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Permalink Reply by Jean on December 19, 2013 at 1:47am

I buy henna at the local Indian store. My hair is auburn and it has no chemicals. 4 bucks. You make a paste and leave it in until it dries. Me and mom talked about trying it out on her hair. Without her I feel incomplete. I hope seeing a shrink will help.

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Permalink Reply by Judie Browne on December 19, 2013 at 1:25pm

I've used henna before it really a good natural way to condition your hair. Check with some the hospice organizations they sponsor grief support groups. You know my father died a few months after my mother. He was in a hospice and I went there and stayed with him until his death. They offered me grief services but it was in another state from where I live. My parents were divorced. My mother passed in February and my father passed away in July. Again, I had to plan another funeral by myself. My fathers death affected me but nothing like my mothers.  I loved my father and felt obligated to be there for him but he was not my mom who had always been there for me. I miss my mom.

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Permalink Reply by Jean on December 21, 2013 at 10:56pm

You know I am feeling calm now. My sister and her daughter are in a cycle it will never change only she needs to figure that out for herself. I will do what I can from a distance and made peace with that choice this week after the blow out. My mom put me in charge for a reason. I will wait for the fallout over there before I start probate. What's sort of funny is my husband to back off and myob. So this evening his sister started her thing up again with her younger son and his new wife . He will be having a talk with her tomorrow. Same ol same with our sisters nothing ever changes. I just need to get better at not letting it bother me so much. I'm sorry that you had to plan the funerals alone. It was just my husband and me and that was just right. The three of us were a tight unit.

I put the little fake tree up because mother told me to no matter what and you know it was hard but it makes me happy now.

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Permalink Reply by Judie Browne on December 23, 2013 at 9:56pm

YAaaaa.. I am glad you did that. My daughter made me wrap her presents. She pretended she didn't wrap well. It was good to have some mother daughter time and giggle about things. Tomorrow I am invited to her in-laws my daughter asked me to go I agreed this year. My granddaughter came and added her 10 cents. Kids mind your business. There is more to be said but I won't entertain you with how nosy she is. lol  I hope you can have a wonderful Christmas in spite of your great lost. You know your sister could be grieving as well. Maybe you should ask her about how she is taking your mothers death and just listen to her. Sometimes healing comes when can help someone else. I was looking at the Medium last night and was thinking maybe the spirits are around. Your mother knew that the tree would bring you some comfort. I am going to start walking again. Walking is so good for you body, mind, and spirit. I so enjoy communicating with you.   

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Permalink Reply by Jean on December 24, 2013 at 1:52am

I enjoy chatting with you too. My sister and I have never gotten along very well so this is nothing new to me. She has 2 daughters. One is disabled and the other is a psycopath.  The second one mentioned is a big problem and she just moved back in. There has been many issues in the past with that one that I do not want to even go into. I expect it will end the way it usually does as I am a pessimist. I will wish them all the best and hope no problems pop up that the police cannot handle. Sad but true. The other daughter is innocent and I feel the need to protect her but for now I will let my brother keep an eye on the situation. Fighting with my sister this year has been very draining. He one daughter was in the hospital for a month recently. My sister yelled at me there and one the phone for little things. It is best for all of us to keep our distance and see what happens next. It won't take long. So for tomorrow my husband will work 4 or 5 hours and I will make us a nice dinner. He is going to visit his family for awhile Christmas day. Their has been major drama over there with his sister this last week too. In a way it is funny because this is nothing new. Just and endless cycle that I would like to put some distance from. I will be visiting with our favorite neighbor and his 95 year old mother. She invited me over. I shall bake some pumpkin bread to take over to them. I enjoy their company. You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. lol

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Permalink Reply by Judie Browne on December 25, 2013 at 8:59pm

You are right about choosing your family. We had a real nice time with the in-laws, honestly real nice. Today my daughter cooked. I helped a little. Mostly I was lazy. The kids gave me some nice scarfs and I also got a new phone that I can't use until they teach me to use it. lol I got through today a lot better than I thought I would. I would like to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas. 

