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Comment by Dolly on September 13, 2014 at 10:25am

VASANTHI I have been thinking of you constantly since you left for India... I wanted to call you and talk but at the last minute I chickened out.. I think I have developed a form of agoraphobia that even extends to talking on the phone.. I've always been pretty shy and reclusive, as you can probably tell by my little mountain house that's a mile back up a really bad old logging road and a mile back from the nearest GRAVEL road, and MILES from anywhere once you get OUT onto the gravel road.... but since Brandon died I have become almost totally unable to go out into the world... since I'm retired mostly... I still care for my other disabled son a few hours each day and am paid to do it by the state... so I don't HAVE to go anywhere... so I only go grocery shopping mostly and nowhere else.. even that makes me DIZZY.... so I'm sorry I didn't call... I am thinking and thinking about you VASANTHI and I have sensed something that has no name.... I also talk to my son all the time... I ask him how he likes his flowers... I have been keeping fresh flowers on his little corner stand that is still in the kitchen where he used to sit to be tube fed... I can't remove it... WON'T remove it... even tho some look at it a little sideways like I have a shrine or something.. well maybe in a way I do... not a worship shrine..  just a remembering place.... tho I remember him EVERYWHERE... I still can't even contemplate going back to the beach even though I have loved the beach all my life... well I hope to hear from you soon VASANTHI and I do hope this visit gives you some measure of peace... I have begun to feel deeply that our children are in a much better place then we are... a place where they are totally full of a joy we will NEVER feel here on earth... I guess in many ways my HOPE now rests in the possibility that one day I will go there too and be with all my loved ones who have gone there... so many.... well I love you Vasanthi... and Teresa D... and everyone here.... thank you all for being here for me....

Comment by Dolly on September 13, 2014 at 10:10am

Teresa D I too feel struck dumb these days as if nothing I think is worth passing on because nothing makes sense when our child dies and never WILL make sense and never WILL stop tearing apart our hearts... I dreamed about our little puppy last night... the one we found at the motel when we first went to meet our Brandon in preparation for his adoption.. so we adopted both Brandon and the pup from Baltimore... Angus was a tiny little pup and we loved him.. and later his daughter..  very much... someone purposely ran over Maggie May.. the daughter .. in front of our house and left her poor little body smashed on the road, and eventually Angus died of old age complications, but I do know how painful it is to lose one's pets and to lose your child's pets like you have is sort of like having the knife twisted once again I think.... Angus was very much attached to my husband, so not really Brandon's dog, but I will never forget that we found him at the motel when we went to meet Brandon for the very first time and feel like in some ways Angus was an 'angel' sent to guard us all.... I know some would say that's dumb but I don't CARE what some would say anymore.. that is one thing that has become very true since Brandon died... I DON'T CARE who thinks what if they are not supportive.... I just tune them out, ask God to bless them [before I bless them with a bat or something] and try to forget about their unkind words.. I do come in here often to read up and it hurts so much to see all the more recently broken hearts in here... so much pain... anyway, I do send you all hugs from the bottom of my heart but have stopped saying much because everything just seems to be silent and cold and lonely most of the time... and nobody needs to hear about MORE pain in here I guess... or at least I feel like I shouldn't keep heaping MY pain on everyone.... please don't think I'm criticizing anyone in anyway for unloading in here... heaven knows I've spilled my guts in here over and over.... just I can't seem to give anyone good news about how things are better now that its been 16 months... maybe someday...

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 13, 2014 at 8:02am

Thinking of you all a lot. Am in India now and it feels like a mother again. Thats the best I can describe this. I sit in my son's room andfeel as if he is with me. My parents walk in and we sit there and talk like we used to when Shreyas was there and I feel as if he is as usual listening and smiling and being there. Nights I kiss the pillow he slept on and he used to raise his head slightly for the goodnight kiss on his forehead. I talk to him and say ," so should I leave your bedroom door open or shut?" as sometimes he used to ask me to leave it open. My heart aches and aches for him. There is nothing in my control in any area and I am just kind of going with the motions of daily living. It will be 3 years this Dec and I cannot believe that I have walked the earth for 3 years without him.  It is not just painful but it leaves me stunned. 

