Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Crystal M on October 21, 2010 at 10:26pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that nothing I say will make the pain go away, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I know what it is like to lose someone to cancer, and I hate it, it is the worst. It has been 12 years since my Aunt passed away from cancer. The thing that sucks the most is that the pnuemonia from her weakened immune system is what took her. It took a year and half from the time she was diagnosed. My Aunt was a strong person. She went through a bad brain surgery in the 50's where they cut off her equilibrium trying to remove a brain tumor that wasn't there. She was in a wheel chair for about the last 15 or 20 years of her life from the progression of poor balance, but she didn't let it effect her happiness. Then she was diagnosed with diabetes about five years before she passed. She still didn't let that get her down. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I was 9 years old. When I heard cancer all I could think of was death. I was scared for her and I remember cuddling up with her that night, and she told me that I could help her fight it just by being there. I was with her every chance that I could get. The best memories of my childhood were with her, and that year and a half that I had left with her are full of great and also unpleasant memories that I will never forget. I hated seeing her hair fall out and her getting sick. Her last run of chemo before her death was the worst. It made her body so weak. She couldn't talk and I remember that we had to clear her throat for her and rub water on her lips with those little sponges. She lost so much weight and I couldn't stand the waiting. They decided to take her home and at the time I didn't understand hospice, so I thought she was going home to get better, and the night before she died I was supposed to go over there, but my mom wouldn't let me. When she passed I blamed my parents for not letting me see her. We sat there with her until the coroner came, and it was like she was sleeping. Finally, she was at peace and no longer in pain. That was one of the hardest things that I have experienced, and I hope that I never have to lose someone to cancer again. It is horrible, and you are right, it is ugly. You dont want to remember the way they looked and all that they went through. It took me a few years to get the bad images out of my head, and now I remember the good times more than anything else. I don't cry unless I go to her grave. I am sorry for going on and on. I couldn't imagine losing my father, especially to cancer. I hope that your life will soon feel some sort of normalcy again and I will pray that you and your family can heal.

Permalink Reply by Annette on October 22, 2010 at 6:48pm

@Crystal: Thanks so much for sharing. Just goes to show that even years later, it still hurts. I still remember going into the hospice room right after Dad passed, and how surreal it was. It was like looking at a statue. I almost didn't recognize him, even though I had been near him for weeks. I am so thankful that I (and my siblings) were all there that week in hospice. I held his hand a lot as he grew weaker, feeling his pulse grow weaker. A few hours before he passed, we were all called up to the room (fortunately all my family could stay in the lower level of the hospice cottage). My sister and I held his hands as he was seeing things he couldn't. Weak as he was, he kept trying to get out of bed. My sister and I held on until the morphine kicked in again and he settled down...his last words were "best friends." I still remember that clearly, how he repeated it as if reassuring himself. I'm tearing up just writing about it, sheesh. I try to go back to good memories, but it takes work. I just have to practice, I guess. I know Dad's not suffering anymore, but I am still upset at how he had to do so. Deep breaths!

Permalink Reply by Crystal M on October 23, 2010 at 9:42pm

It does take time to have the good memories. Right now, his death is still like an open wound, but with time it heals. After a wound heals, you still have a scar, but it doesn't hurt like it did before. Sometimes, I wish that I could wrap my arms around my aunt and I start sobbing like a baby, but those are rare. I still think of her everyday, but I remember little things like playing cards with her. Her favorite card game was war and we would play it for hours. Sometimes I smell the powder that she used, and I believe that it is her letting me know that she is still here. Your father will always be with you in some way. It is good that you could be there, and he knew you were there with him, which I am sure made it easier for him to let go. Sometimes it feels like you don't want to have the memory of being there, but as time goes on you realize that you were able to say goodbye and it helps the healing process. Always remember too, that you will heal in your own time, so don't let anyone tell you that it is time to move on.

Permalink Reply by dianne Ribbentrop on October 29, 2010 at 4:21pm

Anette Yes its very ugly I lost my only love 6 months ago stage 4 Lang Cancer- it had spread- He smoked 1 pack or less 50 yrs He died just like his dad. I tried to get him to stop- but he was' hooked' on the evil cancer sticks. I watched him die before my eyes But I am not sorry - He deserved that and more.
Now My future looks dismal. Scared of what might come. Our daughter- son and grandson helped a lot during his illness. back rubs- talks- stories to make him feel not so bad. 46 yrs went by like nothing. Gone 6 months
but feels like years. My best friend is gone forever Nights are so hard I go to a grief group
We all sound the same try to live one day at a time Thats all I can say for now Bless you