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Permalink Reply by Lisa Green on April 21, 2016 at 8:26am

Hi Mel, I am not in the same situation as you but I can relate in that I feel like this is what my Dad is experiencing. We lost my Mom two months ago and she was the rock for our family but in the most gentle and non judgmental way a person could ever be. My dad is very judgmental of others and so it's difficult to spend lots of time with him. He doesn't leave the house very often at all and sits all alone at home most days. He is able to drive still and he goes to Wendy's once a day to get something to eat or sits at home and eats bologna for dinner. He is a great cook but chooses not to since Mom passed. I'm very worried about him and his health. Grief can do awful things to our health. He is 71 years old. They were married for 51 years so he is obviously lost and lonely. I too am lost without my Mom but at least I have my husband and children to keep me busy and occupy my time. I call him everyday and go see him every Sunday but I know that's not enough. My sister also calls often and visits once or twice a week. I read an article the other day that says people who are isolated and lonely, are at a greater risk of developing dementia and/or Alzheimer's. This worries me greatly for him. I guess for you this would be the case too. Call friends and family as often as you can. The article also suggested doing things with your mind that you don't normally do like a word search book or crossword or math problems anything to exercise the mind. I don't know if this helps you in anyway but I hope you can get something from it. If you are able to get out but just can't drive, call a cab or uber and go to the store even if all you do is ride around in a cart or go to the movies or out to eat or to the park. My thinking is that the more you interact with people and get out of the house, the better. I hope something I've said will help you.   

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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on April 21, 2016 at 10:17am

Thank You Lisa, It sounds like I can relate to your Dad, although I'm not particularly judgemental. I am 68 and as I said unable to drive, at least for the next few months. I have a few good friends who are more than happy to help me out with a drive to lunch or a movie. The only regular meeting I enjoy now is my men's church group lunch every Tuesday. It is a welcome respite. I am trying to make it a regular habit to attend my Sunday church services as my wife would be glad I did. I am a hack songwriter/singer/guitarist and try to work at that on a daily basis...It seems to help me feel better when I finish. I do need to try to stimulate the old noggin with things like you suggested and will give that a try. I have 2 adult daughters in Illinois, I'm in Virginia, that i have trouble connecting with. I don't know what the problem is but I can't seem to get them to connect with me. One is working on a graduate degree so i imagine she's just too busy at the moment. I do have a cabbie friend who takes me places, off meter, which is nice. Thanks for your input it is indeed valuable and I appreciate your suggestions. I never thought about trips to the park and the library would be a good idea as well, Thanks. The loneliness is the real killer, it just gnaws at me and is very much like a waking nightmare. My wife and I were equally dependent on each other and were pretty much the others main friend and confidante.  God Bless You! 

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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on April 21, 2016 at 10:42am

Lisa, My sincere condolences on losing your Mom,

Mel

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Green on April 21, 2016 at 3:17pm

Mel, it sounds like you have a great resource in your church and your cabbie friend. They will never replace the relationship you had with your wife but they are good relationships to have. I find myself wanting to be with my family all the time now. (my immediate family that is-the one I was born into with my Dad, sister and two brothers). However, both my brothers live out of state. My sister and I live in the same town but we work opposite shifts so weekends are our only option. I feel guilty a lot for not getting over to see my dad more than on the weekends because he is all alone. He too has started going to church where my Mom and I went regularly for years. He went every now and then before but is trying to go regularly now. I hope he continues to do so. Mel, if I were your daughter, what could I do to help you more with getting through this time? I'm asking so that I might be able to help my dad more. There are lots of things he is unable to do that he used to do in his younger days and i want to help but he gets a little defensive when we offer to do things that he clearly can't do anymore but always used to take care of. 

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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on April 22, 2016 at 5:26am

Thanks Lisa, I'm at a disadvantage as my daughters live out of state as does my brother. My daughters are not responding to my inquiries any longer, don't know why, and my only family contact of any kind is my brother in Minnesota. We have a Facetime get together twice a week and that alone pretty much saves my bacon. So, I am left to myself beyond that. For me, I would simply like more contact, any contact at all. If I were able to drive , I would visit them. I live on social security exclusively so I am not in the best financial situation and am unable to do a lot of things I would like. I would just like the contact. Right now, I rely on phone calls and the random visits from friends with trips to lunch, a movie, etc. but those are infrequent and I am usually left to my own devices. For years, I was out of contact with my daughters and I was thinking maybe some bad karma was paying a visit to me for all those years I didn't contact them, my fault! I can relate to your Dad not wanting any help with things he used to take care of. There are a ton of things that need attention here at the house that I can't attend to, yet I am reluctant to ask for help as it appears to be some kind of negative reflection on me? Of course, I don't know about your Dad, but I am in such a negative place right now that I don't know what I want. It sounds like you're doing all you can for your Dad, right now, especially if you're calling daily and visiting on the weekends., That's a lot more than I can hope to get from my daughters. Just that contact makes a world of difference.   Mel

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Green on April 22, 2016 at 12:52pm

Mel, I am so grateful to hear from you. I hope we can continue to chat here. It helps me to understand things from Dad's prospective a little more. I do hope your daughters will start the communication back with you. Keep calling them, send a note or letter in the mail or a greeting card. Try Facetime or anything you can. Just don't give up. They are hurting too I'm sure. I know I am. My situation is a little different that yours of course but for me, staying in touch with my Dad is the only connection I still have to my Mom. I want to help him as much as I can but he helps me too just by talking to him. I am impressed that you know how to use social media sites like this one and Facetime. Please don't be offended by that but my dad doesn't have a clue how to do this kind of communication. He does have a cell phone but all he uses it for is phone calls. I wish he could use the text feature so I could send him pictures and things like that but he has no interest in it. So, good for you for reaching out to others through things like this. I think that is wonderful. I hope you have a good weekend and get to go to church Sunday.  

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