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Comment by Jill E on February 12, 2015 at 4:23pm

Sandy-I keep telling myself he was hurting and now his pain is over. I say that over and over again. I did not "see" the pain. When I saw him I still saw the funny, happy, intelligent person that I knew. I wonder how long ago his addiction started. For him to have ruined his liver as badly as he did he had to have been drinking for years and years. Somewhere along the line it went from casual drinking to an addiction. When did that begin? If I had know then could I have changed things??? Joshie is free from the pain I assume he must have been in but I still wish with all my heart that he was here with me so I could help him with his pain.

Comment by Jill E on February 12, 2015 at 4:13pm

Oh Maureen you could not have said that so perfectly. I try to remember the hell my son was going through. I never knew until it was too late. But to think he was so addicted and now I know why he had turned down so many invitations, in the hospital and he was kind of talking goofy or off the wall they told me he was going through withdrawls. I never thought of withdrawls from alcohol. Here I am rambling again. I will wear my little thumbprint close to my heart and like you I know I will be sad sometimes when I see it or touch it but it will remind me also that heis not in that turmoil, turmoil of hiding his illness from me, I don't ever remember a time when he lied (I guess he just chose to omit things)to me but in that emergency room I heard at least part of the truth (I think both him and his wife were under exaggerating the amount he drank) I know he felt pain, sadness, embarrassment when I heard all the confessions. I keep remembering that if i had been able to help it was really out of my hands because no matter how hard I tried he may not have taken my help. I still have a very, very hard time releasing my daughter-in-law from all guilt.
I will love and treasure my baby's thumbprint and wear it proudly as Josh and my younger son Derek are the best things I have ever done in my life.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 12, 2015 at 3:57pm

Oh Jill, the story about "Joshie" is way cool, I know what you mean about the signs...we want these things to be sings and I think yours was... you are right Josh is not a very common name these days and I never heard anybody called Joshie.  I haven't really had any, except we have a sun room and for the last 3 months a hummingbird has flown inside 3 times.  We had lived there 6 months prior and the hummingbird never came in.  One time was after I was screaming at Randy in my backyard crying asking how he could leave me like this and how would I go on.  So I don't know, I don't know anything just that this pain hurts so friggin bad, we wonder if we'll ever just be "OK" again.  We all need each other on here and I thank you all for supporting me and being there so I can vent and talk and cry or whatever. I like that you know your son has found peace, I should feel that way about my Randy but I don't yet.  He was in so much pain, that hurts so much knowing that I couldn't help him and he couldn't ask us to help him, he just kept doing more drugs.

Oh Maureen, I'm glad you are having a good day.  I have better days when the sun is shining. Drugs hurt relationships, they change the person, I'm sorry you didn't see your son for a while, I didn't see Randy for a few weeks and we live in the same city.  I begged him to come over but he didn't, and I hate myself 'cus I had lunch plans with him 2 days prior and I cancelled cus I was short handed at work..I could have gone. I didn't even get to see him.  I'm so heartbroken. I wish I felt better cus he's not hurting any more but I am hurting and feel I always will be.

Hugs and love to everybody here.

Comment by Maureen on February 12, 2015 at 3:28pm

Hi Jill, I love the thought of being able to have a part of my son with me when I wear the pendant I have with my son's ashes in it. I think it all depends on your perception of what your pendant means to you. I won't deny that I sometimes feel sad when I see it, or touch it because I think about what I've lost. But I'm usually able to focus on its beauty....like him. Then I tell myself that he is at peace and he is with me.

Speaking of perceptions.....today is a good day for me. The sun is shining, and we have a lot of snow so it's sparkling. Today when I think about my son, I think good things....his crooked smile, how he was so goofy, and loyal and funny. I miss him terribly but I know he's finally at peace after struggling for so long. 

When he passed, it had been a while since I had seen him. He moved away without saying goodbye. Drugs has a way of hurting relationships. He moved closer to his dad. When I was in the city where he lives, he hid from me. He knew I was there, and saw me, but later told me on the phone that he didn't want me to see him, looking the way he did. Then when I viewed his body, he didn't look like my son. He was so skinny. It may sound weird, but seeing him that way really spoke to how hard his life was getting and how much he struggled. Now for him, the struggle is over. He's in heaven and at peace. For me....that is what gets me by. That is why I have good days....because I know his bad ones are over. Rest in Peace my sweet Angel Boy.

Comment by Jill E on February 12, 2015 at 2:05pm

I got a text from my daughter/in-law that she just picked up the thumb print pendants we got at the funeral home. I debated whether to get one because I thought it would make me sad, then I thought, no it means that I will always have a part of him with me. Now worried that it will trigger a big breakdown when I get it.

Comment by Dolly on February 12, 2015 at 2:04pm

this is an awful month... not only is the weather sucky... but then there's Valentine's day.... I am going to make a valentine and send it to Brandon this year... here in this room... I want to send a Valentine's Birthday cake to your son too TERESA if its OK with you.. its so painful all of this... not fair not fair not fair...

Comment by Jill E on February 12, 2015 at 2:01pm

I feel like you are all my angels, kind of looking out for each other in a way. I see my therapist and my psychiatrist but here is a different. I love both of my doctors but they themselves have not been what we have been through. So this is my support and I can take you everywhere I go and "talk" to someone or read something that reminds me I am not alone in this heart breaking situation. I love you my Joshie.

Comment by Connie K on February 12, 2015 at 1:53pm

Also I wanted to share my favorite line from "Selma". It rang so true to me and to this rocky road we walk.

"We build this path because we can. Stone by stone. "

That's how we will survive this journey until we are once again reunited with our babies. We must always keep walking towards the light, painful stone by painful stone. Together we can do it.

Comment by Connie K on February 12, 2015 at 1:41pm

Teresa D - I will be thinking of you this weekend and sending you lots of healing light and love. I know it will be doubly tough on you as we get through yet another holiday. Michael loves you now and forever...

Cleaning out my shed today I found the last valentine my son gave me, a little stuffed bear that you get at the drugstore. For a teenager, it was really sweet of him to give it for me. I miss you my sweet angel, with more energy than all the suns in the universe....

Maureen thanks for sharing the poem. It is profound and i will share it with my friend whose son just lost his life to heroin. My dad also died of alcoholism and my son struggled with dependency on his prescription pain meds for Crohn's 2 years before he was killed in the car accident. It just breaks my heart that our children and loved ones fall victim to these incidious thieves. These substances really do take on a life of their own and take over.

Jill Evans - Like Jane, I too take the road of changing the subject quickly when folks ask how I am. It is always YOUR right to talk about it or not. If you feel the need to vent then do so if they ask. If not  I just say "Oh I'm okay. How r YOU? What have YOU been doing?" Just divert and skirt. If they don't know and you see them often (like your postman) you can tell him what happened and say I thought you should know. That way you won't have to deal with it over and over. When folks know, they either go away or stay and show compassion. It helps you find out just who is worthy of your trust and feelings and who might not be able to handle it and make you feel worse. Right now for you it is all so fresh. I'm sure for the first year I told everyone because I would burst out crying everywhere and just say I'm sorry, you see i just lost my only child and it is hard to deal with some days. I stopped feeling guilty about making people uncomfortable. That's life and sooner or later they must deal with the fact that none of us are promised tomorrow. Perhaps it even makes them more grateful for their own lives and the people they love. This is my reality and I'm not worried about those who want to pretend that death is not a part of life. But I get it...what we endure is every parents nightmare and no one wants to go there.

Thanks for being my virtual valentines! Hugs to everyone

Comment by Dolly on February 12, 2015 at 1:13pm

Zell have you lost a CHILD?

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