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Comment by David Blanco on June 5, 2017 at 5:41am

Yesterday was two months since I lost my Carli. It has been so difficult. Many times I find Life meaningless. Other times I am going through the motions to exist, just exist.

Comment by David Blanco on May 24, 2017 at 8:42am

This weekend we are having my daughter's high school graduation party in our yard. Carli hasn't been gone 2 months and I don't feel like celebrating but my wife insists on it. My daughter Katie does deserve a celebration for all she has accomplished. I just don't feel right celebrating right in the place my Carli took her own life - I found her in the drive way. Part of me feels I need to force a smile on my face for Katie to have her day, another part of me wants to run away and cry. It's tearing me apart inside.

Comment by Teresa D. on May 24, 2017 at 8:33am

David your okay, I use to repeat myself and I use to run around the house frantically looking for something.  When my boyfriend would ask me what I was looking for I would just cry and tell him I don't know but if I keep looking I'll find it.  David I never found it. Even today I don't know what I was looking for. 

I didn't lose my only child but I did lose my only son.  Michael had no children, part of our conversation that day was his dream of 3-4 kids but that's gone.  My heart is with those who lost their only one. My daughter can't have kids due to medical reasons but I do have her. 

Dolly nice to hear from you......I still think your an angel.  Brandon was very lucky to have a momma that loved him so much. 

I'm with you Ammy, I have learned in some situations to distract myself to keep the tears from coming.  Some days I do ok and feel ok and some days forget it I'm in that horrible place and have to fight to get back of it.  This is my new normal. 

In the beginning when others would say you'll learn to manage it I just couldn't understand that but now I'm learning to manage it.  The fake face gets a little tight sometimes and no matter what I do it cracks but I have to admit I wear it more now then in those first 3 years.

Comment by Patty on May 23, 2017 at 12:48pm

Ammy, thank you for your kind words.  I too think it is a different experience for the moms and dads of only children.  I really have no distractions.  I am in no way meaning to say that I think my pain is worse.  I think it is just different.  I know I am still a mom but most of the time I don't feel like I am.

Comment by Rita on May 23, 2017 at 11:47am

I am so sorry for you, David and all the rest of us on this site. We all have a struggle everyday of our lives. Some days easier than others. I lost my only Son in July of last year. He was a month away from being 38. I think I have been in disbelief ever since. I also have 2 Daughters, one has children the other does not. My Son has children and I love them dearly but I love my Children more. They are part of me... If he had been my only child I might feel different...

David you are going through what we all have been through.... It does get easier but not much.... I still cry a lot... I avoid some Family events and those I do go to I only go for my Daughters... My Family will never be the same and I hate being reminded that it isn't and will never be..

David I have found some comfort in a grief group called The Compassionate Friends. People that have lost Children.  They truly know what you are going through, they have all been through it... Not all grief groups are the same... Look them up for a chapter close to you and give them a try...  Hugs to you and your Family....

Comment by Ammy on May 23, 2017 at 10:33am

David, I hope you are able to explain to Katie that she is very important to you, but that it is so soon since losing Carli that you are still in shock and need time.  She is probably grieving too and needs you.  Hug her.

Comment by Ammy on May 23, 2017 at 10:29am

So sorry Patty.  As hard as this is I can't imagine your pain/loss for an only child.  I do believe it has to be somewhat different from us that have other children.  I have found for myself that my two daughters and the grandchildren are helpful distractions at times.  But then there are those days when I don't want to be around anyone.  I agree that this is  a lifetime experience.  I also am coming up on 7 years and I do have better days, but I never make it a whole day without some time missing my son and wanting to see him again.  I really force myself to change my focus to something else or I will break down.

I pray you have some easier days.  I pray this for all of us.  

Comment by Patty on May 22, 2017 at 11:27am

And some of us don't have anyone left.  The children we lost are our one and only.  For us we can't get the motivation up to try.

Comment by David Blanco on May 21, 2017 at 6:20pm

Sorry, I'm so messed up in the head I'm repeating myself and don't realize it. It's so hard to think and concentrate.

Comment by David Blanco on May 21, 2017 at 6:14pm

One of the consequences of losing a Loved one, and there are many, is the pain felt by us left behind. My other daughter said to me recently "I guess it will never be about me anymore." Carli is gone, and that hurts so much, but my daughter Katie is alive and deserves to be happy. She should live fully and have a contented Life. I can't turn my back on her no matter what pain I'm in. It won't go away but I must do my best to hide it for my other baby that is still here...

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