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Comment by Marie on December 30, 2014 at 10:50pm

Connie, thank you for sharing how you get through. My son loved roses, so I may do some kind of planting this spring with family and friends. I love the rock painting idea. It is good to hear from people farther along in this journey. It is so painful right now, and I am feeling so lost. Your courage gives me hope.

Hugs and love to you all!

Comment by Teresa D. on December 30, 2014 at 5:04pm

So nicely said Connie. I bet that annoying clock is now your favorite thing in the house. 

Comment by Connie K on December 30, 2014 at 1:39pm

Ross we all understand that feeling that we were supposed to be there to protect our kids. I am so sorry for your loss.

Comment by Connie K on December 30, 2014 at 1:36pm

Also Marie I think it is wonderful that you write when you can and especially that you write letters to your son. That's beautiful and I know he feels your love when you do that. This site provides that for us also, in the convos and you can blog publicly or keep it private. So even when you don't feel like thinking you can write down feelings and release a bi more each day.

Comment by Connie K on December 30, 2014 at 1:30pm

I ahd to post in two because it's too long!!!! sorry...

I am now in the process of creating a  blanket from is tee shirts. Others on this site gave me the idea and have links to where they got their child's quilt or blanket made. Teresa organized a soccer tournament for the last 2 years in honor of her son. THAT takes energy and I am inspired by her! But whatever LITTLE thing you can do that you know your child would appreciate will help you channel your grief. I think if you put the question out to the universe, your answer will come. For instance Daniel had this peace sign, tie dyed wall clock he got at a yard sale. Wasn't my favorite thing and it ticked loudly. His girlfriend accidentally broke it and it sat in a box till a couple of months ago. I was going to get rid of it but a little voice told me "no try to fix it." I decided to take it to a clock repair place and lo and behold they could fix it and put a new glass on it and it is now proudly back on his wall ticking away. I just know he loved that and it gives me a little smile when I see it. I believe there are certain things that be experienced through dimensions. Sound and light. We have religiously lit a candle every night since Dec.1, 2012 and will til the day I die. I buy him beautiful bells and out them in his room. When I open the curtains, one that is hanging there, chimes. I used to wake him up in the morning that way. And still I say "good morning sweetie". I do whatever I can to have a relationship with him in his "new form" and try to be guided by his amazing and strong spirit. I miss my son so deeply, some days I still wonder if i can make it through till we are together again - just like everyone here. We just have to make that effort still, for our children to be proud of us and live a life we would have waned them to live. I know it is so hard it is to think of doing almost anything right now and that's okay. Do what you need for as long as you need. But when you are ready, doing things in their memory does keep you connected in a very real way. I'm sure others here have ideas for you as well.Sorry to run on, just remembering the things we have done over these past 2 years. I know there's no way to have a "happy" new year but I wish you all some peace and am sending prayers and love to everyone here that we have the strength to get through the year without our beloved children.

Comment by Connie K on December 30, 2014 at 1:29pm

Marie  your pain is so fresh you just do whatever you need to.  Some of my sons friends out a small wooden cross on top ofa peak on a horse trail they used to hike. All unbe knwomst to me. They all wrote messages on it and also put up one of his old skaye boards up there. So I hike up there. I find that just moving  helps me. I am fortunate to lie in CA where I can do this on most days. Walking hiking basically to out of myself, and mu bubble and appreciating the wonder of nature. Basically getting physically tired helps release some of the anxiety and stress that comes with it. My neighbors all came together with me to plant a tree in my son's name down at his old elementary school which is in our neighborhood so I tend to that. When we planted it, I had a small event and one neighbor plays bagpipes s he did that during the tree planting I played Daniels favorite music on a boom box and everyone put in a shovel of dirt. All the kids were there also and we all painted river rocks with messages to place around the tree. Some of the more special ones I brought home and incorporated into my own garden. On the first year of his passing his core group of friends came to my house and we wrote messages on slime green paper (his fave color) and released them. That was great because the teens don't really know how to express themselves and it gave them a chance without having to say it out loud. Then on his birthday, my husband got a tattoo that matched Daniel's "OHM" tattoo. I still have to get mine and may this year on his birthday. This 2nd birthday he would have been 19 and he was a drummer and musician so I decide to hire someone to lead a jembe drum circle lesson and we drummed outside and it was magical. Everyone could feel Daniel with us. The leader left an empty chair and when it would be his turn, there were the 4 counts of silence and right in rhythm the circle continued. It had been 15 moths and i remember saying afterwards "That was fun," and that was the first time I actually felt like I had experienced fun since he left. And I felt my son did as well. I believe his spirit rejoiced in that experience of all those he loved doing something he loved.

Comment by Marie on December 30, 2014 at 9:39am

Connie, your words are so comforting. What do you do to channel your grief? It has been almost four months, and I still cry everyday. The pain is still so crushing at times--I actually scream to try to get it out. I read a book that suggested journaling everyday and writing haikus. I am not disciplined to write everyday, but I do write letters to my son. I wrote a haiku yesterday. It was kind of a release. This summer was writing haikus because NPR had some sort of challenge to write environmental haikus. We started writing it together one night as we were driving. It did make me feel close to him. I do want to be able to do something positive in his memory to honor him and channel my grief. I just haven't been able to get it together yet. Just getting through each day seems overwhelming. Hugs to everyone.

Comment by Connie K on December 29, 2014 at 5:41pm

Marie - I think we have all felt like this. And I still do but not all the time. A betrayal...to keep on living when they can't....to laugh...to feel good about anything...to be ok... seems unfair. We are forever changed and will never be the same and never be okay with it. But you will survive. As we go through this, the grief does keep us connected to our children so we don't want to feel better - I hate getting farther and farther away from the last time I saw my son. I make great effort everyday to remember anything and everything. But that takes it's toll and little by little your mind lets go some of that immediate crushing pain that those of you are experiencing who just lost your child. What seems to help some  people is to channel this pain into something positive in their memory (like a garden or educational funds, doing charity walks or creating events their friends can participate in) In time you will find better ways to manage the grief. And don't be afraid - you will never lose those memories - mine get stronger. And one day (after a long while) - I heard someone laugh and I was shocked because it was me. I felt my son's presence even more then. And when I play music...which also took some time to do again. I see signs from him all the time and that is what keeps me going. Hugs to you all.

Comment by Ross Hotard on December 29, 2014 at 10:24am

No more laughter, singing or hugs, dying, my hearts washed in misery. Songs of yesterday now live underground. When will this pain end. Christmas was miserable. Looking at all her presents sitting in her room only brings back memories. I can't take this anymore. I only want to be with her. I'm suppose to be holding her if she's scared.

Comment by kim on December 29, 2014 at 9:07am

yes marie, I do, I know in my heart ill never be ok, loseing my only child my wonderful son has killed me in side.  nothing will ever be ok again, theres nothing to smile for or laygh again, just pain like I never felt before.  hugs to everyone   kim

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