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Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 21, 2014 at 2:36pm

Oh Tracy, thank you for that, 9 months? wow, would you mind terribly if I ask - was it heroin? This aspect of it all just is ripping me apart inside, I would guess Randy was clean for maybe 6 months before doing it again, but I don't know. Yes as the mom we do punish ourselves and I can't stand to see everybody around me just going on with their lives, and I know I can't be so bitter but I feel like I have been stressed out and miserable for years and all that was nothing compared to this.  And I just torture myself with bad thoughts.  I will go to a grief counselor, just not sure how to get over today.  My daughter and I are going to go to lunch so I am going to pull myself together and hey, thanks for the hugs...right back at you...

Comment by Tracy Huston on November 21, 2014 at 2:03pm

Sandy, I know it's hard hon, but eventually you're going to have to try and forgive yourself.. there's most likely nothing to forgive but if you feel there is, you need to. My son was in treatment for almost 9 months. came back and seemed to be doing great. going to meetings every day and appeared to be clean and happy.. I thought I had my son back. I was SO very happy.. until I found him overdosed.. such a shock. 7 months later when we got the tox screen back it showed part of the drug in his system was phentyl. I use the patches. i even bought a safe to keep them and my other meds in before he came home but I forgot to empty the trashcan in the bathroom with the empty patches. they say there's not enough in there to get anything but I don't know if he collected enough to make something out of it or if he found it somewhere else.. but I punished myself for months and finally I realized that even if it was my fault... I could hear my son Jim just saying MOM, please, don't do that to yourself. I'm at peace now. It's ok.   I can't go back. It's done. He's gone. And I know he wouldn't want me to ruin my life bc I can't let go. And no, it's not totally gone - but for the most part I have released myself from it just bc nothing good can come out of it. Us moms have it so hard. we take credit for our kids successes and we blame ourselves for their mistakes and failures.. or deaths. We're only human. We love them with all our hearts and we do the best we can. We're not perfect. It's not our fault. ((((hugs))))

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 21, 2014 at 12:51pm

This year my boyfriend and I moved in together, I'd been commuting to AZ for the last 8 years. This should be our happy time and I am just SO angry, I don't know how to deal with the anger.  I've invited Randy's dad to Thanksgiving and that makes me mad too, but I can't let the man be alone, our 20 year old daughter will be with us.  Randy lived with his dad and his dad found him.  I know he is in great pain as well.  My bf is so supportive and so wonderful and this is all so hard on him also. The range of emotions is just making me sick...how to deal with all that?

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 21, 2014 at 12:42pm

Oh Dolly and Lynn, that is truly something to be thankful for - your hubbies in remission. Thanks for your support, I'm having such a hard time today. The last two years Randy spent Thanksgiving with his best friend in Mammoth and now all I hear on the radio is ads for Mammoth.  It's like you want to crawl in a hole and never look at anything that can remind you and not think either.  I cant stop torturing myself with "what if" and then I think maybe I'm doing ok and I remember he's not here and it is the most awful deep pain that makes you want to just run away, but there is nowhere to run to.

Comment by Lynn Williams on November 21, 2014 at 10:02am

Sandy, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my daughter, Kyra 15 months ago. Please know we are all here for you. Dolly I am so happy for your family that your husband is in remission. My husband is also in remission from prostate cancer.  Getting through Thanksgiving will be such a tough one. I am going to my nephew's engagement party tomorrow night. Thank god my husband and daughter will make the three hour trip with me. Love to all here.

Comment by Dolly on November 21, 2014 at 8:55am

we got some wonderful news yesterday.. my husband, after two years of grueling treatment, is now officially in remission... now I DO have something to feel joy and hope about... but it will never take away the pain of losing Brandon... I guess I have to stop always clouding over the good things with pain of his loss... I really WANT to be able to do that..

Comment by Linda on November 21, 2014 at 8:00am

Sandy, your words ring so true to me. Oh, the pain.

Love and prayers to all the unfortunates on this site.

Comment by Teresa D. on November 20, 2014 at 4:25pm

Connie thank you for sharing that. 

Sandy, my heart is with you.  We know how hard the first few moments, days, months and even years are. All I can say right now is my heart is with you and we are all here for you.

Dolly, how true...I never knew what it was like to want something so bad either.

Also thank you for the support that everyone is giving me right now.  It means a lot to me. 

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 20, 2014 at 3:55pm

Thank you Connie, sadly I don't live with his room, we had sold our house in April to try and get away from the drugs on the street.  He went with his dad. I have mixed emotions about the room, it would break my heart to be with the room he grew up in, but not having his stuff with me also breaks my heart.  I like the 5 candles, thank you.

Comment by Connie K on November 20, 2014 at 3:52pm

The dad said that the poem helps others understand that our grief never ends and opens the door for them to talk about our child and remember them with us. Instead of dancing around the awkward silence that fills the air when people just aren't sure what to say. I think it also acknowledges that our love never dies and that they are always with us

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