Hi, I'm new to this site.
I lost my husband of 22 years to Prostate cancer in January 2012 and then my dad died unexpectedly the following May of Lung cancer. I was extremely close to my dad, he was my rock. I had what I can only describe as a breakdown afterwards and am only just starting to recover from it. Cancer is evil and I detest it! I cared for my husband during his illness and watching him slowly dying was just horrific. He was only 56. When I look back on it it seems like a dreadful nightmare, and I sometimes go through it all in my mind because at the time, I was in a world of my own and it seemed unreal. I can remember every detail of his last 24 hours as if it was yesterday, even the very small events. And the pain I felt when he died was the worst pain imaginable. I've never ever felt pain like it in my entire life. I remember I just wanted to know where he'd gone. I felt as if he had left without saying goodbye to me. In fact we did have three good weeks just before he became very ill when we talked and remininsced about the good times and it was as if we said our goodbyes then. I never understood what losing a loved one was like until then, and now I know that we never recover from it but we learn to live with the pain. Obviously not long after that I realised that my dad was very ill and fortunately he was only bedridden for 5 days. He had kept it secret from us all ( my sister, my mum and myself) and I think he is the bravest man I ever knew to cope with lung cancer alone. How he managed to hide it from us all is a miracle. He was 87 years old but he wasn't like an old man at all, very Young in his outlook. We thought the pain he was in was from his arthritis. It was only when he started to lose weight and stopped eating that we all realised how ill he actually was. He had a very strong faith and was always reading his prayer book or Blake's poetry, and I think that gave him the strength to cope. We were all with him when he passed and he died at home which is where he wanted to be, so I am pretty sure that it all happened as he wanted it to ie. No fuss. I still can't believe he's gone and at times I felt angry at him for leaving me when I needed him most. But we don't have any control over where or when our loved ones leave us and anyway, I know both my dad and my husband are still around me.
Sorry I've gone on a bit. Thanks.