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Comment by Judy Kemp on February 6, 2011 at 10:07am

Woke up today saying i was going to be better things were going to get done ha what a joke. The first thing i picked up belonged to my husband he was always leaving things lay around havent gone in our bedroom now in 2 yrs my hope was to finally be able to go in that room and maybe start to pack up some of his things needless to say it didnt go well ... havent been able to move on feeling like iam hanging on by a thread sometimes but i need to do this if not for me then for the kids need to stop living in the past for them.I cannt tell them how much i hate being in this house with out there dad or how no matter what i do things havent changed in the last 2 yrs for me anyway come May it will be 3yrs and still i cannt sleep in our bed or go in that room dont know how i make it thru each day but somehow i manage....when i walked in our room today i seen his shirt laying on the foot of the bed picking it up holding it to my chest i cryed again for my lost he was my world and not sure how to go on anymore so tried of the pain and lonelyness. My friends check on me to make sure iam doing okay but all that dose is make me more depress been taking anti depression meds now for a year cannt seem to get my live back on track with out him. I know a lot of you say that god has help you but not me i blame him for this if he is so good then why is there cancer in the world to take our loved ones why would he let them suffer the why he did my husband i dont know if i can belive in a god who would let so many suffer and die a slow death like this the pain and hurt is so deep and so much and i lay it all on his doorstep if there is a god that is loving ive yet to see that not after how it let my Brian died slowly wasting away to nothing how am i going to deal with this if i still cannt even go in our room have been sleeping on the couch now sents Brian passed way. The kids want me to sleep in my own room now and i cannt go in there with out crying so today i shut the door and locked it because i know i could never return to my life without him. Thinking i may have to sell the house just to keep my mind memories of us and our family live on in this house when we first moved in candle light dinners dancing in front of the fireplace loving each other bring our childern home from the hospital holidays and such so many memories i just dont know how to let go afriad that if i do i wouldnt be able to get my self back under control and i need to stay in control of my feelings now or i think i would just lay down and never get up again.God could have stop this pain and sorrow if he would just had not givin the world cancer  if he can control all then why did he give this to us to deal with ive gone thru so much and if it hadnt been for Brian i dont think i could have made it as far as i did now for the last 5 yrs of his life we were together 24/7 never leaving his side always there for him even in the hospital i stay with him still can not go back to that hospital the pain i feel just driving by is beyound painful i still can hear the drs saying that he was getting better that i could take him home the next day that night he died in my arms he never made it back home he never seen the next day remembering how bad it was that day then when i finally get home i get a call from the hospital wanting to harvest Brians organs they didnt even look at his charts to find out that he had cancer before calling me it hurt so bad to lose him but then to have the hospital brush it off like that and not check to see how or why they passed before calling was very hard to deal with i just finished paying off his funneral and hurt so bad no i cant turn to the one person who cause this  the one that is to give us comfort also give the desease that killed my Brian i know i shouldnt feel this way but i do  very much so blame him for all our suffering . I keep thinking why him why not someone on death row for murder ar child abuse why take a good man from us and still i have

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on February 5, 2011 at 11:20pm

everything piling up at once and the extreme hurt is bringing it all out, and its not healthy....I'm not sure how I am going to deal with any of the situations....if I had relief physically, and knew in my heart that I am not going to die from this or that its not so serious, then I could probably deal better with all the rest of things....

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on February 5, 2011 at 11:15pm

thanks for the hope of peace Jeannie....it sure would be nice....I am crying as I write this....I am a complete mess....healthwise, its not completely certain what I am dealing with, but its serious....I have been having bad chest pressure that has lasted about 2 weeks, my heart was checked and its ok, but something is very wrong....no relief, no meds work, and its not an emotional cause....its physical....you can let me know what you are dealing with too....thats the main thing for me right now, but thats enough, because I cant rest....I am just going through the motions, I dont know how I will ever happy....then last night I found out the guy I was seeing is seeing someone else, and I cant deal with it, I mean its too much....I dont understand the situation, I cant let go, I was so happy with him....everything is just a mess....and Michael its not so much the cancer that took my mom, its just her gone period....I cant call her, well even if she was alive, she would be so stressed and upset about my health condition....I dont know how this is going to get better....its more than I can bear

Comment by michael sandoval on February 5, 2011 at 10:05pm

I also don't feel like my oldself. Cancer has a way of robbing us of our funny

Comment by Jeannie Porter on February 5, 2011 at 9:07pm

if u do not mind,i ask as I have sever health issues..what are you dealing with on top of all the other things going on..Tears a way of life now i am begining to learn..My happy went to hell in a hand basket awhile back,,I am not sure what it might actually feel like. I used to..I was the clown,the jokester..no longer..So I just walk forward trying to make a plan...any kind of plan where I can complete a task a day. Wishing u some bit of peace.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on February 5, 2011 at 4:51pm

