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Comment by Lynn Williams on March 16, 2015 at 9:38pm

I am so sorry to hear about your loving pets. They truly are our children. One of our dogs has been on chemo therapy for a while, it's very costly but I could'nt not treat her. She is doing much better with the help of the drugs. I lost it completely two days ago when Chris told me Kyra's headstone was finished and he wanted to know what kind of ceremony I would like to have, I accept his need to bury her ashes in the cemetery but do not want to attend another gathering of friends and family to mark this. I will go and visit the site by myself when I can handle it. He doesn't understand my overwhelming fear and pain of going through another ritual. The reality of her death is still so hard to grasp and bear. I feel like she is still with me in some sense everyday, and burying her ashes will not be a comfort but a searing pain to my heart. I could not stop crying all that day. I can't even look at a picture of the stone on my email. I guess I still can not face the truth of her passing, Her service with family and friends happened 16 months ago, I got through it once but don't think I could go through another. Thank you all for listening, I am just not ready. Love Lynn

Comment by Connie K on March 16, 2015 at 6:45pm

I feel the same Teresa

Comment by Teresa D. on March 16, 2015 at 3:09pm

Your right Connie it does take a lot of energy to get through the day.  Feeling "lost" and "overwhelmed" are my new norms.

I thought as time went things would get easier.  But No.  All the sudden I found myself facing reality.  I no longer try to negotiate the situation.  I know when I wake up it won't be different.  It took me 2 years to admit this to myself. 

I try to live everyday for Michael.  I know he's not on earth but I still look for him everyday.  I talk  to him and yea I answer for him too. There's days I have to tell myself he is holding my hand just to get myself to calm down.

A friend last week told me she was proud of how far I have come.  I'm only getting better at wearing the fake face.  I can't stop the tears but I now hold them for when I'm alone so I guess I'm getting better at "managing" it too.

 

Comment by Connie K on March 16, 2015 at 11:59am

Sorry - i need to vent!! It takes so much energy to get through normal life. Do you all just suddenly feel so overwhelmed you just wonder if you can do it?

One of my kitties got very sick this week. They think it's Lymphoma. He ad a 106 temp and I didn't think he was going to make it but they are controlling the infection. now off to the oncology specialist vet! This kitty has helped me through this grief so much. He sleeps on a pillow behind my head every night and purrs and purrs.Then Sat night in the middle of the night the dog had another epileptic seizure. He's okay  but I guess we are going to have to put him on hard core drugs.

Now in the meantime I had to replace the granite and backsplash in my kitchen because it had cracked and the sub counter was dry rotting. They finished Sat and the grout color is supposed to be white and it's gray. After all we've been through you'd think just let it go. Who cares about that. But every time I walk in the kitchen my heart sinks a little more. Because it was supposed to match an area  it butts up to. For peet's sake it's white tile with white grout. I don't want to deal with the contractor and have conflict and redo etc. But I also feel life is too short to settle for something you paid for and have to look at every day. Instead it just makes me sad and overwhelmed. But I will probably make them redo it, it just feels like a giant hill to climb. All I want to think about is my precious kitty and pup. (Only kids I have left.) It's ike I just can't stand one more stupid thing to go wrong....

Comment by Jane P on March 13, 2015 at 3:39pm

Jill

I am so sorry for what you are having to go through.

It must be very difficult.

One day at a time, one minute at a time.

Hang in there.

Comment by Jill E on March 11, 2015 at 10:07pm

Thank you all. I seriously from my heart don't know what I would do without you all. Only we can feel what it is like. I called my daughter in law and she didn't answer. I left a message between sobs and she has not returned my call or texts. So much I don't understand . Here you know how bad it hurt for her to post this picture of a multi-flavor wine machine thing and the comment"everyone should have one". How could she. My psychiatrist totally agreed with me. That was heartless and so cruel. Then for all this crap. I feel as though she never cared about me just put up with me for so many years. I told her on the text that I know Josh loved me . The last thing he said before they intubated him was "I love you Mommas". She was sitting on the other side of the bed and I think she didn't hear it or maybe she did but I had to tell her today. I do though sometimes doubt myself and think did I hear that because I wanted/needed to hear it. Was it all in my mind. I know I heard him, I pray I heard him , he looked in my eyes and said it. It would kill me if I thought he didn't love me. We have s few disagreements a couple in the recent past where he refused to go with us out of town and on his dad's boat. Now I understand why because we may find out about his disease/addiction. He had hardly ever if not ever cussed at me until a few months ago he told me to "f" off. He had never used that word to me ever. I had been pushing him to go on the boat. Maybe he was afraid to put on shorts because his yellow skin would show maybe he was worried he could not be without his alcohol. At least now I understand why he said it. His dad was furious with him at the time using that word but we made up and all was well I thought. It was ok between us it was the rest of his life that was falling apart and I didn't know it. So many things make sense now that I know he had an addiction. I miss him so, so much. She can keep his stuff. I have him in my heart always and he knows how much I love him every single moment. I am hurt, hurt to my soul. Why did not offer something of Josh's why did I have to ask. That selfish witch!!!

Comment by Teresa D. on March 11, 2015 at 8:10pm

Denise I think celebrating your son's birthday with family and friends is a beautiful idea. 

Comment by Teresa D. on March 11, 2015 at 8:08pm

Jill no one can take your son from you.  No matter where you move or where you go he will always be in your heart.  I'm sorry this has to be so toxic between the two of you because no matter what the circumstances I'm sure you both hurt.

As parents, no one understands or gets the pain we experience.  This is a place I wouldn't want to see my worst enemy enter.  Sometimes we want so much to be angry and to find someone, if even ourselves, to blame. 

I get as a mother why you would want to have items you know were important to him but I think right now the grief the two of you are feeling is getting in the way. 

I agree with Connie, I would try to express what items you would like and try to explain to her why you would like to have them.  Leave the anger and issues out of it and appeal to her heart. If she continues to withhold them well.....cherish what you do have and remember he will always be in your heart.

For me after Michael left everything became a process and I had to do that process in my own time.  Like the quilt there was a process I had to go through to get there.  I have the bag of scraps but can't open it and look at it because then I have to face I let someone cut his jersey's up even though the quilts are wonderful to have.  It's a process....

Connie I hope you decided to have your drum circle and I would love to see your blanket when it's done. 

Dolly I love that picture.  Brandon has the biggest brightest smile ever.  He always looks so happy.  Sorry to hear so much is going on for you.  I will keep you guys in my prayers.   

Comment by Connie K on March 11, 2015 at 1:03pm

Jill I am so sorry your daughter in law is being like this. Perhaps in a bit you can write her a letter explaining that your husband had a right to his opinion but that doesn't mean she should punish you by withholding something that might help you have a little peace. Sometimes in a letter you can express yourself easier. How was it interacting with her when you met?

Comment by Connie K on March 11, 2015 at 12:56pm

Teresa - I am finally having the blanket made with my son's t-shirts in time for his birthday this year. It will be a surprise for his dad.

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