I am not alone. I get so tired of tragedy, and death. Some days I yearn for something good. I'm tired of all the terrible, bad stuff on the news. I just want life to be more Happy. I pray for everyone to have more good days than bad. Peace and Love to all!

Comment by Teresa D. on May 24, 2014 at 7:34am

Today my good friend is coming to spend the day.  I'm really looking forward to it. Tomorrow her daughter is treating us to a day out. And Monday taking a relaxing boat ride.  I already cried today so I'm hoping I can keep the tears at bay while she is here. 

I was suppose to go to a viewing the other day but the closer the time came the more I couldn't do it.  The thought of seeing a coffin and someone in that coffin started to overwhelm me.  I felt so selfish and horrible but I was afraid what happened last time I attempted to attend one would happen again. I broke down at the door and couldn't breathe. 

How do I start to overcome some of this?  How do we deal with these things.  Just like everyone is still pressuring me to get married.  Problem is the minute I start to think about what that looks like I can't get pass the fact Michael's not going to be there.  Then I break down and that's as far as I can get with that thought.

I attempted to do the floating latern but I guess I missed the deadline. 

PEACE TO ALL!

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