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Comment by Marie on December 25, 2014 at 9:12am

Dolly I am sorry everything is going so badly. The last three years-- when Taylor started using--have felt totally out of control. I was doing really financially, then I lost my job.. Just one thing after another keeps happening. Yesterday I was down to seven dollars in the bank, but my sister gave me a little money for taking care if my dad. So I guess I hVe it a lot better than other people. I am substitute teaching and looking for full time work. Every week it's another job rejection. It is just hard to take what life throws at us when we are in so much pain already! Hang in there! Hugs!

Comment by Marie on December 25, 2014 at 8:56am

I made it through Christmas Eve which is the day we always celebrated. My oldest son hung out with me In the morning and I went to my nieces in the afternoon until dinner at my daughter's. I cried a lot but everyone just let me. I found doing "rituals" gave me some comfort. My son and I visted my mom's grave in the morning. During dinner we had a candle on the table for my lost son Taylor. Then we took roses to the grotto by our church and lit candles and said Hail Marys and Our Fathers for Taylor. We came home and opened presents and all shared some of our favorite memories of Taylor and toasted him several times. By this point I had stopped crying, but my ex, Taylor's dad cried the whole time. I was glad he was able to cry with us. It did help to make Taylor a big part of Christmas and to honor him. I am thinking of you all today and praying for us all. I pray God brings us people and memories of comfort and love.

Comment by Tracy Huston on December 25, 2014 at 6:58am

Thinking of you all today- hoping you can find a little bit (or a lot) of comfort and joy and feel our loved ones near. I'd like to think my jimmyboy is surrounded by angels and singing joy to the world to the Most High today, watching his family gather and joining in the activities and love for him shared. Strength and comfort be with you all my friends, today and forevermore

Comment by kim on December 25, 2014 at 6:48am

today I just sit here in the dark, wishing I could hear shawns voice, remembering how happy we use to be. now just many many tears, wishing the day was over. telling my self its just another day nothing more nothing less. my heart is so empty so dark. I was so much to hear my son, to see his face, and to touch him one more time. its going to be a long day and many tears. I want to go back to bed with the blinds down, I want today to go away. and more than any thing I want and need my son back.  I hope everyone can get through this day to.  hugs  kim

Comment by Linda on December 24, 2014 at 4:11pm

oh my God how I never anticipated this eve of Christmas to effect me so bad!!! I was so sure I had myself under control but I feel so lost so broken. Oh I miss my boo so bad. so very very bad. it's been 9 months now but the "firsts" are almost impossible for me. I've so lost who I am.

Thank you so much Connie for your kind words. Oh how I hate being on this post for the our dead children. I don't want to be a part of this blog! But, I am so grateful to have this space to be able to share my pain with others who fully understand this horrible most vile position we're in!

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 24, 2014 at 1:38pm

Oh Dolly, jeez I am so very sorry about all this stuff going on with you.. It's all too much to cope with, I pray for all of us to have strength to make it through these difficult times.  I'm going through the motions of Christmas and feel so empty and sad.  I don't know how to be on Christmas morning without my Randy, today and yesterday are so damn hard.  I don't want to do any of it but I will.

Connie, that is CRAZY about the lady at the accident.  I hope you get some answers but that must open up all that pain even more.

Nobody ever needs to apologize or say sorry for how they feel.  This is the best thing about our group here, we can all just talk and vent and receive comfort from each other.  I'm very thankful to have all of you during this awful point in our lives where we have been thrown into.   I hope we all can find a moment of peace as well.

Hugs and love to everybody. 

Comment by Connie K on December 24, 2014 at 11:17am

Sending everyone love and prayers throughout this holiday season and extra hugs!!

