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Comment by Connie K on February 12, 2015 at 1:41pm

Teresa D - I will be thinking of you this weekend and sending you lots of healing light and love. I know it will be doubly tough on you as we get through yet another holiday. Michael loves you now and forever...

Cleaning out my shed today I found the last valentine my son gave me, a little stuffed bear that you get at the drugstore. For a teenager, it was really sweet of him to give it for me. I miss you my sweet angel, with more energy than all the suns in the universe....

Maureen thanks for sharing the poem. It is profound and i will share it with my friend whose son just lost his life to heroin. My dad also died of alcoholism and my son struggled with dependency on his prescription pain meds for Crohn's 2 years before he was killed in the car accident. It just breaks my heart that our children and loved ones fall victim to these incidious thieves. These substances really do take on a life of their own and take over.

Jill Evans - Like Jane, I too take the road of changing the subject quickly when folks ask how I am. It is always YOUR right to talk about it or not. If you feel the need to vent then do so if they ask. If not  I just say "Oh I'm okay. How r YOU? What have YOU been doing?" Just divert and skirt. If they don't know and you see them often (like your postman) you can tell him what happened and say I thought you should know. That way you won't have to deal with it over and over. When folks know, they either go away or stay and show compassion. It helps you find out just who is worthy of your trust and feelings and who might not be able to handle it and make you feel worse. Right now for you it is all so fresh. I'm sure for the first year I told everyone because I would burst out crying everywhere and just say I'm sorry, you see i just lost my only child and it is hard to deal with some days. I stopped feeling guilty about making people uncomfortable. That's life and sooner or later they must deal with the fact that none of us are promised tomorrow. Perhaps it even makes them more grateful for their own lives and the people they love. This is my reality and I'm not worried about those who want to pretend that death is not a part of life. But I get it...what we endure is every parents nightmare and no one wants to go there.

Thanks for being my virtual valentines! Hugs to everyone

Comment by Dolly on February 12, 2015 at 1:13pm

Zell have you lost a CHILD?

Comment by Jill E on February 11, 2015 at 4:50pm

Maureen, Jane P, Teresa D, Sandy Hendrix, and Zell, you words, your wisdom, your kindness and love. I don't know how to express my thankfulness for everything I have learned from you. Maybe "learned" is not quite the right word but what I have found on this website has helped me so much...there are others out there in as much pain as I. It is a horrible, horrible club to be a member of but at least we are not alone.
The poem is what I needed to read. I know for a fact he loved me so much but the alcohol did not let him go. Before they intubated he looked over to me and said "I love you Mommas" his wife was in the room on the other side of the bed so I don't know if she heard. Now as I look back though I worry that he didn't really say it to me. That it was all a figment of my imagination. I don't want it to be but he was going through withdrawals and had been kind of incoherent.
I pray to get some of the signs you talk about. I have had a couple of coincidences like I had been worried about where I had put away this envelope of pictures they had used for his Celebration of Life (I hate that term). I went to put away clothes in a drawer but instead of where I usually put them I pushed some clothes out of the way to put the clean ones in and there were the pictures. One other thing that happened is my husband took me to see Annie. Not normally a movie we would go to, anyway coming out of the movie the mother with her about 8 years old, she said "Joshie the trash is right over there". I had always called him Joshie. So I have been contemplating over and over this. How much of a coincidence was that? Josh isn't even a common name now...it was 33 years ago. I want those to be "signs" so bad...I want other signs. I so want to know he is with me all the time. Damn I miss him so much. I drove by the house he grew up in today. And by the way I am not offended by words, beliefs or anything else. On this site we should all be able to voice opinions, beliefs, thoughts and memories in anyway we need to. With all my love, thoughts, prayers and BIG HUGS. If I was with you I would hug each and everyone of you and never want to let go. As my Joshie and my other son Derek would say, "Peace".

