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Comment by Jill E on April 30, 2015 at 2:47pm

Oh Sharon I know what you are feeling also. I have a major weight problem, just had my physical with all the blood work, etc. everything came back perfect. If you looked at my medical records and my body you would never guess it was mine. Inside I hate to admit it but I kinda wanted something to be wrong. Then I thought about my youngest son and husband and I just wouldn't want them to go through it, the treatment, etc. feelings are so mixed up. My brain is so mixed up, my heart hurts, it seems worse each day. I want to stay in bed but force myself to get up. It hurts if I stay in bed, it hurts if I am up. When I am up though it seems that the day goes by faster. WYWH

Comment by Jesse's Mom on April 30, 2015 at 1:23pm

Shortly after my son passed I updated my Living Will and medical directives in case should happen to me. I also bought life insurance and keep it current for the sake of my other two kids. I too have avoided the doctor...an event like this changes one from the core...

Comment by Rj on April 30, 2015 at 11:14am

Sharon, omg, i feel the same way. Inside i hope i am diagnosed with something, i will always refuse any type of treatment from now on...and i will not let anyone know about it til its time to say goodbye.

Comment by Rj on April 30, 2015 at 11:11am

Jill, my ex husband cant look at larrys photos yet either. Tomorrow will be 3 months since the awful call...seems like years since i have seen and talked to him. I also feel i am going backwards with the pain and grief. I come to work, like others, manage thru the day but my entire inside is destroyed and broken. I only see possibly moving forward but never a day without heartache and pain. I spent most of morning in bathroom, stomach is always tore up. I still have my wonderful mother but i am so torn up about next sunday, mothers day. Im not sure i can gather with the family. Larry always brought her and i daisys, followed by big lunch, fun snd laughter,it was always such a special day.

Comment by Sharon on April 30, 2015 at 10:37am

Vasanthi,
I understand how you feel about wanting to be with your son. I felt a strange wave of disappointment when my results from my yearly mammogram came out negative. We just want so desperately to be with our children. To just stop our pain and suffering. I miss my son so much that it hurts. Normal people do not understand the depth of our suffering.

Comment by Jill E on April 30, 2015 at 9:25am

It sounds so bad but I avoid looking at pictures of Josh. It makes my pain so much more intense. I don't want to think. Today I took out the little urn I have and held it close. It is in its little box inside my drawer. Can't look at it everyday. I want to look at Josh but the pain gets uncontrollable. Others look at pictures I avoid them. I miss you My Josh. WYWH

Comment by Dolly on April 30, 2015 at 7:52am

oh Vasanthi... I'm sorry its so bad... it is so bad though... no matter what anyone says.. it just is so bad... but at least it is spring... that is one thing that is not so bad... two more days and its angelversary time... soon you will be back in the US right Vasanthi?  MA in the spring and summer is pretty.. you will have your sweetheart near ... maybe it will lift your heart... I hope so...

Comment by Vasanthi S on April 30, 2015 at 1:17am

Dolly, thinking of you and praying for you to have peace and love.

Connie, everyday is a damn struggle. Like Jill said, I used to be strong and now I am weak. I am in total agreement. My son was everything and that was the only thing I was really good at.. at being his mom... now every other role is a struggle... its all ()@#$@%#$% up. Just this morning while praying I was feeling hopeful thinking maybe the wait won't be long and maybe I'll just drop dead and felt such relief at the thought!!!!! I wish I was 90 years old or something so that I either go senile or dead.

Comment by Sharon on April 29, 2015 at 11:00pm

I know Jill. Me too. It is so hard to act "normal" at work. I try not to act too sad around my other children... I hate to make them sad.

The truth is, I feel so lost and empty. A part of my heart is missing. Somedays it's hard to go on.  Other days, its a little better.   I am scared of what lays ahead.  I hope I can survive this.

Comment by Jill E on April 29, 2015 at 10:40pm

Sharon, I won't know how to get through each day. I feel as though I put on this mask to get through the day while behind the mask I am crumbling. It seems so pointless. My life is my children. My most important things in my life. The one thing that is was good at, that I loved, that I was made for...being a mom.

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