My emotions are all jumbled up right now. I just had the one year anniversary of my grandma's death (my biological dad's mom) on Friday. The one year anniversary of my grandma (mom's mom) is this Friday. We just got through the 'first' of several significant things since the deaths of my grandmas and my stepdad (who passed in July): my son's birthday, my birthday, my daughter's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my stepdad's birthday, the new year. I don't even know what I'm feeling, or which loss I'm feeling it about. I barely had time to process one loss before another one came last year. And of course, with loss, it's not always as simple as I loved him/her and now I'm sad he/she is gone.
With my biological dad's mom, I had/have mixed emotions because that is the extremely alcoholic, physically abusive, sexually abusive family I was raised in until me and mom left my dad when I was 14. My relationship with that grandma, though it had improved and become more honest in recent years, is still a source of stress and emotional garbage. As is the relationship I have with 90% of the remaining family on that side. So, I haven't really grieved that loss because it is so bound up with other crap
Then there is the loss of my other grandma, whom I adored. I miss her, but also have not had the chance to properly grieve the loss. By the time I resolved some legal issues after the passing of my other grandma, which took until Memorial Day, my stepdad's health was in question and that took my focus. By the time we got him to the doctor, scheduled for all the tests, it was the end of June and on July 9th we found out it was end-stage cancer with no treatment options. We had him on hospice on the 10th, he passed on the 24th.
This loss hit me so hard. I have been a mess. I was pretty numbed out fand I guess in denial for the first two months or so, and was plenty busy doing all the things that my mom needed me to handle as far as thier property, bank accounts, etc. By the time I finished with most of that, I was feeling so angry. And, I was having to help my children to deal with all the loss and death they saw this year. And they miss their Papa so much it makes my heart hurt to see them when they are sad.
Now, we've gotten through our 'firsts' and I still haven't allowed myself to really grieve. I've had one or two good crying spells over the last five months, but mostly, I just feel dead inside. Then I feel angry, frustrated, irritated. Then I feel so depressed and sad. Then I think about all the loss my mom has suffered in the last 12 months and I feel so sad for her and worried about her. Then, I talk to her and she seems to be okay one day and lousy the next. I feel guilty if I ask her to help by watching the kids so I can get something done. I need to go see my therapist, but I feel guilty asking my mom to help out so I can go. I just don't want to burden her while she is greiving. But, at the same time, I really feel like I need to talk to her, ask her some questions about some things to help me greive. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to begin. I don't know if I can separate my grief by the people I've lost and work through each because I can't even focus enough to know what is upsetting me and making me irritable toward my kids and husband. I do pretty good with my kids throughout the day, but by the time my husband gets home, I've had my fill and I take it out on him. It's not fair to him and I know it, but I don't know where to start with all this. I just feel so overwhelmed.
Thanks for letting me share here.