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Comment by Dolly on January 16, 2015 at 4:04pm

We had an awful shock last night... my daughter who has been disintegrating since Thanksgiving... in and out of psychiatric hospitals... called and said "This is Brandon calling" ... we told her that was NOT funny... and hung up on her.... she called back and said that she knew somebody had killed Brandon, and named a girl's name I didn't know.. well that TOO was so wrong... he was with US and nobody else when he died... her dad said don't you ever do this again.. if you do we will BLOCK your calls.... so far she hasn't called again... it just made me crumble up inside and brought forth all kinds of guilt and fear and despair to the forefront... I've had some disturbing dreams lately too.. about people mistreating Brandon and not letting me tell them NOT to... and crying because nobody seemed to CARE... I mean in the dream... they were people from his school.. but not real people I remembered.. just people supposed to be his aide or something but strangers... people DID mistreat Brandon in school... but that was YEARS ago... its been a rough week..

Comment by Dolly on January 16, 2015 at 3:58pm

Its been 20 months for me Marsha... and I too feel 'if only I had ..." but so many times we had thought we would lose him when he was sick and hospitalized... when we DID it was a shock ... not a TOTAL shock though.. I had that nudging little feeling that all was not well that day.. and the day before... but because Brandon couldn't TELL me why he was fussy [and he wasn't VERY fussy] I just let it go.. and.. I lost him... we think it was probably a blood clot too but they didn't insist on an autopsy and I just couldn't bear to have him go through that.. dumb I guess ... but I just couldn't... now I just buy flowers for his little corner... here is the latest bunch...

Comment by Connie K on January 16, 2015 at 1:17pm

Yes Marsha thanks for sharing. It's been 2 years for me. I call out for my son a lot. I think I always will

Comment by marsha on January 16, 2015 at 11:57am

Marie: When my daughter was 19 she moved away to do some nanny work. After her passing I kind of reverted back to those days when I missed her so much. I would think to myself, "I wish Care would get back here." Somehow it made it easier at the time to deal with it. Do whatever makes it easier for you, too. We all need time and I am still, at times, thinking if only she were here; especially for my grandchildren.

Comment by Linda on January 16, 2015 at 7:40am

Marsha, thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to so much that you've said about the guilt associated with their passing. I lost my beautiful Desiree' 10 months ago and was the mother of my 2 wonderful grandchildren ages 2 & 6 at the time. I often wonder if I could have done more for her instead of saying to myself "she's an adult and needs to know how to juggle her responsibilities".  My guilt is whether I should have done more to help with those life struggles.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 16, 2015 at 6:33am

For the first 2 years I tried to convince myself of everything but the truth.  Eventually we face the reality of our situation.

Marsha, thank you for sharing that. Knowing what is to come helps me prepare to face it.

Comment by Marie on January 15, 2015 at 6:43pm

It has been four and a half months for me. Everyday is so painful and hard. Today I told myself just not to believe it. It was actually a little easier to get through work...I just feel like I may go insane from the hurt! I just still can't wrap my head around it! I just don't want this to be true! I am so tired...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on January 15, 2015 at 5:26pm

Thanks Marsha for posting that. I am about 27 months out. I think there will always be those moments of being swallowed up by pain as you said. For me, there are still some very raw days and I still limit my time in public instead seeking a quieter life...it is all I can handle.

Comment by marsha on January 15, 2015 at 12:58pm

My daughter passed away suddenly early one Friday morning. She had had symptoms of the blood clot that killed her, but did not go the doctor in time to do anything about it. I will never forget the call from her neighbor, nor my grandchildren clinging to me their tears muffled in their throats. My 11 year old granddaughter found her & when she couldn't wake up her mother, she called the neighbor. It's been 5 years now. The pain was so great for the first year, I could hardly breath and every moment was filled with guilt. "What kind of mother am I not to have taken care of my daughter?" Reason told me she was an adult. She knew something was wrong. She did not heed my admonitions to go to the doctor. But a mother doesn't listen to reason. A mother only feels what's in her heart. With each year, the pain has lessened a little except for those times my guilt-ridden heart whispers to me; less often now. I see my grandchildren growing up without a mother and how much they miss her every day. I see them struggle to find comfort for their loss and my breaks breaks all over again for them. My grandson, the eldest child now 19, whenever he is angry or hurt, still visits his mother's grave trying to make a connection of sorts. My granddaughter, now 16, still calls out for her mother when life treats her unfairly. We are doing better then we were 5 years ago. You learn to exist with the pain beneath the surface where you are mindful of it, but where it is locked away until something occurs to open it up: a smell, a song, a flower she loved. Then your heart remembers the hurt again. And you are swallowed up with pain for a while. I hope everyone can find the comfort and relief from the pain in their own way. To those whose grief is new I say keep remembering and talking. The worst thing a person can do is lock the pain away & ignore it.

Comment by Jacki Splittorf on January 14, 2015 at 11:01am

It's amazing the things you remember.  Right now most of my memories are of the things I long to truly forget.  I know with time those bitter memories will be replaced with the happy and more joyous occasions, but for now the sadness is overwhelming and unescapable. 

Thank you all for your kindness and generosity.  I feel blessed to have found this amazing group of wonderful people. 

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