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Comment by Rj on April 26, 2015 at 3:47pm

Friday was a bad day at work...nothing in particular but i was so weepy all day. I just couldn't stop crying, random times. Weather is getting nice, sure gonna miss my helper with my planting. Larry always loved to come over snd help with the heavy mulch or whatever was needed to help his momma.whew i feel im losing my mind at times

Comment by Rj on April 23, 2015 at 9:17am

Exactly sharon! They totally get us,i am so glad i found that group and this wonderful online group!

Comment by Sharon on April 23, 2015 at 9:01am

Teresa...you are blessed. You had a wonderful son Michael. No one can ever take away your memories of him. But yes, loss of our future is what we mourn. I to so wish I could've had the marriage , the grandchildren, just seeing his smile and hearing his voice.

Rj, I have a good support system too, but I feel more connected to my friends that I have met through compassionate friends and my online grief friends. They get how I feel, I don't have to pretend around them.

Comment by Rj on April 23, 2015 at 6:56am

Oh teresa....i understand. We are so ultra sensitive aren't we. I feel the same way, its almost like we cant talk to anyone without taking their words so personal as if their words are direct hits and blows are meant just for us even when they are not. It is a hard place we are all in, every day so challenging.

Comment by Rj on April 23, 2015 at 6:48am

You are so right sharon...heartache awaits around each corner. I swear if i did not have such a supportive family, ex husband and gentle co workers, i would not be a "survivor". As good as they are, i still have such sadness and lonliness in my heart. Larry filled so much in my life. I love you all, we need all the blessings we can get to continue on, even if its living with half of a heart. And sharon how i would love those 5 minutes a year also. At least we would have something to look forward to, what a gift that would be....who knows, maybe we will... Xoxo. :)

Comment by Teresa D. on April 23, 2015 at 6:41am

I was in the store when I spotted the cutest little baby. I approached the baby and the woman with the baby started telling me how "blessed" she was. She told me she had 4 kids, 7 grandkids and 3 great babies. Over and over she told me how "blessed" she was. I quickly left the store, ran to my car and cried.  I thought does that mean I'm "not blessed"? I know that is not what she said but that is what I heard.

Comment by Sharon on April 22, 2015 at 8:41pm

I know Rj, if I could talk to Troy for 5 minutes once a year,  I'd be okay. Just to be able to know that he is okay and happy.  I agree it is so hard to see everyone happy with their kids and know that we will no longer be able to share our sons lives with them. We have no future with them, only the past.  That is why we hang onto every little memory, every picture, every scrap of them... it's all we have left. We will miss our boys every minute, every hour and day for the rest of our lives.

Comment by Rj on April 22, 2015 at 8:06pm

Same here...how i agree, who has any right to say how anyone should feel! You sure find out shallow some people can be. I was actually worried because it had been a few days that i hadn't cried, it was like my numbness was turning inward and i dont want that to happen. But today, a friend popped in my office. He hadnt seen me since i started back to work. He wasn't prying but i began the conversation about larry, i teared up and cried, it was the end of the day...then i cried all the way home. It sure is hard to know how emotions work or don't work. Its like each day is some kind of new day. I miss my old life, that life with my son. Its so hard to be joyful, to smile a smile that is real...co workers talking about their kids, i show interest but inside i am dying all over again. I want to talk about my kid too, like i did before, talk about my larry, whats going on in his world, etc...i wonder had he'd known what taking his own life would do , the absolute heartache, the ever changing world , those he left behind to try and pick up these shattered pieces...i wonder, would he have done it. God i miss that boy

Comment by Sharon on April 22, 2015 at 5:36pm

Dolly, I think this is the way it will be for us... We will always be blindsided by people's comments.  Mindless comments..."He's in a better place, Time will heal all, At least you have another child, Be strong, your child would want you to be happy, are you always going to be sad?" the list goes on and on.  We make people uncomfortable and they do not know what to say.  I just bite my lip and usually cry all the way home...  = (

Comment by Dolly on April 22, 2015 at 3:35pm

thanks for the support... I just get blindsided by comments like that one... I thought I was just expressing thoughts... sad thoughts that some days were all I had... just sad thoughts.. not every day or all day ..and they seem to come on by themselves.. its not like I sit in a corner pouting and thinking as many sad things as I can and saying poor me how pitiful am I... nobody else lost him .. only those of us who love him lost him... to everybody else it was just business as usual for the most part.. and not so long after he died either... you can't make people care or understand, but at least they could keep their mean thoughts to themselves you would think...

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