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Comment by Michele Blevins on March 4, 2013 at 9:46am

Hello everyone, I'm having a bad morning can't stop crying. I was going to try and go back to work today. I'm blessed to have a great boss. I don't want to leave the house. It's a nightmare i can't hold or kiss my son. I miss him so much. I just want him here with me.

Comment by Karen R. on March 4, 2013 at 9:25am

Hey everyone. I still have a problem with speaking of my son in the past tense, it makes me feel like I am making him feel like he never existed....I know that sounds crazy and irrational but I feel like that sometimes. Maybe I don't speak of him that way because I don't want any of this to be a reality. It's the same with me having waves of guilt if I laugh or enjoy anything, I feel like my son will feel like I am forgetting him, forget dancing, I still haven't danced since 2009, the year my son passed away. The few times that I attempted to, my eyes well up with tears and I just can't do it, it's like a voice says to me "what you are dancing for?!!!!) I would have been able to dance at my son's wedding one day but now I've been robbed of that. Enjoyment has become such a task for me. I feel like during happy family events I have to be fake so others won't feel uncomfortable and plus I don't want the focus to be on me when everyone should be enjoying their self. Thanks for listening.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on March 4, 2013 at 7:08am

Hi everyone.  Yesterday was Sam's 2nd year.  We had another gathering here at the house.  It was bittersweet.  We had a some of Sam's poetry and writings made into a book.  We passed them out yesterday as a way to say thank you for remembering him and also to keep his memory alive.  I know for me, I'll wake up thinking of him, go to bed thinking of him, think of him though out my day probably for the rest of my life.  I don't see it getting any easier with the years but I do know that the emotions are not as raw like they were the first year.  It's just a different kind of emotion because it's the realization he's not coming back.  That when I talk to him I'm talking to his spirit and hope that he hears me.  Sending love and hugs to you all.  And also for just listening.  For the new ones here in this group a special hug.  We now what you are going through.  Our heart aches for you.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 4, 2013 at 12:01am

Karen
I was thinking the same today. Not being able to look at his pictures. It hurts but more than that I'm experiencing huge waves of fear and anxiety when I look at them now. I ont have any videos. I hug his favorite jacket.

Comment by Karen R. on March 3, 2013 at 9:44pm

Sorry, I left out that it is one of shirts that I keep in my closet.

Comment by Karen R. on March 3, 2013 at 9:42pm

Does anyone have days where you can't look at your child's picture? It's funny, I have my son's picture in a heart pendent around my neck everyday, yet there are days when I can't look at his photo albums or I block his pictures on my dresser with other photos of my other children. Then there are other days that all I want to do is look at all of his pictures, every single one of them, including videos. The videos are the ones that make me sob the most, especially the ones of him playing his keyboard. Some days I have to put one of his that I keep in my closet way in the back where I can't see it and other days where I need to see it as soon as I open my closet. None of this seems real to me.

Comment by Karen R. on March 3, 2013 at 9:33pm

Hello to all, so many of us can relate to you said Sophia, I definitely can. I can't even begin to understand this new life of mine without my son, regardless of me having other children....damn it, I want ALL of my children!!!!!!!!! I want my happy life back. I don't believe I could survive this without being able to talk to others who unfortunately understand, all of the "somebody elsers" so to speak, meaning like I previously mentioned, that these tragedies always happen to to somebody else.....NOT us. Just the thought of days to come without my son inferiorates me. I feel like I burn out the 'have nots', meaning those who are fortunate enough to have all of their children so they can't relate, with my grief and talking about my son. Some I feel still think they are protecting me by not mentioning my son, while in fact it's upsetting because I take that as they have forgotten him, like he never existed. They probably don't mean it that way but that's how it feels.

Comment by Michelle W on March 2, 2013 at 1:03am

Sophia,
I completely understand and agree with you..,even when I try to be a big girl and talk about my son people seem put off or uncomfortable and just try to in my opinion run away from me.., my husband will say to me I love to talk about my son just not now its too painful.... I really want to just scream..., I miss him and bragging about him and talking to him.,,the school sent me an email letting me know they will be offering the scholarship I set up in my sons name ... It's that time of year.., ugh,, it really burns...,bittersweet.., he would be so proud to be helping someone further themselves..,so I understand the pain.., and frustration of never truly being happy again..,

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 2, 2013 at 12:23am

Sophia
I understand. We fought also. And we were so close. A huge part of me left with him. Hurts so bad. I'm so sorry.

Comment by Sophia on March 1, 2013 at 1:35pm

Hello to all of you who belong to this site but never wanted to.  I have been so stressed out, crying & sad most of the time. I started a new job about a month ago and I travel to various offices, every day could be somewhere different.  I said something about this before; woman/mothers talk about thier children - that's what they do & each and every time someone brings up thier children I have to put my head down, or somehow otherwise avoid the conversation. I HATE IT!!I want to confide in someone but because I travel everyday there is no-one I can talk to or be honest with. I either have to lie or (preferably) just hide and hiding is making me feel very alone and somewhat depressed. This just plain and simply sucks!!  Not just the work stuff but missing my pain in the a-- son Jimmy. He and I were so close and we would fight about certain things and when we fought it was a full blown, down for the count kind of fight. He was a character to say the least and he was troubled and he was the most thoughtfull, caring person I knew/ still know (never known someone as loyal as Jimmy). I've almost made up a lie about Jimmy to avoid the awkwardness of these Mommy conversations but I wisely decided against it - realizing I'd have to keep up with this lie forever and I'm not a liar, not by nature. Why did this happen? What can I possibly get from this experience? Beside sadness, lonliness and regret I see absolutely nothing good. I think "look forward to the future with my other 2 children" and I am grateful don't get me wrong, I just don't want this to be a life without Jimmy. People are moving on, life goes on and no-one understands how sensitive and sad losing a child makes you. No friends really when it comes down to it - no real, true friends. I'm so sad and lonely - isn't that lyics from a song (Elvis)?? This is just too much!!! I will never fit into this life again, life will never be truly happy again. There will be happy, good things in life but I myself will never be happy, truly happy, again.

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