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Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 7, 2014 at 10:57am

Hi Connie, I've been thinking about you since yesterday, I don't know why I can't comment back on my phone.  Thanks for the hugs Marie, I saw that last night, I also am drawn to the group and want to write you all and see what you are saying. That all sounds so awful, I am so sorry and then to lose him in a car accident, that certainly was not your fault.  You were being the best mom taking care of him, I agree about the doctors, what a joke, I think anybody would have a problem with that drug.  I see you live somewhat close to me, too bad Marie isn't in CA too and we could have our own little group. I am going to try and be better today, Sundays are hard, last time I talked to my baby 6 weeks ago and he said he wasn't using... I've been commuting to AZ for 8 years and this is the first year my bf and I are together in CA. He came here for me and this is suppose to be our happy year, haha, but today we will get a Christmas tree and it'll be our first real holidays with me not commuting, so I'm going to be so thankful that I have him with me today and not cry all day, of course it's 8:50 in the morning and I say that now. He has been through so much stress and drama these last few years with me, I don't know why he hasn't left but I am sure glad he's here.  Hugs and strength to all of us today x0

Comment by Marie on December 7, 2014 at 1:27am

And hugs to you too Sandy!

Comment by Marie on December 7, 2014 at 1:23am

Hi Connie, I know that feeling of "only what if" I do wish we could we could take each other's pain away. I am finding myself so drawn to this group and finding relief to talk to to other moms that understand. Hugs to you!

Comment by Connie K on December 6, 2014 at 10:52am

Hugs to you today Marie. I understand your feelings Marie and Sandy. Altho my son didn't pass from drug use. He was killed in a car accident. But he struggled with dependency on oxycotin because he was given it for chronic pain from Crohn's disease. The illness added a another layer of confusion as to how best help him. We went through a couple of years of shear horror in the grips of that drug and his pain. As I read what you went through I can so relate. I became frightened of what he might do at times, he began buying extra and taking way too much before we knew what was happening. And I feel I should have been more assertive in getting him help but yet he really did need pain control. We finally did find the right doctor and he was recovering so well when the accident happened. So ironic and heartbreaking. But it was like walking a tight rope through it all. I have the same guilt that if I had sent him away for treatment and not let him stay at home he wouldn't have been here to get in that car. I should have seen what it was doing to him sooner. It was my job to protect him. Some days the guilt just makes me hate myself so much. I try to believe it was not my fault that he died but I guess deep down I'm still not convinced. How I hated what that drug did to him and so did he. I am amazed at the medical community as well, at how easily they prescribe these killer drugs, synthetic heroin if you will.

I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through.

Love and prayers to everyone here

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 6, 2014 at 9:47am

Marie, thinking of you this morning...

Comment by Marie on December 5, 2014 at 6:20pm

I know.. I am telling you what my counselor tells me, but it doesn't ease the pain. It is good to talk with you. Hugs back!

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 5, 2014 at 4:46pm

Hi Marie...yes that is good, I know I did a lot and tried so many ways to help him, ultimately I guess they had to help themselves but that doesn't ease our pain at all.  Yes thinking about it all and letting the pain in is really awful, but I guess that sometimes we have to do it and then wipe our face and move on till the next time.  Thanks very much for all the support, one of my friends took me to lunch and that was good.  Trying to be better now then yesterday...hugs x0

Comment by Marie on December 5, 2014 at 3:22pm

Thanks Dolly and Sandy. It is soo hard to feel guilt, but I have been trying to think of all the things I did for him. It sounds like we have all tried to help our kids with their addictions. It is such a hopeless feeling. I hope your day goes better Sandy. Today I feel like I am learning how to block it out for a couple hours at a time while working...tomorrow will be three months.. I am affaird to let myself even think about because the pain is more intense!

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 5, 2014 at 10:20am

uggg another day to try and get through..first off, Marie everything you said makes so much sense, I appreciate it so much.  You are right, they are not drug abusers in their souls and what you said about your ex is right on with me, you are right, he is in as much pain as I am and he loved him just as much.  I know he is suffering with his own guilt from all this.  I think those that can escape the hold that heroin has are very strong people and I don't think many can.  Thank you I agree with everything you said.  Yesterday and today are killing me I am so so down and sad.  I'm trying to be better but it all seems so hopeless.

Oh Dolly, thank you for telling us about your daughter.  You have had such a hard time.  Yes we tried a lot of things also and I keep saying if we just did rehab one more time but in my heart I don't think it would have worked.  He went to psychologists, nothing helped and yes you are also right if they want the drugs, they will get the drugs. I am trying so hard to get rid of the guilt and you should also...easier said then done, right, but today let's not feel guilty.  I want to hide and cry all day but I'm at work, going to try to make it through another day...hugs and thanks so much to all of you for being there for me. x0

Comment by Dolly on December 5, 2014 at 8:52am

I have heard that prison is the easiest place to find and get drugs so even that type of 'locking them up' doesn't work.... I have no answer for any of this... it just breaks my heart to see you suffering guilt on top of your intense overwhelming grief.. YOU didn't give him the drugs and YOU deserve to live a life other than being his constant watchdog... how could you do that anyway? I hope you can let go of the guilt... I understand IT too though because I always beat myself up over all the 'if onlys' and the 'what ifs' with Brandon's death.. If only I had seen something was really wrong and taken him to the hospital... if only I had gotten him up when I first started to.. but he was so sleepy... if only if only... I do feel so guilty too....

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