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Comment by Teresa D. on October 20, 2014 at 2:38pm

Connie I totally get where you are. I think the reality is even harder to face once we finally start to face it.  I also feel jealousy as I watch his cousins and friends move on.

Just like you dolly I always feel as though I don't have any words of wisdom. 

One of the things I truly appreciated from others in the beginning was the "truth".  Other parents that lost a child weren't the ones telling me it would get better instead they said you'll learn to manage the pain.   

Instead of telling me Michael wouldn't want me to cry they let me know I would be crying for a long time.

They didn't say go enjoy life instead they said you have to fight to survive.

It was the honesty I appreciated.

Now like you Connie I am moving towards the reality. Those around me think after 2 years I should be healing but no, wrong.  I don't think I'll ever heal instead I will learn to manage it.  That's not to say I don't cry everyday or that I don't fall a part when no one is looking.   

I know for me every time someone new enters the room I go right back to the first moment, the first week, the first month and now the first year and I think of what is ahead of them.  I wish I could take a magic wand and send them back but I can't.  All I can do is listen, cry with them and let them know some day they will also learn to manage it.

Comment by Connie K on October 20, 2014 at 12:45pm

I feel like I am falling apart. I had an amazing communication from my son and I know he is okay and wants me to be. That should make me feel better I know but I still feel like he should be with us. I am trying to be strong, to stay focused on doing things that matter to me in this world. But I feel like someone is pulling me under the water by the feet. I can't believe that our hearts can take so much hurt without bursting. I miss my son SO much I can hardly function right now. I don't wan to do anything or talk to anyone.  Why can't I accept it? After almost 2 years, I am starting to feel panicky. I have gained so much weight, that is not helping. I am beginning to feel jealousy for those carrying on with their lives with their children and grandchildren. My niece just had a a baby this week and another niece is due in Dec and another is due in March. I am so happy for them but a little jealous of my siblings who get to have grandchildren and experience the blessing of new life. I know I need to change my perspective but to me there is a big blank empty void as I look at the rest of my life. Just having a really really hard week. Thank you all for being here. I am praying for us all.

Comment by Michelle H on October 20, 2014 at 9:36am

Was on vacation last week, so unable to get or receive communications. Thinking of each and every one of you with compassion and prayers for some peace from the unbelievable grief. I marvel at everyone's strength and ability to be supportive of one another. This is a group of amazing people and I am humbled to be a part of you.

Comment by Dolly on October 20, 2014 at 8:48am

I know Teresa.. but I wondered if maybe she was dreading a loss of her own that might be imminent.. I think she has a grandchild with health issues... but not sure.. but I didn't ask her because I just had no comfort I could offer if that was the case... I feel like I took Brandon too much for granted.. didn't treasure him enough... wasn't careful enough.. didn't guard against the enemy enough.. was stupid and selfish and now I lost him... but I pray one day I'll be forgiven and can be with him again...

Comment by Teresa D. on October 20, 2014 at 6:06am

Lynn that was Kyra calling you.

Dolly that was a stupid question to ask anyone about any loss.  Some people are just plain ignorant.

Comment by Dolly on October 19, 2014 at 11:26am

LR when the dancing tree dances I wonder if there are not angels swirling around it making it dip and wave and twist and twirl.. and I wonder if Brandon is not with them.. and my granddaughters Isabella and Lulu who both left the world TOO soon... and all my other loved ones who are in heaven... what a sight that would be.. wish I had eyes to see it....

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 19, 2014 at 11:22am

I am so sorry for not having reached out more often. Dolly, that comment or question would have really puzzled me. I mean really!!!! 

Brice and Brianna's mom... I really don't have words just can feel with you. I lost my only son who was 27 and the light and love of my life and I can well understand you all so so well, just wish the reality of having our children with us had continued. Love to all from Mumbai. 

Comment by Lynn Williams on October 19, 2014 at 10:28am

Adrianna I understand what you mean about running from reality. I have been having some hard days,but also some beautiful ones. My other daughter Genna who is 24 just moved back home with us in Vermont from Montana with her dog Ruby. My husband refurbished a one room cabin with a kitchen on the property for her to live in. Next spring she will begin farming it. I am so happy she is home, but it points out one of us is physically missing. I still cry most nights when I talk to Kyra,and pray for all our children who are still with us in spirit, but the loss is great. I am having great difficulty falling asleep again does anyone have any homeopathic remedies I might try. Today I am taking part in a Crop walk to end world Hunger, maybe thinking of others will lift me a little today. I have gotten three phone calls on my home phone the past 2 weeks which caller Id says is me calling, and gives my home number. When I answer no one is there. I am hoping its another sign of Kyra telling me she is okay. Peace to everyone here; we all must carry on even on the impossible days. Love Lynn williams

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 18, 2014 at 12:58am

Haven't been on for awhile because I'm too busy running from my reality. Working so many hours. A few more diagnosis regarding my health. I'm afraid if I stop I will have a break down. I don't know how to manage this emotional pain. I think of all of you. My heart grieves for us all. Two days ago a high school senior in our small mountain town was hit by a truck hauling a trailer. She was on her way home from band practice. Her mom was just a little ahead of her. It took 30 minutes to get her out of her vehicle. She died. I want to know why. Why did all our children die? Why us god? Why us?

Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 17, 2014 at 8:18pm

Dolly, I saw the post on the sparkling tree a day after my own experience that was so similar. I was doing dishes and looked out the window at a tree at the edge of our yard...it literally sparkled with golden lights...I could not help but think if trees in heaven are a little like that...

Brice and Brianna's mom, I am so sorry for this tragic, horrible lose...I have had two but not so close together...Hugs...

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