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 11, 2015 at 12:07pm

Hey Maureen, I've seen that poem before and it is very very true and yes the reference to "hell" is what it does to them when they are living - they are in a living hell as it controls everything about them and takes everything away.  Thanks for sharing it, it makes us understand sadly what they were going through. x0

Comment by Teresa D. on February 11, 2015 at 11:56am

I'm more than 2 years into this and I still stumble with the answer to certain questions.  Just like everyone else I don't want to have to explain anything or answer their curiosity.  The only thing they need to know is we lost our children.  The how and why doesn't matter.

Comment by Jane P on February 11, 2015 at 11:33am

How are you?

This is how I handle it.

If it's just a walk by "How are you", I answer quickly, "Good" "You?"

If I can change subject before answering, I do. "Hey you look nice today" or something like that.

Lastly, "I'm okay, thank you." Again, I move the conversation to something else.

It took me a while to practice "my act" but now I'm better at it.

As Teresa has stated, "You will learn to manage it".

In your own time.

No one can understand our grief anyway.

Comment by Maureen on February 11, 2015 at 10:03am

Now I feel I need to add that the reference to "Hell" in the poem, to me is symbolic of the life an addict lives....not what happens after death. I'm not trying to offend anyone....only help.

Comment by Maureen on February 11, 2015 at 9:59am

Hi Jill and Zell. It's true, we can't possibly know all of our children's activities, especially when they don't live with us, but I think it's important to mention that even if you had known, you may not have been able to prevent his death. My son was 21 when he died of a drug overdose on Oct. 31, 2014. I knew he was addicted to drugs. I had known for years. I tried to help him for years. He tried to help himself. The disease was so powerful! He had been to rehab 3 times. He'd been to jail a few times as well. I think for me, I no longer feel I have to explain the addiction because I already did that for years. I remember the first time I had to pick him up from jail when he was a young teenager. I was horrified and whenever I would talk to anyone about it, I felt shame. I was ashamed of the horrible parent I must be to have a son that was arrested and addicted to drugs. As parents we feel responsible for our children....at any age. Alcohol is just another drug, only it's legal and socially acceptable, making it harder to see if there's a problem with it. I found this poem on Facebook. It's terrible, but true:

Hello, My name is DRUGS – I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that’s just the start.
I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
and if u need me, remember I’m easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. 
My power is awesome; try me you’ll see, but if you do, you may NEVER break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul.
When I possess you, you’ll steal, cheat, and lie. You do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms.
You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel bad.
But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised, I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate friends.
I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side.
You’ll give up everything… your family, your home… your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone.
I’ll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll ravish your body; I’ll control your mind. I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed, the voices you’ll hear from inside your head, 
the sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me, 
But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. 
You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. 
You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. 
You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I’ll be your master; you will be my slave, I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave. 
Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. 
I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, I’ll take you to HELL! 

 

Comment by Jill E on February 11, 2015 at 8:53am

Zell, thank you for your wonderful answer for those with probing questions. I do sometimes bring it on myself because sometimes when someone asks me "How are you?" I sometimes blurt it out that I lost my 33 year old son. I get so tired when the grocery clerk, mailman, etc. ask "How are you?" They have no idea about my son, they don't even know I have children but here it comes and I just say "Not good" and then I go on to tell them. I now have left myself open to the probing questions...I need to just say fine and go on, but I am not fine, I hate people asking! But they are being polite and it is customary. But I hate it!!!

Comment by Jill E on February 10, 2015 at 8:10pm

What do you say when someone asks you how did your son die? How can I say my 33-year old son died from alcoholism? And then I feel that I have to follow it up with "I didn't even know". I just don't know what to say...if I don't follow up with "I didn't know" I sound like a worthless mother that didn't even try to help her son. I have used "liver disease", "septic", "blood infection". I must sound like an idiot because they always want details and the diseases that I use I know nothing about. S**t I am so darn long winded I can't seem to shut up, I just ramble on and on and on...

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