My husband died on 6/19/2016, this was Father's Day and exactly one month after his 60th birthday, I can't go into all the co-morbidities which he had but I am not sure how I feel. Grief has taken me from the very depths of despair where I felt that I could not take another minute without George, then I realize just how blessed I was to have someone who loved me without any conditions- he just loved me, faults and all. As much as this is a blessing, at times this blessing is a comfort and other times it makes the pain even more. I have 2 adult children who live with me and the three of us have been a help to one another. We all have outside support groups and have found that the groups understand either because they are faith-based ( I was not religious in anyway or form prior to my husband's death) or because the groups are specifically for bereavement.

I am not sure if time heals or is time makes survival necessary. I work and the interaction with people has helped me as has going to the gym and other activities- I do not want to be a worrisome burden to my children, plus I feel the extra worry of being their surviving parent and I feel the additional stress of remaining healthy at the age of 61.

There are days when I think I have grief under control and then there are days when I am totally loss and although I know intuitively that we all did everything that we did to obtain the best doctor's, medication and we really diligent about taking care my George, I feel guilty ; as if there was one more thing that I could have done to save him.

I know George would be proud to see the things that the children and I have accomplished while he was gone - staying in the house that he was committed to us buying last year, re-caulked a bathroom, got the bills under control, doing everything that he wanted- I would give it all to have him back.

I say all this because I am going through a roller coaster of emotions this Christmas. We put up a tree and are happy because it is beautiful but am sad when we see the ornament which has out 4 names on it because we are missing one. It is this co-existence of still being able to experience joy in some parts of our lives while  having the same events bring a deep feeling of despair because George is not here to see them.

I pray for us all