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Comment by David Blanco on May 21, 2017 at 5:02pm

One of the worst consequences of this loss, and there are so many, is my older daughter saying to me a few days ago "It's never going to be about me anymore". I hurt so much about the daughter I lost, but what about my daughter that is still here...and needs me! I have to remember that she deserves a Life of happiness and fulfillment. It's hard because of my pain, but she is my Baby too, and my joy!

Comment by Patty on May 21, 2017 at 2:48pm

Dolly, yes, the things people talk and worry about just about drive me crazy.  Even the "big" things are nothing compared to this.  Nothing.  For me your statement is exactly correct "the missing is just all there is".

Comment by Dolly on May 21, 2017 at 2:40pm

you know Patty.. I realized when I read your post that I don't really care what people think either... and I don't really care all that much about them .. I try to shake that but I'd be a liar if I said Im any good at that.. mostly I just don't want to think about anyone else ... people just seem to be so shallow ... worrying about such inane things... when they have no clue ... I just want to hold my baby again... nothing else even computes at those times... just that wanting... when the missing is just all there is..

Comment by Patty on May 21, 2017 at 1:16pm

Dolly, everything you said describes my feelings exactly.  I always wonder what people really think of me but on the other hand I don't seem to really care.  I feeling like a "watcher" too.  Not only do I not feel the will or energy to be a part of it I also feel like I don't really belong anymore.  I can't get over the fact that the world keeps going on.  It seems like yesterday that my daughter was here (it's getting close to 7 years) and I can't wrap my head around the fact that people have just picked up and moved on.  I don't think I will ever feel anything close to "okay" again.  If I'm still feeling like this after almost 7 years I probably always will.

Comment by Dolly on May 21, 2017 at 1:04pm

I know what you mean Patty... everything seems so unreal anymore... and yet the world moves along... I feel like I'm WATCHING it but can't get up the will or energy to jump on and be part of it... it all seems so shallow and pointless so much of the time.. I feel so lost... like everything I thought I knew is gone... nothing is stable and sure... nothing makes sense.. I can't trust anything... even my own self.. I constantly find myself trying to figure out what people are REALLY thinking.. what their REAL attitude towards me is... and never feeling like I know for sure.. always doubting.. always so lonely..

Comment by Patty on May 21, 2017 at 12:58pm

I'm so sorry, David.  I can only imagine what your beautiful daughter was feeling and thinking as she wrote that.  I, like you, used to be happy.  Now I find it hard to care much about anything.  But I have prayed for you and will continue to do so.

Comment by Dolly on May 21, 2017 at 12:58pm

David.. it seems you have an understanding about suicide that many don't seem to have... too many people talk about the suicidal person as 'selfish' and they just have no idea... the pain the suicidal person goes through is so raw and total... and you seem to know that... your sweet daughter ... only the tender hearts feel pain like that I think... so deep and so inexplicable to anyone who has never felt that hopelessness and uselessness.. the frustration of having no control over anything ... I know the feeling well... my heart is so sad for you... its obvious how much you love and miss your sweet girl.... my son didn't die the same way, but I too can't shake the pain of losing him... this month has been awful... its been 4 years since he died.. and I think I'm dealing with it better.. and in my conscious mind I seem to be.. sort of.. but then my body tells me otherwise... its been one physical thing after another this month and when I finally gave up and went to the doctor all the tests come back 'normal'... but still I am overwhelmed with all manner of symptoms... its as if we can not NOT grieve.. we can't fool ourselves totally... this grief is part of us now.. and no matter what we do it will have it's 'pound of flesh'... please keep coming and sharing... this group has meant so much to me... because nobody here judges... if anyone ever comes in and tries that the rest of us soon take care of them straightaway... because those of us who know this pain won't stand for anyone to come and attack any of us... a strange little group of support and love here... one none of us EVER wanted to have to be part of..

Comment by David Blanco on May 21, 2017 at 12:28pm

I found Carli's goodbye note. She wrote it in German. She was self-teaching the language. I translated it myself which was difficult. The sadness and hopelessness my poor Carli felt inside. This evil thing depression is a killer. My life has changed so much. I used to be happy and positive. Now I don't see a point to living. I fight the feeling, just like Carli must have. I'm so apathetic...

Comment by Connie K on May 17, 2017 at 3:55pm

Thanks Ammy <3

Comment by Ammy on May 17, 2017 at 12:47pm

Thinking of you all and ......

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