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Comment by Jill E on May 2, 2015 at 3:53pm

Well one more blow to my heart. This weekend in Sacramento they (VW club that Josh was a member of)are having a fund raiser for a therapeutic horseback riding group that my youngest coincidentally participated in 20 years ago. It is held yearly and we attended a couple of times with Josh and my daughter-in law. Anyway I was called by one of Josh's friends (by accident-thought he was calling my Daughter-in-law) I found out the there will be a procession of about250 VWs with my Joshie's VW leading the way. No one told me and dedicating it to my son. I asked him ( the guy that called me if he could send me some pictures because Sarah is not talking to me. Well he acted all put out and told me that was between Sarah and me. He was almost rude and indignant. So then I texted the friend of Josh's that I was always close to (the one Sarah is going to Hawaii with) and asked if she could take pictures for me. Well her answer was I only have my phone. Then like a dumb sh** I tried to text Sarah. Well still blocked. Then I emailed her, just to ask for pictures of the event. (I guess I am a gluten for punishment) then shortly after my email I emailed her back, to explain that I should not have asked her. I need to let go because she is killing me. I worry Josh is mad at me. I have apologized and apologized. She will never forgive me. I will never have any rememberances of Josh. She won't let me have any. Just because I asked for something before we moved and she gave me stuff that was not "Josh". I have apologized so many times but my sobbing to her over the phone (had to leave voicemail) it,
hurting so badly she never returned my call never accepted the countless apologizes blocked me from everything. I was and am just behaving like a grieving mother.
When I post here I don't know how to stop my rambling. WYWH

Comment by Rj on May 2, 2015 at 1:50pm

Amazing how our joy, happiness and love for life has stopped. 3 months yesterday since larrys passing. I just dont understand, how i can feel worse with time, not better at all. I feel myself being more comfortable isolated. I dont feel like conversation, i just want to be alone. God i miss him so much

Comment by Connie K on May 2, 2015 at 1:00pm

Dolly my heart is with you today and I know Brandon is too. Hugs

Comment by Connie K on May 2, 2015 at 12:59pm

Hugs to you Jane. We lost our children about the same time. I too thought I would somehow better by now. No we just learn how to get through the days. I am sorry you are hurting so much. I am sorry for us all. I am stuggling also and worry about my apathy. I feel unable to be the wife my husband deserves. We are both in so much pain and deal with it differently. I just don;t have the energy anymore...I miss you more than words can ever express my Daniel...

Comment by Dolly on May 2, 2015 at 11:55am

Jane, you are not alone... today its two years since Brandon died... I miss him all the time... feel broken inside... feel isolated from a world that just goes merrily along as if nothing has destroyed me and doesn't care if something has destroyed me.. tells me to keep it to myself and stop feeling sorry for myself.. so I like you avoid all contact with anyone I don't absolutely have to see or hear or talk to... I don't answer the phone unless its my oldest son... I don't go anywhere but up into the mountain where nobody else but me and my husband goes... I too have my affairs in order.. no viewing.. no funeral.. cremation... dump my ashes wherever... don't care.. I try to stay healthy enough to outlive my disabled son but after that I will be ready to leave this awful world... I am grateful for those I have here on earth .. but they are too busy with their own lives to miss me and my leaving won't change anything for anyone except my son and husband... I wish I had more hope and joy ... but every time I think I have found a way to function someone comes along and tells me I have once again made a mistake and what I feel is valid is NOT valid and to shut up... so I just go hide again...

Comment by Jane P on May 2, 2015 at 11:42am

Hello everyone

I don't post very often, but I read the wall everyday.

There are many of us who have the same side effects due to the loss of our child. I thought I was the only one. I stopped all unnecessary meds, I stopped going to doctor, I stopped going to any medical persons. I had a heart attack about 13 years ago, I've stopped seeing him also. My affairs are in order, everyone is looked after. My funeral is arranged, it is very simple and private. I don't want anyone looking at me. I will die, be cremated and my ashes will be buried with my daughter's ashes. One stop funeral.

It may sound odd, but it is who I have become since Danielle left. She has been gone 2 years, 5 months today.

I avoid going out in public as much as possible, I like to be alone.

I continue to have the "attacks", the ones that bring you to your knees. They are horrible, I lay on the bathroom vanity so my tears can drop in sink, my eyes are too sore to use tissue, I gag and convulse until it's over. I have these on a daily basis, sometimes more than once. I have no joy in my life. Danielle was my joy.

As depressing as all this is, I'm still here. Not my choice, but it is my reality.

Sometimes I just need someone to hear me, and my pain, without telling them. They should just know.

I found a very special friend here, she has kept me going. We email almost daily.

My life is in turmoil, my husband wants a normal life again and I can't give it to him.

So I came here to pour my heart out.

Thank you for letting me.

I always think of all of you and how you get through this.

My heart is with you. 

Comment by Sharon on April 30, 2015 at 9:24pm

Rj you should see your doctor. It probably is stress induced, but to make sure... Remember to breathe... Maybe try a meditation cd.

Laurie, I too added additional insurance. They say that stress like the one suffered from a death of a child, can increase our chance of heart attack or stroke. I can see why. We feel like crap, we don't eat right and can't sleep!

Comment by Rj on April 30, 2015 at 6:55pm

Its crazy because i have been so short of breath going on 4 days now. Even with the meds, nothing helps.

Comment by Rj on April 30, 2015 at 6:41pm

I often wondered if there was such a thing of broken heart syndrome. http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Bro...

Comment by Rj on April 30, 2015 at 6:34pm

I wonder if i got the link from you. :)

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