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Permalink Reply by Jean on December 27, 2013 at 4:03pm

I'm glad you had a nice day. My brother stepped in and talked sense into my sister. For now all is quiet over there. I assumed she had moved them in. She and I are keeping some distance right now. I made a nice dinner for my husband and I. Feeling calmer about things right now. Still very sad. My mother was my world.

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Permalink Reply by Judie Browne on December 28, 2013 at 3:58am

I talk about my mom a lot to people. Sometimes I think they get tired of me so I started cutting it short when I think I've worn them down with things about my Mom. Our family is small just my brother, my son, my daughter, one bio granddaughter, 2 step grand children that I love dearly and myself. My mother was the anchor. My daughter and I are really close but my son and my brother are distant. I wish we could become closer but I don't know how. If my Mom were here she would say get us some tickets and we would go visit and all would be well. She wouldn't mention the problem but all would know it's time-out and we would enjoy the trip.  She was a true Matriarch. I was with her the day they told her she had cancer she was so selfless that she cried for me more than herself. I worked tireless to try to keep her with me a while longer. In all my life I never wanted to leave her and there were times that were difficult but she could forgive in a moment and all is well. I saw her forgive people that I still don't care to be around to this day. In February she will be gone three years. I am better, I don't cry everyday and I can say sharing with you is helping. It s hard to talk to my daughter because she was so close to her grandmother. I hate to talk with her because we both have to end it in tears. Okay, talk to you later.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 28, 2013 at 4:21pm

i speak abot my dad a;; t 2 judie i even speak 2 his pic i no iv bean told 2 get over wish i cant foget abot evry at has died wish i cant 

mu mum is deprest its getng 2 me as well all death we hav had of famly frinds nboz we r

on hear i speak abot my dad i dont get tld off i speak abot oth th hav died on hear 2 

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Permalink Reply by Jean on December 28, 2013 at 6:13pm

What is the deal with your spelling? I can understand you are sad but it is hard to understand what you are saying. Where are you?

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Permalink Reply by helen on January 5, 2014 at 9:11pm

Jean, I go shopping and foods I used to enjoy that my Mother loved I can't even buy. I was not able to see her before she was buried. I couldn't go to her funeral and she is buried in Iran, where under the current regime, I can't see how I could go back without dying. 

My toddler acts like I did at his age and I see us interacting just like my Mom did with me, but me in her place and even this makes me cry. No one can ever replace your Mom. No one. I know that I have this hole inside me and instead of closing it keeps getting larger because they killed her and my own country is not even letting my husband come and help me and my son so we can tell the world what happened because of these brutal dictators in Iran. Believe me, its normal to associate things and cry about the woman that gave you life.

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Permalink Reply by Jean on January 6, 2014 at 4:17pm

That is absolutely horrible. I wish everyone would stop fighting. It is so senseless. My condolences to you during this very difficult time. I've come to the conclusion that I will never stop missing my mother but I hope to get my bearings without my rock well enough to fulfill her last wishes. I was able to purchase a marble stone for her and my father who passed 40 years ago after WW2. They have a nice vase in the center that I can place flowers in. Silk are the best. Maybe you could find a place either at a cemetery or your garden to create a memorial for her? I will be going Wednesday to change out the Christmas flowers with some roses. I plan on planting 3 or 5 daffodil bulbs at the center. They are early spring bulbs and can be mowed over once they have bloomed. I bought a bag of 45 so I plan on putting some at my grandparents gravesites too. My mother taught me everything I know about gardening it was a favorite thing we enjoyed together so I do feel at peace at a garden shop we used to go to get plants. The problem that I am having is not reading books anymore. She was a librarian and loved books. I hope to overcome this and perhaps create a library in her room her at our house when I start clearing out her house. I get stressed just having to move her things. My husband put her powders away this weekend and it made me so sad I cried after he went to bed.

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