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Comment by Connie K on January 13, 2015 at 4:51pm

Vasanthi, Happy Birthday. I understand how you feel so well. Those who have not had this experience really can't even  begin to get it. All we want for our birthday is to be with our children, even if it through memories and others embracing the joy they brought to this world. I want to say, Please don't forget them or not talk about them because any tears you may see are there already. We need to express our sorrow in missing them, especially on special days. I know Shreyas is with you and so are all of us. <3 <3

Dolly, I get it. It is amazing how little can cause me to be soooo weary. And too weary too even speak because sometimes words just don't express what we feel.

Jacki - I sent a message on your page. I am so so sorry for all your have been through and your loss.

Love and prayers to everyone

Comment by Jesse's Mom on January 13, 2015 at 3:52pm

Vasanthi, also the picture of your son was very nice....how we miss them...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on January 13, 2015 at 3:47pm

Jacki, I am sorry for the loss of your son...and I think you have found a wonderful group of parents here...

Dolly, I found myself in much of what you wrote. I too have withdrawn from many activities and it is exhausting just to do the chores of life I have to do...

Vasanthi, it is so difficult and adds more grief to have other people think they should pretend your child never existed...

Teresa, thanks for sharing the words from your friend and how she survived her grief.

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 13, 2015 at 3:32pm

Dolly am glad to hear from you.I was worried . I do so understand what you all say. Today is my birthday and the only one who mentioned my son in a message was Michelle from our group here. Others simply pretend or don't say anything about him. It is as though he was never ever there and that hurts most of all. Not that I want them to keep talking about my son when they talk to me but even when I called my mother she said everything nice and loving but we didn't talk about my son. I know she means well and did not want me to feel hurt , its not about my mother or anyone else, just felt that the only one who said have a great day, your son is with you was from this wonderful group here.

Teresa , your friend is so right, time will pass, the present will force itself and force us to move with it, yet the haunting hurt of losing the tangible presence of our very own sweet sweet children will remain deep inside.

Dolly like you said its just not right, it almost is illegal for something like this to happen and Jackie how sweet your son is, he is cradled in God's arms safe and sound.

My dearest friends, which is all here , there are times I am positive that for those who 'go' all is well and it has to be, so for us who are here till our time is served, I wish you all the love i have and all the peace which only God can give.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 13, 2015 at 10:00am

Jacki it is so hard to see someone new come into the room.  I want you to know my heart is with you. The bond you must have shared with him.

I had a long conversation with a friend of mine that lost her son 18 years ago when he was 17. I was her friend and stood beside her not understanding the level of her grief. I was one of those people telling her how her son wouldn't want her to cry, never understanding the wrong in my words.  I have since apologized to her over and over.

According to her we will learn to wear this.  She says the intensity will lower in time but we will never stop feeling the loss.

She says we will master the "fake face" and we will learn to manage it, but there will be days when it will hit us like a ton of bricks.  In time those days just won't be as often as they are now.

She also says this is our new normal and we'll never be who we were.  But...she also says one day we'll see just how strong we are just because we survive this.  She says in time we will find new ways to have holidays and acknowledge their birthday.  She says it may not be what others want it to be but it will be what we need it to be. 

I only share this because I myself appreciate the harsh reality. It helps me feel "normal" and stops me from setting myself up for disappointments. There's nothing wrong with me that I can't return to my old self.. There's nothing wrong with me.....I'm just grieving.

 

I look forward to the "in time" day.

Dolly I totally get your feeling of "exhaustion". 

Comment by Marie on January 13, 2015 at 9:56am

Jacki, I am so sorry for your loss. There isn't anything to say that will help, but this site has helped me keep my sanity.

Dolly, I think I know the terrified feeling you are feeling. I am terrified to let go, and I am terrified with the realization that terrible things really do happen to me. How long has it been for you? I lost Taylor four and a half months ago, and the pain just get more intense and crushing!

Hugs to everyone

Comment by kim on January 13, 2015 at 9:53am

JACKI, im so very sorry for your loss.  I to have lost my son, my only child. in this room you will find these people are more like family then friends. you know the pain you are in,  hugs and love to you     kim

Comment by Dolly on January 13, 2015 at 9:36am

JACKI in the years prior to Brandon's death we spent time with him in the hospital several times .... at least one of those times we thought he would die from the horrible infection he had caught in the hospital the LAST time before he had been in... he went in first for shunt revision and came home with a horrible bed sore that was infected with some awful thing that it ate right down to his bone and never went away totally after three years of trying to heal it... I know what its like to walk those hospital halls feeling helpless and alone and full of worry and dread... my heart goes out to you... nobody should have to lose their darling four year old.... its just wrong.... its just not the way its supposed to be.... my head and my heart scream out THIS IS NOT RIGHT.. THIS IS WRONG... and yet we are still here and have to go on... please lean on us all you need to ... we will never judge you or tell you to 'get over it' or anything like that ... we have all bared our souls in here and we will only love you....

Comment by Dolly on January 13, 2015 at 9:29am

VISANTHI that picture of your son is so beautiful... it almost looks like Heaven...

I have been coming in almost daily and reading, but have felt paralyzed about writing... I guess its just I don't know what to say anymore... yesterday we had to go have our eyes checked and were at the eye doctors for two hours or more and then ran some errands ending up with the grocery store... as the day wore on I felt more and more tense, and less and less like I was really THERE and part of what I was DOING... I bought Brandon some flowers at the grocery store... something I've been doing for awhile now... this time yellow lillies and pink tulips... and as always it both comforts me AND tears me apart to pick them out.... by the time we got home at 5PM I was completely exhausted... I shouldn't have been exhausted from what I did.. I mean physically it wasn't enough to exhaust me.. yet still EMOTIONALLY I can't seem to rebound from this horrible loss... its like I can't talk about it anymore to anyone who hasn't gone through the same sort of crushing helpless agony of losing a child.... they act like its all in the past now and I should be fine by now... but even though I TRY to be fine... I'm NOT fine.... I ache for my son...every day... every night.... it does NOT go away... I'm still having so much trouble getting anything done... I don't want to go anywhere at ALL... every slight change in plans throws me for a loop... I'm afraid of the future... because his dying was such a SHOCK.. and I don't know when the next shock is coming and what it might BE... and I don't WANT any more of this... EVER... but I know it will come.... so I'm afraid and anxious.... sorry I'm not uplifting.... some of you have faced things that are so mind boggling to me... had to deal with things that must have torn you apart ... I constantly have 'WHY' in my head.... I DO care about you all and what you are going through... I just have nothing much I can say anymore....

Comment by Lynn Williams on January 12, 2015 at 1:30pm

Jacki I am so sorry for the loss of your young son. He looks so adorable in the picture you posted. I lost my daughter Kyra in a car accident 15 months ago. We are here for you. Nothing could be harder than losing our child. Hugs Lynn

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