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Comment by Connie K on September 30, 2014 at 11:04am

Dear Bern

I am so sorry for your painful memories. The anger pops up and there is nothing you can do to the ones who killed our children. For your grand daughter's sake, don't let that anger hurt YOU! If I dwell on the person who caused the accident that killed my son, the anger takes over and there's not a damn thing I can do about it so I had to try to forgive. Not for him but for me and those that I love. Know that you are not alone during this difficult time <3

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 30, 2014 at 4:59am

Been here less often in the past 3 weeks. Connie, This is the home my son and me were for the past 10 years and it holds memories and lot of fun times with Shreyas. My parents too are next door so it was really nice. Since i came here alone before Craig did I thought i would be ok alone but it has been really horribly painful. I came and fell ill with some cold n fever viral and that took its own sweet time. Not a single night after I had been here could I sleep and it wouldnt be untill the wee hours of the morning that I can. Many of my friends feel that Oh All is ok now since I got married but how can one relationship negate the mother son bond? and they even say why think about that now?as if my son being not here means oh fine he has gone so you dont think about it!!! we just need to not allow these comments to make us feel bitter as no one will understand.

Seeing Craig on the 28th late evening( my son's birthday) I felt a huge sense of relief and love for the man I married as he has tried hard to support all of the me which is nowadays so often without any enthusiasm or eagerness for the morrow. That whole day i was so out of sorts and had gone to the temple where I got some measure of peace as Shreyas and me would go there together and many times I had seen him stare at the idol with so much focus that I used to wonder what is he thinking about. In the car on the way to pick up Craig I kept fighting back tears and my throat was hurting with the effort. Later after seeing my husband and talking to him its been better.

Connie I also dread the time when I will have to sell this home because soon my parents are relocating to Puttaparthi and Craig and me will take another place in the nearby hillstation where it is cooler and more quiet as Craig likes it. In crowded cities it gets noisy but I get a sense of comfort from the crowds and people. Craig says we will work out a middle way where we both are confortable as back in Groton its a quiet wooded area very lovely but not many people but I am slowly making friends and I find the people very helpful and caring.

Dolly, Teresa, Bern, Kim, Chelle, Michelle, Julie V,Lynn and all others here, my heartis with you all, it hurts reading about the enormous heartache we go through, and I am there for each and everyone of you anytime however I can be of help

Comment by Bern on September 29, 2014 at 11:00pm

My son was shot and killed 9/30/12. My only son. He was 20 years old. He left behind a 3 year daughter, mother and father. I am just angry.

Comment by Connie K on September 29, 2014 at 4:21pm

My sister told me that she missed how I used to be so enthusiastic about everything. I told her I will never be the same. I know that is a loss for her as well. I get it but it doesn't make it an less hurtful. It's not like you can flip a switch and be your old self. I need her to listen and be there regardless if it brings her down but that's just the way it is now I guess...

Chelle - since my son was only 17 when he passed of course he still lived here. He was born and raised in this house. For the last 20 months there is no way I could ever think of leaving here and now I do think about it. We never intended to be here forever - now what do we do? I think with time, we will know. It is difficult to have constant memories everywhere you go. But the thought of selling the house to someone else is just something I can't imagine right now. And I often have to go by the accident site. I manage the pain better now but still become overwhelmed with disbelief and horror that this has happened and that this is my life and that I will never hold my sweet boy in my arms again. How can this be? And how can people not see that our grief will never end? Because our love for our children never will. Hugs to everyone!

Comment by kim on September 29, 2014 at 3:39pm

chell, there will never be a fresh start. when we lose our only child, nothing feels real any more.  I have lost what I thought were close friends over the last few months. I am different now, im empty, and I don't care about any thing any more. I just want to be with my son  shawn.  a friend told me, I was bringing her down a few weeks after shawn went away. it hurt at first but now  I just stopped careing.  it hurts so bad. please take care love and hugs  kim

Comment by Connie K on September 27, 2014 at 3:51pm

Well said Teresa D. All so true and how I feel.

And yes!! a happy birthday to Jessica <3.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 27, 2014 at 12:58pm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!

I admit it I was one of those people who said all the wrong things to a friend when she lost her son.  I thought I was encouraging her. It wasn't until I lost my Michael when I quickly realized how wrong my words were.  As soon as she called I apologized to her and told her how I just didn't get it. Of course she forgave me.

They mean well, they want to see us smile again.  And like me then, they just don't get it.  While their words are painful to us we hope they never have to get it. 

This is a long hard journey for all of us.  No of us know where the road leads or when it ends but we have to keep walking down it with those damn shoes that are bleeding from the ton of concrete on our backs.

I sit here 2 years in and while I want to be able to offer words of wisdom I have none. I wish I could tell you I no longer cry or miss Michael but I can't. I can only tell you that every day I get a little bit better at managing it.  To me that means seeing a son and mother in the store or a restaurant and not breaking down at that very moment.

I still don't know who the new me is and I still can't get anyone to see the old me is gone.  They want me to be the positive, happy, strong person they seen me as while I sit here feeling like the saddest most broken person ever.

I miss my "snuggle time" with Michael. He was a grown man yet he allowed me to get my snuggle time.  And even though he was a grown man that rested his arm on my head he allowed me to wrestle him and win. All I have our my memories that I will forever cherish and just like now I will repeat them forever. 

Dolly, Bo does need you.  Brandon got that huge smile from your love. 

Comment by Julie V on September 27, 2014 at 9:52am

Thank you all for the birthday wishes for Jessica, I miss her so much.  I read your comment Zell, and omgee the same thing happened to me last night! "You have to let it go" they say, "get on with your life" they say, "I have lost brother sister etc.. and I put it behind me" they say. I say IT IS MY CHILD! How can I stop ever thinking about my child? Tell me to stop breathing instead....it might be easier! They say I am being self-destructive...I am just trying to cope. I have lost 2 children and 1 step-daughter in past 1 1/2 years....I need as long as it takes to get me to come back to the land of the living.

Comment by Lynn Williams on September 26, 2014 at 4:56pm

Happy birthday Jesse and Julie may you have some peaceful moments today with memories of your beautiful daughter. Hugs Lynn 

Comment by Connie K on September 26, 2014 at 12:29pm

I second that Michelle! Jesse looks like such a sweet soul.

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