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Comment by Davi Burford on August 2, 2014 at 11:08am

i am missing Dylan sooo much today, cant stop crying and i havnt cried in weeks which was making me feel like something else was wrong. people say they are angry with GOD over this loss but i dong ferl angry just very hurt almost like betrayal, and i know in my heart my God would not do that but i wont go back to church yet because of this feeling, i ask to please pray for me

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2014 at 10:57am

thank you kim...it always makes me smile in my heart when something beautiful like this happens...also the deer have started to come out into the field in front of the mountain house and often look up at us when we are playing music.. they don't seem a bit afraid or disturbed by the music and come quite close.. to the bottom of the hill in front... BUT we also got a shock when we went upstairs [which we close up in winter] and found a LONG snake skin had been shed in our closet over the rod... a black snake who came in for the mice I guess... I wondered where all the mice had gone... but we aren't too worried because black snakes are territorial so I've been told, and should keep the rattlers at bay, and also I think it might be the same snake... or a relative... that twice came down the railing beside us on the back porch a year or so ago when we were playing music out there... she was docile and not the least afraid of us or threatening... so I guess we now have a WATCH SNAKE.... never thought THAT could happen...

Comment by kim on August 2, 2014 at 10:39am

dolly, all I can say is wow so beautiful. its a sign I know it is   hugs kim

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2014 at 10:31am

of course I had to play with it...

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2014 at 10:27am

last week we were given another amazing gift from heaven... I have never seen anything like this before in the woods near our mountain house.... I've seen lots of mushrooms but nothing like this:

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2014 at 10:00am

Looking back I'm amazed how I just shut down after the year anniversary of Brandon's death... its as if I am frozen into that place that KNOWS he is REALLY REALLY never coming back to me ... the reality is like a ton of sorrow strangling me with nowhere to go nothing to do no amount of tears help nothing helps its just over and i can't stand it....

Comment by Teresa D. on August 2, 2014 at 8:24am

Linda being able to say 1-2 years makes nothing any easier.  If anything the people who are willing to talk about your missing child becomes fewer. 

I agree with Anne you can't beat yourself up.  we all study those last days and moments.  We all can find a way to put blame on ourselves. 

This is a journey that none of us choose.  I am almost at the 2 year mark and the anxiety is taking over. The advise of taking one day at a time is what I'm trying to do but I have to admit I don't want September to come.  I don't know why because I now know I will survive it.  I survived it last year and I will survive it this year. 

I am starting to understand that this pain will never go away but I can manage it.  There's moments that just take over but most of the time I am able to manage my emotions.  For me my tears are more private now.  

I try to focus more on the good moments of Michael's life rather than that final day. 

And Dolly like you I get my gifts from Michael. I know he is there and I know those gifts are from him. And again, even if I'm wrong it's ok because it makes me feel better. 

HUGS TO ALL!

Comment by Linda on August 2, 2014 at 6:43am

thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. today is a new day and another opportunity to try and do better.

Big hugs and much love to you all for being there for me.

Comment by anne on August 1, 2014 at 9:12pm

Dear Linda, You're pretty hard on yourself, although I understand how that happens. I think we punish ourselves much more than anyone else possibly could. About the drinking. It won't work. I tried it myself after the loss of my 12yr old. When you try to mask the grief, and the pain with substances all that ends up happening is prolonging the inevitable. What goes up must come down. Going up is easy, but the coming down part is ruthless. After reading your post I started remembering once again feeling the same way. When I was young I partied like a rock star, and a few times I probably shouldn't have lived. The day my little boy died I was supposed to be driving, but I had worked all day, and was tired so I had my older son drive. I had no idea that decision would come to haunt me everyday of my life for years. The thing of it is there was no way of knowing what would happen that day. Even though I still at times hold myself responsible for his death I have learned to take it a little easier on myself. There was no way I could've known the outcome of that day. Hine sight is always 20/20. I do identify with you. I know for a fact that drugs, and alcohol are not the answer to grief. Working through and lots of time spent dealing with this loss has been my only savior. I too felt for a very long time that I didn't deserve to live. Many times I too have felt like a waste of space. I don't feel that way very often anymore. I  want you to know that most who lose a child want to do whatever it takes to not have to think or deal with it. Sooner or later though I had to make a choice. I chose no more drugs or alcohol. I chose to feel the pain, and feel the grief. It was hard, and it took a lot of time, but was worth the effort. It's like having a terrible painful sore. Substance abuse is a band aid. It covers the sore, but when removed the sore is still there, and sometimes that sore becomes infected, and much harder to heal. When my oldest son was killed my first reaction was to put the band aid on, and cover the sore. However flashbacks reminded me how much more devastating my grief would be if I returned to masking the agony instead of dealing with it head on. We are here to help each other, and writing down your feelings whatever they may be is a step in the right direction. You need to be a little nicer to yourself especially while you grieve. I am living proof of survival of the worst that can happen to a parent. I also have great faith that one day I will hold my children in my arms once more, and that's something no one can take from me. Peace, and Love to all.

Comment by Michelle H on August 1, 2014 at 8:19pm

Linda, most of us understand what you're feeling and have had similar feelings ourselves. It makes NO sense for a parent to have to bury a child. It should be the other way around. It's hard to make sense of the senseless. Feeling guilty is "normal" when we grieve. There are so many "what ifs," "if only," "I should haves" that we could drive ourselves crazy. Be gentle with yourself.

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