I'm not myself either Jeannie, I'm not happy, I'm depressed, way overwhelmed, cant find anything to be joyful about to try and get me through....its too much....the person I used to be was so happy, content, everything going well....I had a great relationship with a guy, now thats gone and I am more than devastated, then when mom died....my contendedness and happiness left, she was my life force....I dont know how a person recovers....its like I have experienced two deaths now....the boyfriend thing was a shock, something I learned last night actually, and all night I was a basketcase not being able to deal with the information and the situation....I rested a bit today, but I cant relax cause my health is bad....I'm sorry to talk all about me, I'm just saying that I know how you guys feel....I just want to know how to get strong and get through this instead of just giving up and giving in

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on February 5, 2011 at 4:40pm

Michael it is hard, and I too cried all night and all day today, no sleep, I even went to a restaurant to eat and broke down there because the feelings are right on the surface....I have too much on my plate....I have a bad health problem thats scaring me, and I just want my  health to be ok so I can deal with all the other things....I'm sorry for your crying episode, it gets like that, but you need to get it out, even though its not good to cry too much or your health will suffer....so I know how you feel, we were in the same boat last night....mine was grief, but being overwhelmed about other bad things happening in my life, just too much to handle....too much to bear....I cant handle one more bad thing....

Comment by Jeannie Porter on February 5, 2011 at 12:51pm

I am sorry,I get that out the blue smack right about the time I think"i can do this" Then the wash of pain and loniness wash away the smile of "ahhh I remember that moment" I am a little over 3 ish months in from when my Paige died. I died..the me everyone knew. They may think that person is here but I am gone.! I am sooo lonely that if a parade came through my living room I would still be alone..I would slap the clown as he passed however. )..I have tried setting up a this is what I will do today. So I painted the masterbed room making it into a more tropical feeling( Like when in Hawaii) So I have us there. Hopeing that will help. I have taken her cloths out of the closet as I can not walk past them every day.. I have her favorite shirts being made into a quilt. so I can wrap her around me every day. Everything else (there is alot o shi----in this house will just have to wait. This summer I'll have a"estate" sale i'll call it and have friend run it and sell the most that they can,,and I shall keep and cherish the rest. I shall not ever let my heart gaurd down again..I did not want to 17yrs ago..but it happened. I am grateful but never again. Besides no one wants a old used up body attached to a iliosstomy bag. see she did not see that. She acted like that was just another thing about me she loved.. I hate it but it kept me alive after my colon stopped working. See I fell off the roof ,broke my neck in 92 and have had 23 spinal and cervical screws and rod operations since. # stomach resections because of their med.fubars.. I should be the dead one not Paige. She had the stuff life is made of. She had the tiger by the tail,she should be here loving me and all of you here..thats what she would have done ........................I am LOST>>>>> P.S I can not figure how to get a picture on here?   Colorado Jeannie 

Comment by michael sandoval on February 5, 2011 at 12:08pm

Dear Jessica, Rachel and all,
This page is great to share our feelings. Last night I had a horrible crying episode, which my therapist calls a "flashback.". I was driving home after work and I was fine. Then out of nowhere I was thinking of Denise, thinking how wonderful she was and still is. That maybe she's an angel or heavenly being. And that she's watching over me, like my gaursian angel, cause she was like that here, she would be like that in heaven too. And suddendly I felt great sadness welling up inside and my smile turned to a frown and within seconds I was reliving something horrible that I can't even remember now. But I cried and cried and screamed and screamed. If I hadn't been on the freeway I would have pulled over. It was the worst episode in a while, althought they are all bad, this seemed overwhelming. I felt extremly lonly and helpless. It was horrible. I finally remembered to think of my therapists office and tried to come back to the here and now. But Denise is not here now, so the here and now is not so comforting. Oh this is hard.

Comment by Jessica Manning on February 5, 2011 at 11:49am

Prob 2 of the biggest things I feel is : Missing my dad's hugs (and going to school where my dad worked...) + Feeling alone in the sea of people. Even w/ my roommates at college, I feel SO alone, I have times of laughter but deep in my soul I feel SO alone [even tho i have Jesus] Ugh. Grief and Loss sucks! Wish I didn't have to deal w/ this. I'm not looking forward to Easter break-- it would've been my dad's year for Easter(my parents were divorced) && it will bring back all last year's memories of the 10 days before he died. I dont wanna go thru my b-day... I just feel so lonely. I wish I had him again. I dont miss him putting me down or hurting my family but I miss his smile, his eyes, his hugs, his cards...

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