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Comment by kim on November 7, 2014 at 6:37am

Teresa, I feel the same way, we know 3 people older then my son, that just had heart attacks and they lived,  I feel they are a lot older then shawn, why do they get a second chance and my baby did not. it breaks my heart but that's the way I feel. its not fare, its just not.

Comment by Teresa D. on November 7, 2014 at 6:19am

Laurie, thank you for that reading. 

On the news was the girl abducted in Philadelphia.  that's the city I come from and the neighborhood she was abducted from was the neighborhood I grew up in.  when the story first hit I sat and cried for the parents.  Then I spent the next few days praying they would be able to find their daughter alive and not live this hell. 

Good news she was found and she is alive.  First I felt a strong feeling of relief for that family and then I felt mad.  Under my breathe I said "lucky you" and walked away from the TV, went in my room and cried.

Why did they get their daughter back and I can't have my Michael back?  Now I feel guilty for having such thoughts.

Comment by Connie K on November 6, 2014 at 4:27pm

So true. That's why I feel sick to my stomach all the time

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 6, 2014 at 3:06pm

Anyway, it doesn't matter how much, how often, or how closely you keep an eye on things because you can't control it. Sometimes things and people just go. Just like that. -Cecelia Ahern

 So true isn't it? 

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 6, 2014 at 2:57pm

Dick,

I think you have put into words what we are hesitant to say...only one thing would make us better and  we all know that will not happen :(

I used to keep telling God that 'you have made a horrible mistake, but that's s ok , u can 'undo' it, this was immediately after . 

But Dick, I think you did get it right, see the amount of love you have between you shows how right you got it, so please do not go down that path where you feel you have to 'redo' everything. The love you shared did not just happen, it happened because you did the best you know how. And for our lapses and mistakes we are only human ... hugsss to all here .

ammy, there are many times I feel I jsut don't want to talk to anyone. People say oh you are back from India and what a wonderful time you must have had. I say yes , I did but cannot add that when at home in India I felt my son so much with me due to the familiarity of home and yes I have made big changes in my life and go along with its flow but my heart is breaking , my heart was snatched away in a second.. no amount of being in close touch everyday, no amount of taking care could stop that moment from happening. Now I am scared that I will lose everything at any time and so often push my husband away telling him that I am really scared of losing you too. I fear that for the rest of my life i will just be sitting , staring at the wall and muttering to myself.. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm sliding back a 1000 steps...my god , i feel crazy.

Comment by Dick on November 6, 2014 at 2:17pm

Is this bargaining? I keep praying to take me back to 1972 for a complete do over. I think God can do anything, I pray for this opportunity to get it right this time. I'm probably crazy.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 6, 2014 at 2:01pm

I lost part of my post below...this passage was taken from a new book I purchased. It is the 10 anniversary ed. of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book on grief.

 

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 6, 2014 at 1:58pm

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:

....After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone. Why go on at all? Morning comes, but you don’t care. A voice in your head says it is time to get out of bed, but you have no desire to do so. You may not even have a reason. Life feels pointless. To get out of bed may as well be climbing a mountain. You feel heavy, and being upright takes something from you that you just don’t have to give. If you find a way to get through your daily activities, each of them seems as empty and pointless as the last one. Why eat? Or why stop eating? You  don’t care enough to care. If you could care about what was going on, it might scare you, so you   don’t want to care about anything. Others around you see this lethargy and want to get you out of your “depression.” Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether the situation   you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. When we are grieving, people may wonder about us, and we may wonder about ourselves. The heavy, dark feelings of depression that come with grief, however normal, are often seen in our society as something to be treated. Of course clinical depression, untreated, can lead to a worsening of one’s mental state. But in grief, depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervous system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way. If you have the awareness to recognize you are in depression or have been told by multiple friends you are depressed, your first response may be to resist and look for a way out. Seeking a way out of depression feels like going into a hurricane and sailing around the inside perimeter, fearful that there is no exit door. As tough as it is, depression can be dealt with in a paradoxical way. See it as a visitor, perhaps an unwelcome one, but one who is visiting whether you like it or not. Make a place for your guest. Invite your depression to pull up a chair with you in front of the fire, and sit with it, without looking for a way to escape. Allow the sadness and emptiness to cleanse you and help you explore your loss in its entirety. When you allow yourself to experience depression, it will leave as soon as it has served its purpose in your loss. As you grow stronger, it may return from time to time, but that is how grief works.

Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth; Kessler, David (2005-07-19). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (pp. 20-22). Scribner. Kindle Edition.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 6, 2014 at 1:52pm

Ammy, it seems like there are always those extremely difficult days and times. My daughter goes to a grief group she has found at a local church and it was good since I am struggling with my own unstable emotions. It has helped and she has also started with a counselor that I had seen earlier on. Perhaps this may some help for your daughters to search for the help they may need instead of their focus on you...I have had plenty "stay in my room" days myself...

For me the bigger issue is with my husband..we just cannot -- and should not --  grief together since it is like two drowning people...he also tends to release his negativity towards me and I just cannot take it and it has angered me towards him in return...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts today...hugs...

Comment by Dick on November 6, 2014 at 1:52pm

Ammy,

Group counseling may help you. I have tried and all it does is remind me of what I have lost. I am just a lost as anyone else here, only one thing would make me/us better. And we all know that will not happen.

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