Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Elaine Ewalt on May 27, 2011 at 7:12pm

I understand that.  I didn't want my dad alone either.  not sure if you read what happened with my dad but he was talking one minute,  went to potty and died standing up in my arms.  I watched my mom die too and that I really do try to forget.  I am glad I was holding my dad.  I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Permalink Reply by Elke on May 27, 2011 at 8:46pm

I did read it... I felt like he felt safe with you so he could pass in your arms. I really believe people pass when they choose.. well, at least the thought helps....

Permalink Reply by Elaine Ewalt on May 27, 2011 at 9:03pm

you may be right about that one. 

Permalink Reply by Stefanie Parise on August 11, 2011 at 5:10pm

I agree with this. It doesn't always happen this way, but when someone is fighting with a disease for such a long time.. they can sometimes decide when they want to stop the battle. I feel like my Dad did just this.. all his daughters were out of the home and I think he felt like we would all be okay without him (I mean in the sense of independence). I don't feel okay without him..but I know I can just keep living. Anyway, that is really sweet that he died in your arms, Elaine. He must have felt so secure in his last moments, and he is lucky to have a daughter like you to have been there for him!

Permalink Reply by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 2, 2011 at 3:55pm

Elke, Hi.  I think I told you before that I missed my dad dying, and I regret that and probably always will.  Because of that experience, I think I might, maybe, understand what you are feeling.  Having that experience of being there when he dies, well, it left you with no questions.  You knew exactly what happened.  You know whether he suffered or was pain free.  You know whether he was scared or at peace.  You know the truth, and that truth brings something, not peace but something, that makes it more real, more intimate, more comforting, etc.  And, you know that he found comfort from you being there instead of being alone.  And, I think that may be why you don't want for forget any of it even if it hurts.  I am glad you have those memories even if they hurt, because as they hurt I think they also relieve some of the pain at the same time as ironic as that might seem.  I wish I would have stayed with my dad that night.  I have so many regrets for that.  Thank God that you don't have regrets.  Thank God you were there with him.  And, I don't think there is anything wrong with remembering even if it hurts.  When you don't need to remember any more, the memories will stop being so frequent.  But, right now you must need to remember, so allow yourself to do that until your psyche lets you know you don't need to any more.  I've gone numb and will not let the memories in.  I stay busy all the time, and it is taking it's toll on me.  My energy levels are low and everything else.  So, I think it is good to be in a place where you are strong enough to feel the pain and allow yourself the painful memory.  You are a very strong person, and I long for your strength.

Permalink Reply by Elke on June 2, 2011 at 4:09pm

I think no matter how something happened, or didnt' happen.. there's always regret and pain.  I had to make the choice to take my father off life support, and also to not have my mother (alzsheimers) and sister (cerebral palsey) be there as I thought it would traumatize them too much.  Since I had POA, I was the only one to make every decision... I know he would have trusted me to do it for him, but I just never thought I would have to as his little daughter.  My regrets are did I do the right thing? Did I 'kill' him before he was ready? Did I give him enough time to get better or not?  Is this truly what he wanted? Sadly, all this was my decision, not his... I can only hope he's ok with it.. that's my regret... I got some peace of being there, but not at peace at being the one who had to make that choice...

Permalink Reply by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 2, 2011 at 4:31pm

Elke, I think you are right - there is regret and pain no matter what.  I also had POA for my dad but only relayed his decisions as he was in his right mind until the very end.  I guess I am lucky in that I don't have the questions you have, but on the flip side I have the questions of: should I have pushed him more to Hospice instead of supporting him in his decision and had I done that would he have suffered less.  So, I guess that takes us back to what you said in your last message - we will always have regret and pain no matter how it happened.  I guess we are in one of the stages of grief that makes us see it this way no matter how it happened or no matter how many other ways there are of looking at it.  Don't know what stage of grief that is as I don't really know what they are, but we must be in one of them as we are both having the same feelings even though our situations were quite different.  If I am right, maybe there is hope in that this stage will pass and we will feel better some day.  I surely hope so.  I guess we need to just keep coming here and keep talking until we get it all out.

Permalink Reply by christianlee on September 14, 2011 at 7:06pm

I didn't make it to the hospital before my dad passed. I was too late. However when he died...I called my mom on the way...it was 11:11. And before I called her I phoned my brother..so even though my brother and I were not there with Mom at the hospital..we were all connected through the phone. You are lucky you were there. I got to see him after he passed and that was so hard. I relive that moment over and over. I didn't say goodbye.