Linda I understand how you feel. When you lose an only child, you lose your future as well in a way. Everything seems so empty and futile. I was Daniels caretaker so I had been a stay at home mom  except for my singing gigs so now I am home alone trying to work through the very empty house and go all his stuff until I go back to work next year. I can't help be envious of my siblings, whose children are having babies and they are loving being grandparents. Of course I am happy for all of them but my future seems bleak and my husband feels there won't be anyone who cares about us when we're old. Our greatest fear now is to lose one another and be left completely alone. These are things that are unique to our grief as parents who have lost an only child and it is what it is. You never have to feel guilty about expressing your feelings here. There's always someone who knows how you feel and understands. It really sucks.

Last night at a Christmas party, a friend pulled me aside and said "we have to talk." Through a weird series of coincidences she had meet a woman and was telling her about a FB post I had made of my son doing a "glove light show" to a very haunting song called "Never Cry Again" by Dash Berlin. It's expresses just how I feel and the video is touching and affected her deeply. My friend was telling her new aquaintence about the song and how it had affected her and told her of my son's accident. It turns out, the lady was there at the accident!! She was one of the people who stopped immediately. I have never had the names of the people who stopped and have never gotten to talk to them. Of course, we need to. There are conflicting stories. Boy, I sure didn't expect that at the party! I was blindsided. I literally gasped when she told me. Ever since I am in a state of trying to "relive " the accident again in all the details as I would imagine it. As hard as it is, perhaps now we can get some questions answered but i feel like I've been gutted. Going back to the memories of him hitting that wall and no one being able to help. He was pinned inside... but I think he died instantly....the other two boys were fine. I have worked hard to not dwell on that scene, now it won't leave my mind. Oh God help me please.

Comment by Teresa D. on December 24, 2014 at 10:22am

I hope everyone is able to find a moment of peace.

Comment by Teresa D. on December 24, 2014 at 10:20am

Linda don't feel wrong for the emotions you are going through.  I am one that still has a daughter yet like you I feel jealous over those with grandchildren.  So it's understandable.

Comment by Teresa D. on December 24, 2014 at 10:19am

BRITT SHARED THIS AND SO I'M JUST PASSING IT ALONG.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

DECIDE WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE COMFORTABLY AND LET FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOW. Can I handlle the responsibility of the family , etc. or shall I ask someone else to do it? Do I want to talk about my loved one or not? Shall I stay here for the holidays or go to a completely different environment? MAKE SOME CHANGES IF THEY FEEL COMFORTABLE FOR YOU. Open presents instead of . Vary the timing of Channukah gift giving. Have dinner at a different time or place. Let the children take over decorating the house, the tree, baking and food preparation, etc. RE-EXAMINE YOUR PRIORITIES: GREETING CARDS, HOLIDAY BAKING, DECORATING, PUTTING UP A TREE, FAMILY DINNER, ETC. Do I really enjoy doing this? Is this a task that can be shared? CONSIDER DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Donate a gift in the memory of your loved one. Donate money you would have spent on your loved one as a gift to charity. Adopt a needy family for the holidays. Invite a guest (foreign student, senior citizen) to share festivities. RECOGNIZE YOUR LOVED ONE'S PRESENCE IN THE FAMILY. Burn a special candle to quietly include your loved one. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. to music especially liked by the . Look at photographs. IF YOU DECIDE TO DO HOLIDAY SHOPPING, MAKE A LIST AHEAD OF TIME AND KEEP IT HANDY FOR A GOOD DAY, OR SHOP THROUGH A CATALOGUE. OBSERVE THE HOLIDAYS IN WAYS WHICH ARE COMFORTABLE FOR YOU. There is no right or wrong way of handling holidays. Once you've decided how to observe the time, let others know. TRY TO GET ENOUGH REST -- HOLIDAYS CAN BE EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY DRAINING. ALLOW YOURSELF TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss. It is natural to feel sadness. Share concerns, apprehensions, feelings with a friend. The need for support is often greater during holidays. KEEP IN MIND THAT THE EXPERIENCE OF MANY BEREAVED PERSONS IS THAT THEY DO COME TO ENJOY HOLIDAYS AGAIN. THERE WILL BE OTHER HOLIDAY SEASONS TO CELEBRATE. DON'T BE AFRAID TO HAVE FUN. Laughter and joy are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.

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