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Comment by Jill E on May 15, 2015 at 11:19pm

Rj it will come. After I lost Josh I got a lot of different signs. I'd see something or hear something and I just knew it had to be from him because if it had been a minute sooner or later I would not have been there at that time. I hope that makes sense. I then went thru a time when nothing and I got really depressed and thought he was angry at me or something, now again I have had a couple of instances. Sometimes I feel like I am looking too hard then the disappointment. I don't know. I haven't had a dream about him at least one I remember. It almost scares me. How depressed will I be in the morning when he is not back with me. Will it send me for a tailspin or comfort me?

Comment by Rj on May 15, 2015 at 8:27pm

I had an ever slight glimpse of larry in a dream last night...was a strange dream, as many are but i think I am getting closer. :)

Comment by Rj on May 15, 2015 at 8:02pm

I wonder how long a mind and body can truly stay in such a state of mind?

Comment by Jill E on May 15, 2015 at 7:06pm

Today I was just in general feeling horrible mentally and physically. I was crying today, just crying because me feelings are so raw. I cry for "no" reason, I cry for everything. My husband comes in and wants to know why I was crying What? How dare he ask! I was so mad it made me cry harder. Then he didn't even comfort me. Do I have to explain? Go over everything out loud. I have this pain over the loss of Josh's father. After 30 years of being apart I still love him. I feel as though I am mourning so many things. I am mourning for my Josh, for a normal life. Our lives will never be normal. I should be awarded an Academy Award for my acting skills. I put on this face almost everyday so I don't have to answer those dumbass questions. What is wrong? Blah, Blah, Blah...it is easier to fake it. The pain inside grows but almost no one knows. Only here. We all know to well this whole thing. The pain, the loneliness, the guilt, the loss of our babies... I miss him so much...I am not getting better. I try not to think...keep my brain busy...easier just not to show it.

Comment by Dolly on May 14, 2015 at 10:56pm

I know you are all hurting so bad... nothing people say to us can make it worse than it is really.. but sometimes I guess I just have to strike out at something because I can't do anything to change what happened to Brandon now.... if ever I could have.. it always torments my mind to think maybe I could have done something.. but now I can't ever do anything for him again and at times its almost more than I can bear.. I have no energy or desire to do anything and when I ever finally do try to do something it always seems to fail ... so why bother.. but I know I will never have any happiness ever again if I can't somehow wade through this awful darkness... not that I will ever really be THROUGH it though.. that's what so many people don't get.. you don't get OVER it or THROUGH it... you just learn how not to show it I guess... most of the time... I'm so sorry you are all going through this too..

Comment by Sharon on May 14, 2015 at 8:40pm

So sorry Dolly and Katherine. I get mad when people say hurtful, stupid things too. They just don't understand the deepness of our pain. Sometimes I cant believe that it hasn't killed me. It is so severe. They say it gets better...it's been 3 months for me too...still waiting for some relief.

Comment by Dolly on May 14, 2015 at 12:18pm

Its been two years and there are times when I least expect it I find myself just overwhelmed all over again... the preacher didn't sound like he was trying to help me.. he excused himself by saying he had the prophetic anointing so he said things like that are.... in my opinion he was just judging me and using his position as an excuse so I would be afraid to call him on it... preachers like that can do alot of damage..

Comment by katherine foster on May 14, 2015 at 11:39am

I am so sorry, RJ.  I always wished for some thing to ease the intensity and severity for me.  I had to keep myself so busy doing things just to try and keep from feeling anything, especially the pain and extreme sadness.

Comment by Rj on May 14, 2015 at 11:30am

Im sorry dolly, you have so much to deal with. Katherine its not anything we will get over is it. Im trying to manage each day but its only been 3 months for me since losing my only son. I have gut wrenching pain every day all day.

Comment by katherine foster on May 14, 2015 at 11:14am

I have yet to 'GET OVER' the death of my daughter.  And it's been a little over 5 years.  It's something I manage daily.  People have and will say things like that preatcher said,  thinking they are helping.  I just try not to think too hard or take them serious anymore. 

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