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Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 5, 2014 at 10:20am

uggg another day to try and get through..first off, Marie everything you said makes so much sense, I appreciate it so much.  You are right, they are not drug abusers in their souls and what you said about your ex is right on with me, you are right, he is in as much pain as I am and he loved him just as much.  I know he is suffering with his own guilt from all this.  I think those that can escape the hold that heroin has are very strong people and I don't think many can.  Thank you I agree with everything you said.  Yesterday and today are killing me I am so so down and sad.  I'm trying to be better but it all seems so hopeless.

Oh Dolly, thank you for telling us about your daughter.  You have had such a hard time.  Yes we tried a lot of things also and I keep saying if we just did rehab one more time but in my heart I don't think it would have worked.  He went to psychologists, nothing helped and yes you are also right if they want the drugs, they will get the drugs. I am trying so hard to get rid of the guilt and you should also...easier said then done, right, but today let's not feel guilty.  I want to hide and cry all day but I'm at work, going to try to make it through another day...hugs and thanks so much to all of you for being there for me. x0

Comment by Dolly on December 5, 2014 at 8:52am

I have heard that prison is the easiest place to find and get drugs so even that type of 'locking them up' doesn't work.... I have no answer for any of this... it just breaks my heart to see you suffering guilt on top of your intense overwhelming grief.. YOU didn't give him the drugs and YOU deserve to live a life other than being his constant watchdog... how could you do that anyway? I hope you can let go of the guilt... I understand IT too though because I always beat myself up over all the 'if onlys' and the 'what ifs' with Brandon's death.. If only I had seen something was really wrong and taken him to the hospital... if only I had gotten him up when I first started to.. but he was so sleepy... if only if only... I do feel so guilty too....

Comment by Dolly on December 5, 2014 at 8:47am

I have a daughter who periodically crashes and burns so to speak.. she started doing it in her teenaged years and is still doing it in her mid twenties... so I have some idea the anguish you must feel over your son's overdose.. and I DO know your anguish over losing him for ANY reason... we tried everything with our daughter.. all types of therapeutic intervention we could find.. she just keeps falling apart after awhile .. I don't know WHY some people have such a streak of self destruction in their makeup... and the poor parents left behind after an overdose always suffer so much guilt... but short of locking them up what can we DO?? They can always find the drugs if they really want them... they often can be penniless and homeless and STILL go after DRUGS before anything else... its just so sad and so impossible to stop... hugs to you

Comment by Marie on December 4, 2014 at 8:19pm

Sandy, I know their drug abusers wasn't who they were in their souls. My mom was mentally ill and depression runs in our family. I know Taylor used because he had so much sadness and anxiety..he just didn't know how to cope. I used to get so mad at my ex too because I wanted him to support me in the tough love. I just can't be mad now because I know he loved him too and we both thought our way was the right way. I thought if we both refused to let Taylor live with us he would stop, but the reality is that he probably would have had died in the streets instead of at home. He had been clean for over a month and had started back at school when he relapsed. The sad truth is that most people don't recover once they use herion. It is such a terrible drug. Hugs!

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 4, 2014 at 4:43pm

What lovely pictures of Brandon . Reading everything and feel for us all. This 23rd marks the 3rd year of my son's passing. How alone it feels . We will be going for a Vedanta retreat from 24th to 31st to Saylorsburg in Pennysylvania. I was wishing I am out on 23rd as last year i reached rock bottom and the pressure inside keeps building. My husband did say if you want we can go a day earlier and just stay in the hotel, but i said No, as maybe that will be even more painful. I suppose whatever I do and wherever I go, 

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 4, 2014 at 4:22pm

Randy stole from us for years, his dad and I were split up but we shared our house (that we sold in April) when I was there, he was gone and when I was in AZ with my BF he stayed at the house.  I feel guilty that I shouldn't have done that that maybe I caused his problems, but one of my friends said lots of people get divorced and that is true and also I have a 20 year old daughter and she is fine and happy, so I don't know.  His dad's motorcycle disappeared out of our yard, bikes were stolen, my ipod disappeared, so many things and always the lies and you loved him so much you WANTED to believe him.  You couldn't imagine that your son would steal from you all the time.  I always forgave him too.  When he was so angry and mean he would blame us that it was our fault that we weren't strict enough, I was constantly on him about drugs and constantly searching his room and still he lied.  After October of last year, he just acted crazy quite a few times and I still don't know what drugs he was doing at that point.  The tox screen in the hospital last January showed coke, heroin, zanax and weed.  Unfriggin believable and he just kept saying to us "I am NOT a drug addict".  He was ashamed, he didn't want to be but he couldn't stop.  He was so smart and so good looking, great personality before all that hell started.  Nothing can take away the sadness, it's so deep inside of us, you feel like it will just swallow you up.  I begged his dad during all this time to help, to do something to help me but I was the tough one and then he says - I guess I should have been more strict.  What a joke, I know we cannot say "what if" because nothing can be changed at this point but it's very very hard not to.  I'm reading a good book - it's called - I wasn't ready to say Goodbye - and it says when you start having those bad thoughts you should slap yourself (true) to make you think of something else and I am trying it very hard 'cus I like to think these bad, negative thoughts that really only hurt me.

Comment by Marie on December 4, 2014 at 4:14pm

Oh Sandy, I feel like you, I just feel so terrible that my love for him did not seem to be enough to take care of all his personal anguish. Taylor started smoking pot and drinking at a young age, but when he started using herion he started stealing from me all the time and just acting crazy when he was high. I would kick him out and he would go live with his dad for awhile. I loved him so much, I always forgave him and believed that he would one day be able to overcome it. I too feel guilty, I hated myself (and still do some days) my counselor told me to keep repeating the things that I did right as a mom and the things I did for him...that is helping with the guilt...but it doesn't take away the sadness..

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 4, 2014 at 3:58pm

Hi Marie, I didn't see the message yesterday, I'm sorry.. yes you are right before it was all frustrating and scary and heartbreaking but nothing compared to this.  I don't know how long he'd been doing the heroin.  I found the needle last January.  Something was going on with him a few months prior to that, crazy angry behavior and I would ask him over and over and he just lied to me. But all the trouble probably started a few years prior with weed, tickets for possession, selling, then it turned into Zanax and I don't even know what else.  I could never figure it out and he never would tell me.  It was all so stressful, I was always scared for the phone to ring, and that's the way it was the Monday 5 weeks ago.  5:30 in the morning - the phone call that changed our lives.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 4, 2014 at 3:45pm

Oh Marie, I so feel the same way.  It doesn't seem like it can possibly be real.  I don't know how we are either, it just hurts so much and we miss them so much words can't even describe.

Comment by Marie on December 4, 2014 at 3:35pm

Saturday will be three months since my son died. It just still doesn't seem that it can really be happening. I feel like I am being crushed sometimes. I feel for all the moms on here, I just don't how we are able to endure.

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