Rachel, imagine being asked if there is some kind of medicine to 'forget'. I would have been fuming too. Such recent losses take so much time to process, get to terms with it, find some meaning in life to live it well. People who ask are ones who cannot comprehend and they don't because they have not had such a crippling blow. Well good, let no one have such blows. A friend here on the phone was going on and on about some elderly lady who lost her sons and she knew them and how she cried etc. I was trying to keep my patience and told her how I had tried to deal with it by surrendering to the Lord and she says oh well all are not like you, strong and facing facts.... I didn't know what to say as I felt she meant i hurt less and can just brush aside everything . In about 5 mins after that i just hung up.Connie, Teresa, Michelle, Dolly,  will be sending you messages as I am going through some tough decision making times and need your advice. Will do it in a couple of days. Love to all xoxox

Comment by Rachel on September 12, 2014 at 1:50pm

Dear Friends,

First, I just want to say “Thank You Sincerely” to all of you for your kind words and encouragement this past week.  Especially for your “PRAYERS”. 

Zell, please “Thank” your mother for me.  I can’t tell you how grateful I was.  That was so very kind of all of you.  I am a truly blessed to have each of you now in my path. 

This has been such a hard week to get through.  After my sister’s comment about trying to find a husband, it just put me in such a bad place and even more in a depressed state. 

Not to mention later that same day a friend asked me, if there was some kind of medicine I could take, to help me forget.  And though, I’m hoping she meant well.  I blew up and asked her to leave and not come back. (It just floors me, because she has kids.)

On another note and much to my disappointment, I went to my first grief support group meeting called “Compassionate Friends”.  I was somewhat upbeat about going.  I was looking forward to meeting other people like me.  And much to my disbelief I was the only one who showed up that night, other than the group leader.  I did share with her but I felt rushed and there was just too much silence between us.  I was so heartbroken and felt so let down.  I left feeling worse than before.  I felt as though it was an affirmation to me that I was in fact in this journey “ALONE” and for the long haul.    I cried all the way home and all that night.  I was so emotional at work as well.  But I can say that though I was alone, I did feel some sort of peace.  Though I wish I did have a “friend” someone to be there, not say a word.  Just hold my hand and cry with me.  So, I wouldn’t feel so alone. 

Thank you all for listening.  Please keep the prayers coming as I in turn will send my “PRAYER” back your way.  I send you all my love, support, complete understanding and so many tight, tight hugs. 

Comment by Connie K on September 12, 2014 at 10:21am

Teresa D. - I will be thinking of you on Sunday. I totally understand how you are feeling. I am feeling the same. It will be 2 years for me on Dec.1 Maybe now we are finally experiencing acceptance - which seems to leave you in a quiet void just not sure of what to do next. And I am so sorry about Michael's dog. I'm sure he was a comfort to your ex husband and you but yes I think you're right. He is with Michael now. Love and peace to all of you.

Comment by Ammy on September 12, 2014 at 10:20am

Teresa, I think what you are feeling can also be normal.  I know I get to where I can't say anything else either.  We seem to have said it all over and over and it remains.  

I was thinking of you earlier as we are in Margate.  First time since losing our son (4 yrs) that we have gone away.  It is kind of calming to be in a different atmosphere, plus we have our 2 youngest grandchildren with us to keep our minds distracted.

I hope you get relief with your daughter's visit.  Distractions are a blessing.

Linda and all, I am always thinking of you and praying for some calmness to be with you.  I know we will never be as we were, but we can have days where it's not consuming.  Deal with today.  Don't look to far ahead.  It will overwhelm you.

I embrace you all in my heart.

Comment by Lynn Williams on September 12, 2014 at 10:15am

Teresa I am happy your daughter is coming to spend a few days with you. I will say a prayer for Michael and you on Sunday. The anniversaries of our children's passing bring memories and such intense feelings. I too found out today I have to put my daughters cat to sleep, she has cancer. I am reading such a wonderful book called, Glimpses of Heaven" by Jane Backrack it was just released. It is giving me comfort. Sending hugs to you Linda and Michelle. I think the site is going through a quiet period. 

Comment by Michelle H on September 12, 2014 at 8:40am

Sending you hugs, Linda.

Comment by Linda on September 12, 2014 at 8:32am

I've had a rough couple of day's. I just don't want to feel anymore.

Comment by Michelle H on September 12, 2014 at 8:24am

Teresa, you're going through a lot and probably on overload. It's all so overwhelming, no wonder you feel as you do. You have a beautiful outlook on Michael 's dog passing away. Now they can be together again.

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