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Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 24, 2014 at 12:44pm

I've been back to work for a week and a half but I haven't stayed all day. It's so hard 'cus I have his baby pics and whole life around me in pics but for sure I can't take them down. Oh I can't imagine how hard it was for you to make that decision, it makes my heart hurt so much.  Yea saw corn dogs at the store yesterday and started crying.  I'll be doing ok for a few minutes and then I imagine not seeing his precious face and the pain wants to swallow me up.  I am seeing a therapist for the second time tomorrow, I don't know if it will help but I guess it sure can't hurt.  My bf feels so helpless 'cus he doesn't know what to do for me, he cannot even understand the extent of this pain.. The only thing that makes me feel better sometimes is knowing that he was so tortured and in so much pain and he isn't now...but what about me? And again the friggin WHY, why was he so unhappy...ugggggg!!

hugs

Comment by Tracy Huston on November 24, 2014 at 7:30am

Sandy - rereading your post I've reLized that I did the same thing. All the little things that I kept track of. The day he went into the hospital, the specific dates and places, etc.. That I kept up with- they do fade with some time. You don't forget but over time I started to keep track of less - I still keep track of the 17th. That's when we unplugged him.. Now it seems like you never will but you will. Then you even feel guilty of doing that - but don't. It's a part of healing. You will learn to function again. You haven't had much time. I just sat and watched tv and cried... Listened to music, went thru his stuff... didn't work or do anything for 7 weeks afterwards. I needed that time. Take what time you can to just grieve. Don't feel guilty now. You need to take care of yourself. It does get better. A little at a time. Mine was when I could picture Jim telling me to get up and live. To love the family that's here. It's hard as hell but I slowly did it for him. I knew he was finally at peace now. Something he didn't have here.

Comment by Tracy Huston on November 23, 2014 at 9:48pm

Sandy i did go see a counselor for a little while. It did help some. Helped me with the feelings of guilt I had. If I only.. I should have... Etc.. It helped me see that if it was someone else I would be telling them of course it wasn't their fault.. How could they know? It hasn't totally gone away but it did help with a large part of it.
And I still have good days and bad. I am trying to find that 'new normal' that they talk about. Bc I know the old normal is gone forever. And I have days I feel like I'm swimming upstream in a river of mud and it's hard to put one foot in front of the other.. But I do have days when I feel semi-normal. Then I hear a song or see something that reminds me of him and I just want to leave the full grocery cart in the middle of the aisle and run home and cry. Such a lonely feeling. Even if others are grieving around you you're still alone. It's just so wrong. So unnatural.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 23, 2014 at 7:17pm

My thoughts are with you Michelle, it must be so hard...I am so dreading the Holidays...peace and hugs.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 23, 2014 at 7:11pm

Oh Tracy, I so want to stay in the dark corner and cry, I cannot stand the pain, its 4 weeks tomorrow, I hate the Sundays, I hate the Mondays when we found out.  I asked my ex on that Sunday if he was using and he said - I don't think so....I hate him so much right now, I cannot get over this blame, how the hell could he not watch and not know? Yea the Public face, I love that, yes I pretend and people are like wow - you are so strong - ha what a joke, I am dying inside, I cant stand to be here without him, I hadn't seen him for a few weeks, and I Miss him so much it hurts so bad.  Oh I'm so happy you have your granddaughter, that's amazing. That would be nice to have her, but I'm sure it's hard also...today is awful, yesterday is awful, I want to crawl in a hole and I find myself pushing my bf away cus I just want to be alone with my pain.  I'm torturing myself with the "what were you thinking? The pain is so bad, nobody seems to understand, I don't want to be around anybody, they seem so stupid asking if Im ok...how the hell can I be ok? Thanks Tracy, it helps to talk to you...

Comment by Lynn Williams on November 23, 2014 at 2:12pm

Michelle thinking of you today,

Comment by Teresa D. on November 23, 2014 at 8:51am

Michelle, you are in my heart and prayers. 

Comment by Jane P on November 23, 2014 at 5:54am

Thinking of Michelle.
Thinking of everyone.

Comment by Teresa D. on November 22, 2014 at 5:28pm

Dolly that is excellent news!

Comment by kim on November 22, 2014 at 5:57am

michelle, ill be thinking of you and wishing you the very best, please take care  hugs  kim

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