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Comment by Jill E on February 15, 2017 at 8:44am

Dolly I so understand. No body even says Josh's name...and this country...I don't understand any of it at all...nothing makes sense...

Comment by Dolly on February 15, 2017 at 7:18am

Nobody ever mentions Brandon.. I have lost myself.. nothing works anymore.. this country has lost its mind.. the world is falling apart.. maybe it will all end in a big bang.. I don't care.

Comment by Dick on February 14, 2017 at 8:40pm

Yeah, it's been 6 years. I never has gotten easier.

Comment by Jill E on February 14, 2017 at 6:43pm

Sandy I agree with you about moving. I lost Josh in December 2015 we moved to Arizona March of 2015, two years. The move was good for me in most respects. I dont know how I could go on living there with all the memories, it would be way more than I can handle but those memories good and bad are still right here no matter where you live with me day and night. We had no real family left in Sacramento so it made sense to move here to be closer to our son Derek. Pain, hurt, memories, pain, hurt, it is so very hard...the hardest absolutely, completely worse thing I could ever imagine. Take me back to February of 2014 I had no idea the horrendous turn my life would take. Take me back there so I can say things, do things, change things...

Comment by Lynn Williams on February 14, 2017 at 5:16pm

It's valentines Day and another year without our loved ones. Sending love and prayers to Michael on his birthday, Teresa. Love to everyone here think of everyone often.lynn

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 14, 2017 at 3:49pm

Hi everybody, I haven't been on here for a while, but you all are always in my thoughts.  I do agree that it does seem harder as more time goes by.  Teresa, there is nothing harder then the birthdays, I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss today. 

I moved to AZ in May and I will say it is better to be away from where Randy was with all the memories.  I came back here to Long Beach to work 6 weeks ago and I have 6 more weeks, I cry in my car every day for my sweet boy.  The memories here just are too much, I can't stand it.  I'm back to asking why, why him, why would he do that drug, why my baby.  My daughter just had a baby boy and while he is so wonderful and precious it hurts to see the baby boy and know that my baby boy is gone.  It hurts so much.  You all are always on my mind.  Much love..

Comment by Teresa D. on February 14, 2017 at 9:42am

Our sons and daughters will NEVER stop loving us no more than we will ever stop loving them.  THANK YOU JILL!

Comment by Jill E on February 14, 2017 at 8:07am

My new profile picture is of my 2 grand-dogs. On the left is my Joshie's puppy Ghia he rescued in Sacramento an few years ago. On the right is my son Derek's puppy Raider he rescued this last summer in San Antonio. Quite a resemblance. Josh loved his 3 rescued puppies. I hope they are ok. I have no idea. Just had to share. Hugs

Comment by Jill E on February 14, 2017 at 7:55am

This room is quiet lately. Which I guess is a good thing...the pain will always be there but are we coping better?...I am not in fact I am doing much worse...and of course there is nothing worse than to come here and see that our number of members has grown.

Teresa thank you again for sharing with us. Your words are words we all relate to. Birthdays, holidays magnify the pain...it is so hard to think that for the rest of my life I will never ever be truly happy.
Today I needed to "hear" you Teresa. You have given me so much comfort since I lost my Josh. I have been lonely like I am the only one. You all know how it feels. I have come here when it is quiet and reread things to give me a bit of kinship.

Happy Bithday Michael! Your Mom loves you so very much! She misses you just like you miss her. Michael take care of her.

I love you all so much.

I miss you Joshie. It isn't getting easier my sweetheart. I hear your voice in my head and your arms giving me your famous hugs. Joshie I love you WYWH

Comment by Teresa D. on February 14, 2017 at 7:31am

When I first entered this room it was so active.  I came here daily for the emotional support and understanding that only other parents could understand.  I think of all of you daily. 

Today is Michael's birthday, he would be 34.  I went from Michael telling me "Your number one, you were always number one and you will always be number one!" to being handed a marble box a few days later.  No warning, no good bye, no nothing just that dam box.

Valentine's day was so perfect for him. While he looked like a big tough guy he had a heart of gold and would help anyone who needed it. 

He would tell me how silly I was for writing "love Santa" on his Christmas gifts yet once he left I found out he would buy gifts for kids and write "love Santa" on them and never tell the kids it was actually him who bought the gift.  So this year for Christmas I sponsored a family in his name.  I know he would have loved it!

Now today as hard as I'm trying I just can't keep the tears at bay.  So many are telling me he wouldn't want me to cry without realizing I need some type of way of releasing the pain.  How do you get over losing your child?  A question no one can answer.

Of course I think would he be married, would he have started having those kids he wanted, etc. How do I not think about what could have been.  Then that horrible moment comes when I tell myself I'm wasting time and energy because it will never be.

I don't get why no one else understand how much of a loss that was.  I not only lost my son I lost my dreams for my son.  Nothing we talked about in that last conversation matters now.

Some days I'm okay and some days like today I feel like I can't breath and my body is just going to shut down.  I try so hard cause I still have a daughter that needs me.  I try to hide my grief simply because I don't want her to feel less loved. 

Ok I'm rambling and I don't care cause I just don't know what to do with this or how to make the misery stop.  I want to be in a happier place but why is it so hard to get there? 

Michael mommy will never stop loving you!!!!!!!!!

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