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Permalink Reply by morgan on December 24, 2014 at 8:48pm

Wander,

If there was any way I could answer your question I would pour the words out and give you a way to find peace in your heart.  

My husband died 23 months ago.  I had to take him to the ER on this very Xmas eve day 2012 because he was feeling so sick.  He had been sick for awhile but we thought it was his diabetes.  Today I have relived those moments of what happened in that ER and how my life changed starting on this day two years ago. I have been collapsing all day long.  Since that day I have tried to do what society has recommended I do.  Problem is I can't.  At least not very well which is why I can feel what you are writing. 

I have no children, no god and a sibling and a friend who try to keep me up and going but on a day like today there is nothing that will reverse what I am enduring.  Pain like none I had ever imagined much less felt.  I too thought I was strong.  I was before.  Not now.  Now I am only managing…existing……moving from spot A to spot B.  

Everyone keeps saying how much better I seem.  True that.  At 8-9months I had sold our home after packing it all into a container and drove away from the home we shared.  Financially it was wise and emotionally I have found it doesn't matter where I live.  Location is not the issue. The story of where I was at your stage is one that you really don't want to know.

I don't want to have you feel like there is no hope at all but I also won't kid you about your train wreck.  The only thing that has given me any kind of chance at life is reading about how science feels we are all one interconnected cosmic whole and that somewhere, somehow in some close by dimension I am trying to believe my husbands energy is next to me.  It is difficult no matter how I try to give myself a reason to wonder why i have been left behind to suffer this loss.  I try to give myself a purpose.  Most of that has been staying busy and occupied to the point of mania.  All else revolves around the why of having to continue.

I really feel your pain. I can relate.   I feel your pain because you speak like I feel.  Honestly and without sugar coating.  

What do i do?

So far I have done little to help myself.  I have wanted to live my grief thinking that it is just a natural way for our bodies to deal with the trauma.  I have lost 35 lbs, my eyes are sagging, my heart is skipping a lot now, my throat and chest are hurting from the gasping of the constant crying.  I have times where I cannot think and I start stuttering because my brain is skipping its synapses. I sleep a tremendous amount or nothing at all.  My digestive functions are getting much worse. I am like you feeling totally lost.

Here's our dilemma.  Just maybe if we don't live our life out as it is now and we do something irreversible what if it is the only thing that would keep us from reuniting with our beloved.  I couldn't imagine how terrible that would be regardless of how painful it is now since all I can tell from this vantage point is we have this life and and we have eternity.  What if we are unable to connect to them because of a wrong choice we made here which is essentially a small amount of time.  So instead I just keep moving down this path the best I can.  Some days I can get out of my pi's and some days i cannot.  I have tried to find the means to bring in an income to add to my govt money (which is small) because I can no longer hold down a real job.  

I am responding to you to say that your plight is one that is something I struggle with daily.  You are not alone in that way.  I think this whole idea of "adapting" to the death of the loss of the most important person who ever touched our lives is BS.  It may get a tad bit easier to do the daily tasks of living but the feelings are always there.  I hear you when you ask "can I just go now"?  I wish there was a way to give ourselves a purpose to stay without all the mind machinations working at cross purposes.  This journey was not one I was prepared for.  I am never sure moment to moment whether I am taking the train, plane or automobile.  Just know that as a fellow traveller I know exactly how you are feeling.  I wish it was any other way but until that magic is revealed we are stumbling along and doing what the cosmos has delivered.  May we both find some peace.  

Morgan

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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on December 25, 2014 at 6:47am

I write poems to express my grief-hope this helps. Bless you

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 25, 2014 at 3:20pm

dont no why 

i asl why 2 why so mush multi loss

lost 2 musg in lst 2/3yrs i cnt sea 4or tears in my eyes

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