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Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 4, 2014 at 1:43pm

OH Dolly...just like for me it is Monday but it starts on Sunday.. I hate Mondays now more then anything.  I see the joy in Randys pics when he was younger and I torture myself wondering how he was so unhappy as a teenager and thing surely it must have been my fault somehow... big hugs to you today.

Comment by Dolly on December 4, 2014 at 1:41pm

thanks for saying that Connie and Teresa and Sandy...  I'm having a terrible hard day today and I'm glad you can see the joy in that smile that I miss with all my heart...and today is a Thursday... I just remembered that... after all this time and even when I don't realize what day it is... Thursdays can totally destroy me all over again.... Thursday took my son from me... and it still attacks me before I even realize it IS a Thursday... how can that be??

Comment by Connie K on December 4, 2014 at 12:33pm

Dolly - love seeing Brandon's bright light up the room smile! Thanks for sharing.

Teresa - how did the tournament go or when will it be?

Love to all

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 4, 2014 at 11:07am

Connie, thank you so much for your wonderful ideas.  I read what you wrote last night and just cried, but it was good.  I love your ideas and I will for sure do some of this, just for me.  As Michelle suggested I put his stocking where I don't directly see it but where I can find it. I love the idea of the letters and the candle on Christmas, thank you... hugs to all, my new friends I have made on here are helping me more then anything. I so dread waking up every day and crying but I find strength in hearing from all of you...x0x0

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 4, 2014 at 11:03am

Oh Dolly, those are so precious!!! What a beautiful smile.  I can't get out the school things and the pictures from other Christmastimes this year.  Maybe next year.

Comment by Dolly on December 4, 2014 at 8:38am

this is such a DEEP sadness... it fills you right up inside and spills out... or sometimes it doesn't spill out but just pushes and expands inside until I think I'll explode from the pressure and the pain... hot and cold... shaking... but worst of all that LONGING that NEVER stops....God how I miss you my sweet son....

Comment by Teresa D. on December 4, 2014 at 7:13am

I've been so stressed, overwhelmed and depressed.  I open this site and the first thing I see is Brandon's big bright smile.  Thanks Dolly I needed to smile. 

I realize now, It's not so much I'm not participating in Christmas, it's just I'm not participating the way I use to and it's starting to take a new shape. I haven't had a tree or decorations since Michael left but I'm now (as overwhelming as it is) doing the tournament.  I also find myself donating a little more.  I don't know what shape it will take but this is all I know to do to make it through.

Comment by Dolly on December 3, 2014 at 11:16pm

I put them in tree picture frames from Walmarts... I want to look online for more different frames for this years pictures... if it was just me I would cover the tree with them....

Comment by Dolly on December 3, 2014 at 11:14pm

I'm making lots more picture ornaments this year for the tree too... here's the ones I made last year...

Comment by Dolly on December 3, 2014 at 11:05pm

I buy flowers for Brandon all the time, and at thanksgiving I put a little gingerbread lady on his little table... I put up on the tree every school ornament with his picture on it, or made from his hand print or anything he helped make [he really couldn't do anything like hold a crayon or anything by himself, but his aides in school held his hand and helped him so they still mean alot].. and I talk to him and play music to him.. not every day but almost every day and sometimes most of the day if I'm feeling really sad ... I know we have to think of others who are missing our loved ones who have left us, but we also have the right to reach out to our 'lost' loved ones in ways that help us still feel connected somehow.. it is a balancing act I guess, but some days I just do whatever I want to do no matter what ANYONE else thinks or feels... maybe its selfish, but those days I don't care...

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