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Searching
I wonder if those of us who have lost a beloved spouse ever remember I time when they were alive and, for some reason, we lost sight of them or they did not arrive home on time. If so, try to remember the feeling you had - it probably was, at first, a little feeling of panic, then, as time went on, a feeling of hysteria setting in. When they finally appeared, there was such a feeling of relief and gratitude.
Now that they are really gone, we feel that loss so badly, and we know they are not going to reappear! That feeling of total loss, sadness, panic, hysteria is with me every day. I think in my mind that I am still searching for my husband. Sometimes I dream that we are out somewhere walking and I turn around to say something, and he has disappeared. I wake up sobbing since I realize, again, that he is not coming back.
It becomes a physical ache in my chest which I cannot seem to ease. It is almost unbearable, and I have to get up and try to shake it off. When someone asks about him, I get this lump in my throat and feel that I will cry if I talk about it.
I just read an article entitled, "the Myth of Closure". It states that if you lose someone you love deeply, there is NEVER closure. This may not be what we want to hear, but I, after over a year, truly believe that our pain is not going to ever go away. Ease maybe, but will never really ever be gone.
I wonder, at times, if that word "happiness" will ever touch me again; I am beginning to doubt it. I cannot imagine feeling any kind of joy in my lifetime.
Maybe we really do not want the pain to go since then we would not have loved as much as we thought. That old saying that grief is the price we pay for loving deeply is really the sad truth.
Now that they are really gone, we feel that loss so badly, and we know they are not going to reappear! That feeling of total loss, sadness, panic, hysteria is with me every day. I think in my mind that I am still searching for my husband. Sometimes I dream that we are out somewhere walking and I turn around to say something, and he has disappeared. I wake up sobbing since I realize, again, that he is not coming back.
It becomes a physical ache in my chest which I cannot seem to ease. It is almost unbearable, and I have to get up and try to shake it off. When someone asks about him, I get this lump in my throat and feel that I will cry if I talk about it.
I just read an article entitled, "the Myth of Closure". It states that if you lose someone you love deeply, there is NEVER closure. This may not be what we want to hear, but I, after over a year, truly believe that our pain is not going to ever go away. Ease maybe, but will never really ever be gone.
I wonder, at times, if that word "happiness" will ever touch me again; I am beginning to doubt it. I cannot imagine feeling any kind of joy in my lifetime.
Maybe we really do not want the pain to go since then we would not have loved as much as we thought. That old saying that grief is the price we pay for loving deeply is really the sad truth.
Views: 227
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by brenda mcintyre on
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Maxey, I can relate to everything that you have written. I truly believe I will never really be happy again and that life is over for me at this point. There may be happy or joyous things that happen but I died when he died. all I do is cry and think of him, still in disbelief that I will never see him , talk to him, kiss him, or touch him again in this physical life. even though the words do not help and they feel so trivial to say , I am sorry for your loss and I share the feelings of agony and despair.
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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on
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Maxey,
It has almost 4 years for me and I agree with you, I will never have closure until I take my last breath and happiness will never touch me again ever. My Julian, was the love of my life, he is all that I lived for. I was so glad when he retire at 62 so I had him with me everyday until he died of cancer at age young 76, he was full of life as both of us were kids at heart. I miss him everyday.
Linda
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Permalink Reply by Pamela philipp on
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maxey I absolutely agree with you 100% it's coming up up on 16 months since I lost my husband and I have never been more broken than I am now and I agree also I don't think it ever gets better for me it seems to be getting worse the longer I'm with out him the worse I feel
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Hi, Pamela,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I am at 15 months,and I think this second year is worse that the first if that is possible! The second year seems to cement the fact that our beloveds are really gone. Some days the thought of that just bears down on me, and crying and sadness overwhelms.
Hopefully, we will see our loves when our time comes; that thought, and only that, gives me some hope. Nothing else seems to matter at this point in my life.
I wish you peace. Maxey -
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Maxey that is such a great way to put these feelings and I can relate so much.
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Permalink Reply by Angela renteria on
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Your statement is so true and it hits home. I find that I am searching for my husband and my dad. I was there when my husband passed and helped to groom him for his viewing but I still feel sometimes like he is out there somewhere and I need to find him. Many dreams I have had consists of us being together and then he disappears and then I try to call him but I can't dial the number correctly. Or that I am visiting my dad and he wants to show me something and I follow him but then I can't keep up with how fast he is walking and then he disappears. I would give anything to have them back. Anything to have my husband walk through the door. I miss him so much and there is nothing I can do except live out the rest of this life and I only do so for my children. Being happy or thinking of a future just doesn't seem possible anymore. I am 38 and all the plans we had are never going to happen. It feels like a life sentence.
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Permalink Reply by annjulie on
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ive had the same kind of dreams too, dailing a number to reach my boyfriend who has passed and i cannot get the number right. sorry for ur loss
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I am sorry for your loss as well.
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Angela
For the first few months after the passing of my husband I felt the same way, that my husband was out there and I needed to find him. It was such a surreal feeling. Everywhere I would go, every time I was in a crowd, I would scan the room just looking for him.
It didnt start until about 4 months or so after his passing, probably because the majority of the time before that was spent in shock at home. But I really remember that feeling so distinctly of looking for him. I bet I irritated the people I was with because I could never focus on them, just the room, scanning the room constantly.
It's been 14 months now, and while the searching has subsided, there are times that it still hits me full force that he is never coming back. There are days that I go through and everything is fine and then I realize the reality that he is never walking back through the door.
And I understand how you feel about now this life feels like a life sentence. I am just literally waiting to die, because there is nothing left for me without him.
((hugs to you))
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Thank You so much for your reply. I know the feeling all too well about getting through the day. Sometimes, I just sleep until I must finally get up and face the day. I will keep praying also since it does help. Hopefully, the Lord will help us through the days ahead until, as you said, we can rejoin our beloveds.
Peace, Maxey -
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