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Comment by Vasanthi S on February 21, 2015 at 11:56am

Its so difficult dealing with the reality of death. Many times I find myself lulling myself into thinking that since I always 'feel' him with me, he isn't really gone...can't even say 'dead'. it hurts so much.

I am in India now and all the more feel close to my son in the home we have stayed in. I talk more to him here and feel more close. 

Dolly, I had sent you and some of my other close friends here a msg on this site so check your message and get back by message when you do. I always worry about you all and wonder how we will all cope . Here my home is getting sold and my parents next door will be moving to another place in southern India. I simply will not be able to live here without my son and my parents, so currently looking for a home to shift to, a new neighborhood, which will probably haunt me even more but at least it won't be this house with all close ones gone. You all take care... Michelle, Connie, Jill, Dolly, Teresa , Sandy, Maureen and all here ...xoxoxox

Comment by Jill E on February 21, 2015 at 11:39am

How could have he left me?

Comment by Connie K on February 19, 2015 at 11:06am

Jill I am so sorry . That dream must have been awful. It is hard work. Just so hard.

Comment by Jill E on February 19, 2015 at 10:55am

I had a horrible nightmare last night in the few hours I slept. I dreamt my youngest son was a little boy, he was sick and going to die. I could not help him. I woke up so frieghtened, helpless and full of anxiety just plain scared I was losing him too. I am so sick to my stomach this morning. Can barely move. Living everyday is hard work.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 19, 2015 at 10:45am

No reason to say sorry Connie, everything you say makes sense... I like the breaking plates idea! The cross on the mountain is very nice.  Nothing with change anything, we just have to find some peace somehow someday...x0

Comment by Connie K on February 18, 2015 at 7:51pm

I'm sorry "frustrating" is not the right word. I know it is much more than that...

Comment by Connie K on February 18, 2015 at 7:48pm

It must be very frustrating to have had your children under someone else's roof and influence who don't take the appropriate responsibility. You have a right to be angry at them for sure. If only the anger would change anything....all our kids would be home. My counselor always had great ideas to take out my anger. Buy cheap pillows and rip them apart. She also told me that once she bought a bunch of cheap plates and smashed them in the trash can one by one. (wear eye protection!!) Somehow try to release the anger. The first year I would hike to the top of the mountain where my son used to go with his friends. They have erected a sweet wooden cross that they all signed and put it there. I would scream my head off as loud as I could and curse the driver and the world and blamed myself for also being too lenient (I still do). We have to find a way to release it so it doesn't hurt us worse and hopefully little by little we can all begin to heal. Hugs to all of you. We are just human and I think we all did our best to be good moms.

It took me until my son died to forgive my dad for some of the horrible abuse we suffered from him. I just don't have to energy for it anymore and it only made me unsatisfied and bitter for so many years which did affect the way I acted towards my husband and son. I realize now that it was a huge waste of my time and energy. He never said he was sorry...

Comment by Jill E on February 18, 2015 at 7:20pm

My lack of sleep is even worse. For a while I would get 3 or 4 hours in a stretch. Now maybe 2 hours at a time if I am lucky. Have to hold it altogether for my youngest son. So hard

Comment by Jill E on February 18, 2015 at 7:18pm

I just can't blame my baby for what happened. I know I am suppose to but it is so hard. He had to have started drinking when he was very young but why? Where ? How? He lived at home until he was over 18, he was always a good worker and always had a good job. Had opportunities to go to college but he made such good money at his age he didn't want to go...when did his drinking start??? I don't know??? I should have known...

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 18, 2015 at 5:17pm

Maureen, you have to be honest, I have never said to my ex's face that I think he played a big role in this because I think he has his own guilt do deal with and he found Randy, which I wouldn't wish on anybody, but like I said, the way he just let him run around and do anything and never even check his room or make him accountable for anything was just beyond me. I still blame him and it's ok for us to say anything on here, we have to and we can be completely honest.  I should have been stronger and should have done more, but when I felt so helpless with NO help from the dad, I didn't know what to do, call the police and have Randy arrested? I don't know...I struggle with these thoughts all the time but nothing can be changed now and the only person these thoughts hurt is me.  I totally relate to what you are saying though... big hugs and I'm sure you'll be a good mom and a good grandmother...

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