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Comment by Jesse's Mom on July 27, 2014 at 10:45am

Melissa, very early on in this journey I came across Carol Kearn's website. She is a grief counselor who was mentored under Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She also lost her daughter, Krissie. I found her writings to be very helpful. She has also written many articles for Compassionate Friends.

Wishing you peace and everyone on this thread as well.

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html

http://www.carolkearns.com/columns/columns.html

Comment by Robin C. Scott on July 26, 2014 at 11:51pm

I haven't been here for quite a while, but I look in now and then to see how it's going. I haven't been able to talk about losing my only son since his death the morning of New Years Eve, 2012. He was my first born. His death deflated me. I am still broken, and I am still having trouble keeping it together. I still have days when the pain is so bad I can hardly move. His wife had him cremated, then kept his ashes-leaving our family with nowhere to grieve, and no memorial for him at all. She went crazy and ended up remarrying less than a year after his death-then had a baby right after!!!! She got married in October (Two weeks before her anniversary with my son) then gave birth a couple of months later. We figured out that she was pregnant with her new husband's child within four months of my son's death!!! It only made it all so much more horrible. I told her how we all felt about it, and she cut all ties with us, and with his little girl AND his ashes. I have his daughter with me, she's 16 now. My son was only 38-died with the widowmaker (clot in a main heart artery which effectively stopped the bloodflow into his heart. She was an LPN. She had a blood pressure cuff and stethiscope with her all the time. I said he needed to be checked by a cardiologist some six years before his death- the consistantly until he died. She made fun of me. She said there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with his heart-that she was a nurse, she would know. He had a hypertensive heart-untreated high blood pressure. I lost him because he listened to her. She let him die. Then she went out having sex and got herself pregnant within a few months after-like some out of control teenager. I am soooo bitter and angry!!! She acts like my son was nothing-just go right out and get a replacement for him. My son died busting his butt for her. He bought her a new home that was more than they could afford. He worked day and night to keep her happy-while she lied on the kids he had custody of from his first marriage saying they were treating her bad until he brought them to me. She took every penny he made and didn't even let him access the account his check went into!!! He carried a louzy $300 credit card he could use for gas and food. His kids from his first marriage did without, while hers lived in luxury. She kept him from visiting them, or any of us-ranting like a crazy person. So, he called us all a lot. We loved him so!!! Even though his first wife cheated on him, she never kept him from us, and we had him with us every holiday. But when he married the second one, we never had another family gathering with him on any holiday. She was evil and heartless and cruel, and I hope she gets in this new marriage all that she gave my son in their marriage. My son's insurance nearly paid off the big fancy home she wanted-and her new husband knocked her up, married her, and moved into the place my son worked and died trying to pay for. my bitterness is deep, and I know it isn't Christian-but I can't forgive her yet. I just hurt for my son so bad, and I just can't get over it. My heart goes out to all of you who are so broken like I am. I know your pain, your sleepless nights, your hopelessness, your alienation of the world around you, your guilt, your fervent prayers for peace in your heart and soul. I am with you. I understand.

Comment by Connie K on July 26, 2014 at 11:24pm

Melissa - we know your pain - sometimes it feels too much to handle but you can overcome this wave. I know your daughter is still with you in spirit and you just have to hold on to that - I don't think it's a lie. You'll see her again some day. Seems like your Dad was there with you today! Please message me anytime if you want to vent more.

Hugs to everyone

Comment by Melissa T on July 26, 2014 at 10:09pm

Don't worry, as much as I would like  to leave this world, I really haven't a way to accomplish it with out leaving a mess, and I fear if I took my life I'd be assuring myself a place in hell, and Kaitlin's not to be found there, nor are my parents. Just at the end of my rope and at a loss of what to do anymore.  My wi-fi is about to die and it's cord has been tampered with so it won't charge. Got to take it apart and try to fix it, thank God I followed my dad on weekends and learned some basics about repairing wiring, although he was an attorney not an electrician, I miss him too! Thanks for letting me vent.

Comment by Melissa T on July 26, 2014 at 9:27pm

6 years of despair is to  much for me, I'm just tired of being in a place where everyone feels out of sight out of mind, which includes pictures of my daughter that no longer grace there fridges with the rest of the cousins. I can't expect them to understand but it's like they pretend she was never here, and she was such a caring, loving teenager that would do anything for them! I have no one that has a clue that I can talk with, and in a way I'm grateful, cuz that would mean they to, like all of us have lost a child. I just want to go away, I've managed to make a mess of my life, and I've not had a moments happiness since Kaitlin died, and I'm tired of pretending, it's all just a lie.

Comment by Lynn Williams on July 26, 2014 at 9:05pm

Melissa please call someone to help you through the despair. Kaitlin loves you and is with you. She would never want you to do anything to harm yourself.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on July 26, 2014 at 8:58pm

Hey Melissa, do you have anyone you can talk to?

Comment by Melissa T on July 26, 2014 at 8:46pm

Can't exist in this world anymore. Time to leave it in hopes of finding Kaitlin, wish me luck!! Hope this works.

Comment by Connie K on July 26, 2014 at 5:59pm

LR it certainly is overwhelming. Last year I attended my niece's wedding about5 months after my son passed and when they had the mother/son dance I couldn't hold it back any longer. Of course I was happy to be with my niece and family but it is so painful to watch what we and our children willl never have

Comment by Jesse's Mom on July 26, 2014 at 4:26pm

Yesterday I came home and there was an invite for a dear friend's daughter's wedding...which triggered another meltdown...I am undecided if I will go...I may just send some money...

...so many reminders of what my life has become...it is overwhelming at times...

 

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