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Comment by Rj on May 8, 2015 at 7:13pm

Some of you may have read this but it was the first for me. It is on the compassionate friends website. I guess i am reaching for anything and everything. We all have so many of the same thoughts and share our broken hearts.
"Anticipating Mother’s Day"
Before we lost our children to death, Mother’s Day was a happy time. We each reflect back on Mother’s Days past…...gifts, cards, special memories and one day set aside to acknowledge the best in our relationship with our treasured children.
With the death of our child, this dynamic was forever transfigured. Now, instead of looking forward to this day, we grasp at anything that will keep our minds away from it. Yet the anxiety still creeps into our minds and hearts; our stomachs churn and tears fill our eyes at the most inopportune moments. The dreadful countdown begins in late April and lasts for nearly three weeks.
This is the eighth Mother’s Day I have endured since the death of my son. Each year I have the same, desperate anxiety, yet each year the day is a bit easier to handle. Each year the anticipation is far worse than the day itself…. “borrowing trouble” as my dad would say. Since my son is my only child, I do not have the comfort of other children nor do I have the need to put on a happy face. Instead, I am able to choose what I will do without feeling the burden of guilt.
While my first Mother’s Day was filled with tears, subsequent Mother’s Days have been more subdued.
The choice to embrace or ignore Mother’s Day is yours alone. Many bereaved mothers adopt a new perspective which honors their child and still gives normalcy to their family. Mother’s Day is bittersweet for us. The pain is part of the love that we will feel for our children for eternity. We wouldn’t trade one treasured moment for a cosmic reduction of our pain.
Some of us plan the day carefully. Some of us just “go with the flow.” Some of us weep; some of us work. Some of us read, some of us revel in this special moment set aside just for mothers. Each of us makes a choice that is based on our own truth.
The day itself is not nearly as overwhelming as the buildup of anxiety and sadness which precedes it. I have found this to be true of all holidays, birthdays, death anniversaries and special occasions. I am trying to live in the moment. When the moment of Mother’s Day happens, I will decide what I should do. I refuse to let others pressure me. I refuse to become maudlin over greeting card commercials and heart-grabbing point-of-purchase marketing efforts. I will not be manipulated by the agenda of others.
But on Mother’s Day, as on each day of the year, I will think of my son, remembering the child he was and the man he became. I will honor his life by doing the best I can with what is left of my life. I will remain in the moment and treasure my memories. And for this mother, that is enough.
Annette Mennen Baldwin
In memory of my son, Todd Mennen
TCF, Katy, TX

Comment by Rj on May 8, 2015 at 7:05pm

Seems like moms always have little pet names for our babies, no matter the age. I feel the same way jill, the aging process when i look at myself. I tried smiling in the mirror the other day and compared that smile to the smiles of the ones in photos of me and larry. Looks like a different person. Yes, empty sad eyes.

Comment by Jill E on May 8, 2015 at 6:43pm

In these last 5 months I feel I have aged years. My face looks tired and my eyes empty. Rj just be careful. Please. It can take you over and you don't even realize it.

Comment by Jill E on May 8, 2015 at 6:41pm

I always called my Josh, Joshie. He always called me Mommas. I can hear him say it and feeling him give me one of his great big hugs. He was never shy to hug me and tell me he loved me in public (well except for a few teenage years). I can't believe he is gone. I saw him often and never knew.
I still keep praying I will wake up from this horrible dream.
I love you my Joshie!!! WYWH

Comment by Rj on May 8, 2015 at 5:28pm

I know i do need to be careful..since i am on zoloft and Xanax. But the drinks do fill up the void from 6 pm til about 9.get up for work ok. Its just that sadness, lack of joy, loneliness is so deep. Nothing, no med or drink takes it away. Sure takes a toll on us doesnt it. Been 3 months, feels like a lifetime ago.

Comment by Rj on May 8, 2015 at 5:15pm

Teresa, you have a smurf...i have a bumpkin, like you said, always. :)

Comment by Rj on May 8, 2015 at 5:14pm

I found that verse...and it fits so well

Comment by Rj on May 8, 2015 at 5:13pm

I am feeling like a small canoe lost at sea. I am floating around, and I look rather normal up close. It is only unless you look a little longer and see the bigger picture do you see just how lost I really am. So here I go lost and floating around out into the greater world waiting for that stranger to boldly wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I will smile and say, "Thank you." I will think of my Larry, and do my best to be his mother on this very scary Mother's Day.

Comment by Teresa D. on May 8, 2015 at 4:39pm

Mother's Day! They say, "Embrace it", but I ask, "How?"

No matter what, we are all still Mom's.  That's a love and a bond that nothing can take, not even this.

For me I pulled out every Mother's Day card Michael ever gave me and I displayed them.  I read and re-read them because I know Michael each year looked for the right words.  Sunday I will be proud to tell anyone who will listen that I am the proud mother of the worlds greatest son, Michael Cristo Dimitri III. 

Mommy loves you Mike, I will never stop and you will always be my little Smurf!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone one of you can find some peace on Mother's Day!

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on May 8, 2015 at 3:59pm

I agree Sharon, part of us is gone and it always will be.  I feel broken and will never be ok.  Mothers Day coming up is unbearable.  Also my Randys birthday would be this month, he missed so much, a car, a girlfriend, college.  I am lost without him.  I try to block out the painful thoughts, they just hurt so damn much.  He was so happy when he was growing up, I will never understand why he would turn to drugs, I torture myself thinking about why and I will never know. Hugs to everybody.

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