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Comment by anna l. on May 31, 2012 at 7:08pm

Kim, hugs to you.  It has been a really short time since you lost your friend.  I can tell you I was worse the second month and third month after my husband died than I was right after.  It was as if my mind just couldnt handle all the pain and shut down.  I refer to it as being on auto pilot.  I think it was part shock as well.  When I started coming out of that state of shock it was horrid!!  I think you might be experiencing something similiar.  It will get somewhat better as time goes on. 

Comment by Kim Phillips on May 31, 2012 at 12:10pm

I thought as time passed the days would get easier but it is only getting harder.  Each day I find my self crying more and isolating myself more.  Where ever I go it reminds me of her.  Whatever I do reminds me of her. I talk to her and answer myself in my head thinking it is her.  The pain at times is overbearing.  I lost the other half of myself.  I don't know who I am now.  I am so sorry to all those who have lost a loved one.  I understand what everyone is feeling.  Blessings and love. 

Comment by Debra Wick on May 31, 2012 at 10:45am

Yes Mary, we HAVE to believe it will get better! I bagged up Bob's clothes today. It was the most pain I have felt since his passing, absolutely heart-wrenching. My dogs sat and stared at me while I sobbed, like they had done something wrong. It is over now, but I have to admit it caused a setback. Was listening to some sad music, then suddenly "felt" Bob and blasted out Alice Cooper's No More Mr. Nice Guy. What-tha?! Oh well, he would laugh at that. Hang in there! Xox

Comment by Mary M. on May 31, 2012 at 10:23am

Wow.  Seems like all our loved ones were more concerned about those of us left behind than they were about dying.  I know my husband held on longer than he should have because he was worried about me being left alone.   He was the one that always saw the bright spot in every situation.  So while I know he would want me to go on with my life I just can't seem to.   Its only been a few months and hopefully this will get easier.  My aunt and I talked yesterday and she lost her husband in August last year .. and kept telling me it does get easier to move on.  Clinging to that right now.

Comment by Debra Wick on May 30, 2012 at 10:27pm

Karen, your story saddens me so. Mine is similar. I lost my precious Bob, at age 63, to liver cancer on December 22, 2011. He had his first ER visit on August 12 and was diagnosed September 30. Fortunately no one led us to believe he would survive. His biggest fear throughout the whole nightmare was how I was going to survive without him. And here I am, five months alone. I miss him so much and I feel like my life is just going through the motions. Glad you are here, we can get through this together. We just need to keep doing as we know they would want us to. Hugs <3

Comment by Karen Waldrop on May 30, 2012 at 9:32pm

Tonight I type my first entry on this sight. I have read many of the comments that are here, shared by all of you who are suffering, as am I. I relate to the feelings that you have expressed, especially Joni - our stories are similar. However, I want to share with you all a lesson that my late husband taught me and that I feel compelled to share. He loved life more than anyone I have ever known. He never let anything get him down. When he was given the news of his diagnosis, even at the end, it was not dying that worried him, it was not living - he did not worry about this for himself but for the rest of us, the loved ones he would be leaving behind. So, although I still mourn, I think about what my husband would want for us. He would want for us to go on; to live our lives. That is what would make him proud. These are the thoughts that help get me through my days.

Comment by joni on May 30, 2012 at 7:48pm

Thank you all for support and kind comments....glad to know I'm not alone on this journey.....today was one of the most painful days since he died....I sobbed most of the way from south Florida all the way to Georgia. We traveled a lot and must have been up and down that road 100 times. Everything took me back, from our first trip to the last. Every restaurant, hotel , gas station...sometimes it felt like I couldn't breathe....and the whole process starts all over again, why god why!!! The anger pain guilt are once again my constant companions. It just hurts so much... God help us all to get through this pain......comfort and love to all....joni

Comment by Debra Wick on May 29, 2012 at 11:00pm

I had stopped my belief in God several years ago and had some very good discussions about that with the Hospice Chaplain. He is a wonderful, caring person and understood all of what I said. I told him it felt good to not have any God to be mad at. I was so relieved to be free of that betrayal that many feel. I have a strong spirituality and have been visited by Bob's spirit three times during the five months he has been gone.

Comment by Mary M. on May 29, 2012 at 9:39pm

Thanks for sharing Stephanie, I too was angry and did a lot of yelling at God, crying out my anger, my pain, and even my guilt.  Although I still don't understand why my husband had to get sick, suffer so much and pass from this World I am not as angry anymore.   I take time these days to pray for others, those that are still fighting cancer, and those, like me, who are left behind to grieve and try to figure out life without their loved one.  It has given me something else to focus on rather than only on my loss.  It helps though to know that I was not alone at berating God and telling him in no uncertain terms what I thought of his plan for my life.  Thank you.

Comment by Kim Phillips on May 29, 2012 at 7:54pm

Stephanie you could not have said it any better.  I lost my best friend and soulmate two weeks ago.  I am going through what you went through about the anger with God.  Thank you so so so much for sharing that.  I can relate.

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