Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on August 13, 2016 at 2:45pm

Barbara,

I wear my wedding ring.  I believe I always will.  I go shopping , come into our house and  say, "I'm home John".  I know he isn't here.  I talk to him and tell him what's happening in our world.  You are not alone in the way that you feel.  I know John's  spirit is in our home.  I almost feel more comfortable here than I did when he was alive.  Sometimes I'm pretty good.  Other times I cry at anything.  I have no idea how I have lived day to day without him.  I don't sit in his chair all day as I used too.  I get out a bit.  Grief counselling was good for me.  Talking to people who had gone through the same thing because  NO ONE else wants to hear me talk about him, I make people uncomfortable.  John believed when you die, you die.....there is nothing else.  I hope he was wrong.  Believe me, somehow it does get easier. 

God Bless!

Permalink Reply by Angela renteria on August 16, 2016 at 12:11am

I know what you mean by making people uncomfortable. I can just mention Danny like saying we used to do this or he loved that and my best friend seems to get antsy like she doesn't want to hear it. So I don't say much . I feel like it's a little unfair after all he just passed 8 weeks ago . It's just seems like no one wants to hear it so that's why I am on the site .only a person who has lost there loved one or spouse can understand the pain and not just emotional but there is truly a physical pain that I feel and can't  describe. One thing I could say is that it's a ache and a stabbing pain in my heart . My head pounds and feel this ever time I think about him not being here on this earth ever again.

Permalink Reply by Fran on August 13, 2016 at 2:55pm

I, too, continue to wear my wedding ring. I would feel strange without it!
In November it will be 2 years since Bill died. I don't pray to go join him like I used to, but, if something were to happen, I'd gladly join him. I fill my days with what some people would say is wasting time. I read, I watch TV, I meet friends for lunch or a walk, I work in my garden. I gave up work and retired because I didn't think I could handle the stress. We have to do what we feel is best for us...You are not alone, Barbara.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on August 13, 2016 at 3:06pm

Fran,

I am living my life as you are and I don't feel it is a waste.  I do whatever I want when I want.  I hate people telling me that I need to get out more.  I get out of the house enough for me.  We loved our home.  Always will, this is where I feel the best.  John would be proud of the way I have handled things. He always said I had no idea how smart I am.  At least I've taken care of all the legal things etc.  There is no other man for me.  I know that I won't fall in love again.  Let people walk in our shoes before they start to give advice.  I'm not morose anymore, John wouldn't have wanted that for me. I feel I am lucky to have had the love of my husband for as long as I did. 

Permalink Reply by Denise on August 13, 2016 at 3:36pm

Barbara - thank you for your post because it makes sense to me. At this point, barely 2 months after my husband died I know I will never remarry or look for another man to fill his shoes nor will I stop wearing my wedding rings. I noticed the people who tell me to move on or hint I should stop wearing my wedding ring are people who still have their spouses and have no clue as to how we feel. But yet on my good days, they question if I am ok, go figure. I do go out daily because I have a job that I need and enjoy plus I am involved with other activities and do not want to get stuck... but that works for me and I would NEVER try to tell another person where they should be or what they should do. And yes, I do speak to George daily. Be it when I enter the house, or driving to work or when I think I can not take another minute without him.

For now, my communications with him help me cope while I am here.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 13, 2016 at 3:46pm

I feel much the same as you do, in some ways. My husband and I are married, and always will be. I will never remove our rings (I wear both his and mine).  I will never "date" anyone else.  I just want this hellish life to end as soon as possible; I am not even surviving, it's just that my body unfortunately hasn't yet died. My husband died nearly 4 years ago, and nothing has changed for me, and nothing ever will, until I can be with him again.

You aren't crazy -- why should you "let go"?  He is your love, your husband. In my opinion, "letting go" would be crazy.

I don't try or want to find ways to fill the day, but if you find that it helps you to do so, then continue doing it -- don't worry about what other people think. 

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on August 16, 2016 at 1:31pm

Barbara,  Nothing you are doing or saying seems crazy to me.  I found out at Grief Sessions that I am not alone in the  things I do, say and think.  They are the only people I can talk too without giving me "The Look".  "I wish she would shut up, she's making me uncomfortable, etc."  I hate it.  I can't even talk to my children.  People think I should be over my grief by now.  Not in a lifetime. 

When I pray, I always tell him, "As long as I live, you will live.  As long as I live you will be loved."

I talk to his picture and kiss it each night.  It's been almost eight months.  I am dumbfounded that people feel WE should forget our spouses, people we have lived a lifetime with and loved more than can be put into words.

We are all in this together and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

If there is an afterlife, I want to spend it with my husband.

Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on August 17, 2016 at 3:56pm

I've pretty much turned into a slug since Rocky died almost 5 months ago. I can spend weekends and other days off and never get dressed, or brush my teeth or do my hair. Who cares? My kids live so far away.

I too find this urge to call out, or reach out to Rocky. It just seems so natural since if anything happened at work or anywhere else I would call or text him. The urge for this is overwhelming. I still post things on his facebook page.

Do some of us get stuck? I feel very stuck in this hole. So alone all the time. It's making me weird.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 17, 2016 at 4:48pm

Same here, kathleen. On my days off, I don't go anywhere unless I have to (taking my Mom to a doctor's appt., or buying groceries, etc.).  I have to get up around 7 or 8 am every day in order to feed our cat and give him his hyperthyroid medicine (it's given orally, mixed into his food), so I do get up and do that, and then on my days off I go right back to bed afterwards. On those days, it's not uncommon for me to then sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, or occasionally later than that. I would always rather be asleep than awake, because unless I'm having a nightmare, when I'm sleeping I'm not generally aware that my husband is dead.

I don't usually get dressed or shower or anything on those days, either. I do brush my teeth before I go to bed at night, but not always in the morning (on my days off).  Even when I work, I only shower 2 or 3 times a week.  I generally have off Wed., Sat. & Sun.; I prefer to shower at night, so usually I shower on Sunday night and Wednesday night, so I don't stink at work.

I think a fair number of people do "get stuck" as you put it.  I don't understand how it could be otherwise, for people whose soulmate/spouse/partner died.  I can kind of understand how some people might want to "move on with their lives" if someone dies who held a somewhat less important/essential place in their life.  Of course, that would be different for each person -- but an aunt with whom they weren't very close, for example, or a friendly acquaintance, or really any relative/friend with whom they weren't very close or didn't truly love.  And/or, maybe some people just don't fully invest themselves in their relationships, or at least not in all of them.  But for me, my relationship with my husband is the most important relationship of my life [along with my relationship with my sister; with my relationships with my parents running an extremely close second, as well as my relationship with my brother-in-law (sister's husband), with whom I am also quite close].

Anyway -- yes, I am stuck. There is no other way for me to be.

Permalink Reply by Ruthie on September 7, 2016 at 9:05am

I am at 8 months and it is good that you are finding ways to stay busy.  I work full time for another six years and on the weekends--I just lay in bed and sleep.  I admire how you force yourself to keep busy--I will try and maybe it will help in some way. I do like watching movies--they take me away.  Take care, Ruthie