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Comment by Jill E on November 11, 2016 at 1:48pm

Less than a month away. December 7th the 2nd anniversary of the worst day of my life, the worst day of any parents life. It will be 2 years since I lost my Joshie. Just 2 years ago today I could pick up my phone and call him. Hear his voice, his laugh make me smile. Can't do that anymore. Can't hear him can't hug him can't tell him to his face how very much I love him. Then to top it off I have to make it through these holidays. I hate even going into the grocery store. I wish I could take a very long nap to January 2nd. Of course nothing would be different. Same pain, same lose...

Comment by Dolly on November 2, 2016 at 7:43am

Crystal and Nb.. I am so sorry you are now one of us... I thought I had felt the worst pain possible when my two granddaughters died even before they could be born.. but I was wrong.. In 2013 my youngest son, then 21, suddenly died.  He had had a life of many physical difficulties due to prematurity with hydrocephalus and a brain stem cyst, and later suffered paralysis from the waist down during corrective spine surgery ...but through it all he was a joyful shining light to our lives... when he died the light went out .. for many many months I was like a zombie alternating between feeling totally detached from everything and wrapped in a cocoon of pain ..and periods of a furious frustration ... to have no power to change such an impossible thing as this loss.. to have to just suck it up.. to pretend I was still alive when all I felt was lost somewhere between here where I was and there where HE was now.. I had many strange things happen during those times that gave me some vague reassurance that he was still 'around' me... the first thing was a song playing on the computer with no icon .. one song... then no more.. by one of his favorite groups since childhood.. the Chipmunks of all things... and the song was one I had never heard them sing before..'We Are Family'.. which was all the more overwhelming because my son was adopted... it still gives me chills to write about it.. NOTHING helps us forget.. we won't stop grieving.. EVER... while we are still alive... but I try to remember that the pain is MINE and its because I love him so much.. and its VALID and RIGHT that I should feel my heart is no longer whole and never will be... but HE no longer has any pain or fear or limitations at ALL.. sometimes that doesn't help one bit... but sometimes when I sense his presence around me.. like the scent of lilies where there are no flowers at all... like the strum on a toy guitar behind me where a guitar doesn't exist.. where a light goes on TWICE without anyone to activate it .. in a remote cabin in the woods with only solar power.. when it seems as if I am ALMOST in heaven when a loud clap of thunder sounds on the last note of an unfamiliar sad song is played .. many of those I thought were my friends and many of those in my family act as if Brandon never even existed and have no compassion for my grieving.. even an online church pastor told me horribly mean things such as that I was 'just feeling sorry for myself' .. its only others who have had the same heartbreaking loss that have been willing and able to let me cry and scream and withdraw whenever I needed to with no condemnation .. so I keep coming back here.. to touch that source of acceptance and love.. I'll NEVER stop grieving.. why SHOULD I... my sweet darling son is GONE from me and until I die this will always be so and nothing will make me feel any 'better' about it... but I too have other loved ones still living that keep me trying to keep living too.. and more and more I have started just trying to appreciate every second I have with each of them.. just know you can talk to us.. yell at us.... complain... and also you can share any bit of hope you have and any experiences you have .. good or bad... and we will listen with our sore hearts and we will cry with you and maybe some day smile with you when you feel some hope again.. there's no 'time' frame on this ... its not something that ever really ends... but it does somehow get less horrific .. in tiny tiny steps... until the pain becomes mixed up with hope for when we will be together again...

Comment by Sharon on November 1, 2016 at 11:48pm

Seven years since we lost our son. Seems like yesterday and yet so much has happened since his death. We have been blessed with the most precious granddaughter but still a cloud hangs over my head. I still feel guilty when I feel joy of any kind which took a long time to do. I believe our grandchild has helped immensely in our healing. She reminds me of our son in many ways. He would have loved being an uncle. All we can do is take one day at a time.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 1, 2016 at 9:07pm

I too have just past the 4 year mark. How strange and unreal my life seems now...there are the panic attacks that emerge time to time as I look at this earth, it seems like a foreign, hostile place to me now.

About NDEs...the first time I heard one was when I was working at a major health clinic about 10 years ago. I did not know at the time what a NDE was, I don't think the person who shared knew about them either, it was just his personal experience he told me. My co-worker's husband had a heart attack and almost died. I talked to him after he returned to better health. He told me he had died, entered some kind of light, there was so much peace he did not want to return to life. He quickly told me not to tell his wife that. 

I also had an Uncle who had an NDE a long time ago, during the 50s. He had been very ill, and was given pennicillan. What the doctor did not know is my Uncle was allergic to it and his heart stopped. He found himself outside his body looking down on the scene below. This story was told to me after my son passed.

Comment by Nb on October 27, 2016 at 12:13pm

Crystal, I lost my 18 year old two months ago yesterday. I am so sorry for your loss - I am probably just in the same boat as you, and so my advice may be limited, but I am finding grief counseling very helpful - talking helps.

Comment by Crystal Dardar on October 27, 2016 at 2:23am

I lost my 8 month old son just two months ago and I'm just trying to find anything and everything that will help me to keep going as I have a 2 year old I have to care for even though its difficult to get out of bed even though I get no sleep and I'm huge mess. just looking for advice from people who actually know what I'm going through and how it feels.

Comment by Michelle H on October 24, 2016 at 6:27pm

Ammy, I, too, don't come as often anymore but check in periodically. It's sad to see new parents appear here and it's also sad to see the ones who came around the same time that I did "disappear." As Thanksgiving approaches, I think back to that holiday of 2012, the last day I ever saw my son. It doesn't feel real, even this much later. My prayers for everyone here.

Comment by Ammy on October 22, 2016 at 11:52am

Hello sister "moms".  I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you all.  It's hard for me to believe that I came to this site 6 years ago.  It was an anchor for me and I am so glad I found it.  Now there are so many new "moms" and most that were here when I started have disappeared.  I think I understand why, but I am drawn back here to check and see how some of you that have been here for a few years are doing.  It's always sad to see newcomers, but I'm glad they also found their way here.

There is no cure for what we have, but in time there are remissions.  I pray you all get yours.  In the meantime keep breathing, take care of yourselves, and take those baby steps forward when you can.

Sending hugs and prayers to all.

Comment by Connie K on October 22, 2016 at 10:55am

Jesse's Mom I believe they are in peace and experiencing that which we cannot know. I pray for some peace for all of us. It is so difficult and as time goes by for me I wonder...how do I keep doing this. My health certainly has suffered. I just can't break through the wall of pain. Ad now with the holidays coming I just want to curl up in a corner til they are over. I dread it all. Daniel passed on Dec. 1at. I have not been able to have a family dinner at our home since. When I try to plan something my chest fills up and I feel like I can't breathe and then it all comes flooding back. I know everyone thinks I need to move forward. I haven't even found a job except I do a lot of volunteer work. I've gained a bunch of weight. I don't recognize myself. I lost me too. But my greatest joy is and will always be the sweet memories and love of my son. As hard as it is, I am so very thankful for him because that has shown me the greatest love, I miss you Daniel!!! I want you to come home.....

Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 21, 2016 at 9:41pm

Thank you for the kind words, and Connie, thank you for the lit candle in Jesse's memory. It truly touched me, I am honored that a candle for Jesse was placed beside your son's, Daniel.

And I am sure that Jesse was happy too.. May we find peace one day, and healing. for me, perhaps it will have to wait until that Other side of life.

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